Off Track

I really wanted to write over my long weekend last week. Didn’t happen. Why? Because last weekend wasn’t about creating, it was about breaking things down.

That did include some cleaning and organizing that needed to happen. But it also included breaking down my apparent frustration in where my weight is.

I had to go see the doctor last week. It’s nice that I go to the same franchise clinic that did my surgery three years ago. They have all of my records, no matter which of the three clinics I go to. I like that. I also like that I can see most results and statistics online.

But the downside to that is that they track my weight pretty closely because of the surgery. And apparently, somewhere between last week and last year, I gained four pounds. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? Not a big deal.

But to me, it was devastating. I still had 12 pounds to lose, and here, I had actually gained 4 pounds?!? What the hell was that!

So I beat the crap out of myself for a couple days and then I focused my head again and got busy. I’m counting every calorie and I’m back on the exercise bike. I got off track. I quit paying attention. It’s no wonder I wasn’t losing and had actually gained. I wouldn’t have been so frustrated at the gain, I decided, had I actually hit the goal I set for myself last year. But since I hadn’t, I really did some serious bitching at my reflection.

So now, I have sixteen to lose.

I didn’t get on the scale. I know I should have, first thing before I started. But my scale has about an inch of dust on it, because I gave up on it. The closer I got to goal, the less it moved and I finally just put it away. I didn’t want my mood every day to depend on a variable number. I’ll get the courage up to get it back out before the week is out.

While I don’t like being down on myself, I do like that this lit a fire under my ass and I feel like I have a little bit of focus now. More than a little bit, actually. I hope I can apply it to other things in my life that need doing – like my writing – and my home.

I’m hoping I can stay on track this time, and get these stupid sixteen pounds off and maybe in the process, make exercise a habit again. I quit riding my bike before because I pounded at it so hard that I hurt my knee doing it. I started slow this time. Maybe that’ll help.

Send good vibes if ya got ‘em. I’m sure I could them.