Not a Generic Kinda Girl

I am anything but generic.

There are days when I long to be more normal. No, really. If I were normal I'd likely be married (to someone who suited me better than the two I DID marry) and I'd not have to be dealing with all of this "I'm single and dating" crap.

Why do I call it crap? Because frankly, this is all new to me. I mean, I did date. A little. But basically for most of my life I've been a serial monogamist who kind of went from one relationship to the next with varying periods of 'alone time' between them. Anything from 2 weeks to ....well now, 3.5 years.

I often say that I'm thankful for this long period of alone time, and part of me is. I have learned a LOT about myself and the people around me. But it's not all wine and roses there. I've had to look at some cold hard truths about the relationships I've had in the past and I've had to swallow just exactly how devalued I let myself feel. And that's not a habit that's easy to break, even as a person's self-confidence and self-worth raises. I think I'm there though.

I sent home a thought a couple of weeks ago (I have this habit of thinking of something I want to write at work, then just emailing it to myself at home) and I scribbled it into my little notebook, but I've yet to address it because it's something that's actually an issue for me right now. So instead of running from it, maybe what I really ought to do is address it and be done with it.

The thought, very bluntly is I want to fuck someone who wants to fuck ME, not someone who just wants to get laid. I have this huge amount of sexual energy. It comes out in words and actions and thoughts. And frankly, I should be sharing that with someone who wants that from ME - not someone who just generically wants to feel something. This started for me awhile back when I wrote about the difference between casual and nonchalant. There is a big difference for me between a casual relationship, and a relationship in which I do not feel like I’m special – in which I feel like I could be almost anyone and serve the same purpose. Because I am NOT just anyone. I am NOT generic. And I value myself enough to not only know the difference, but embrace it. And I expect anyone who finds his way in between my sheets to embrace it as well. The line between casual and nonchalant has gotten thicker for me recently. And I’m just not in the mindset to compromise on that right now.

I’m not saying casual isn’t okay. Casual is fine. Casual suits me in many ways. But there is a way to have a casual relationship in which both people in the relationship feel valued and special. And if both people aren’t feeling that, then it’s not casual. It’s something else entirely. And feeling depersonalized is certainly not a kink I enjoy exploring on a regular basis.

That’s a good thing to know about myself, and I’m glad that I’ve gotten to the point that I could say it, and mean it. It’s been a little tough for me to do so, because some of these points are very personal right now, and a little bit difficult to address.

But occasionally I need to deal with the difficult stuff. Sex itself is so easy for me to write about. But the emotional and mental stuff behind it is sometimes more difficult. This is one of those times.

Now that it’s done, and behind me, perhaps I can get back to what I do better. *grin