Define Casual

I love getting questions from people who read here. First of all, it lets me know that someone’s actually reading this blog (lol), and second of all it lets me know that I’m provoking thought. Both of these things make me happy.

Over the last several months, I’ve mentioned ‘casual’ relationships a lot. One of my readers wants to know what I mean by a ‘casual sexual relationship’. I scanned back through some posts, and it appears she’s right; I never really defined that.

I can’t define it for everyone, either. Anyone who has or wants or talks about casual sexual relationships probably has different ideas of what that should be. What I mean by it may not be what someone else means. I guess maybe that’s why it’s even more important to have a clear definition of what casual is – and is not.

You’ll notice that most of these points address an issue of respect or friendship in one way or another. To me, those are two of the most important points of any casual relationship definition.

- Casual does not mean ‘one night’, ‘one weekend’ or ‘one fuck’. The second word in ‘casual relationship’ is ‘relationship’ and be that ‘dating’ or ‘friendship’, it denotes that this is not a one time thing. It means that before the sex and after the sex, the rest of the relationship will continue.

- Casual does not mean there is a lack of respect for the other person’s time, attention, energy or personal space. Again, because there is another piece of the relationship beyond fucking, that respect should naturally be there. While a casual relationship in and of itself means that there is no commitment, if a commitment of time is made – if plans are made – I expect them to be respected no less than you would of a very good friend, or someone you were dating. Casual does not mean you can blow the other person off ‘just because’.

- Casual does not mean ‘exclusive’ nor does it mean that either party should not be looking for their ultimate goal in relationship land. However, timing is key here. I don’t want someone I’m having a casual relationship flirting with someone else in front of me. When someone is ‘with’ me, spending time with me, I expect them to be with me. Spend all your other time looking for your Ms. Right. But if you have my attention, I expect to have yours.

- Casual does not mean a lack of regard for the other person’s feelings. It doesn’t mean that just because you are not working toward a long term commitment, that the other person’s feelings should not matter. This also means that you are obligated to share any changing feelings about the relationship with the other person so that those feelings, or possibilities can be explored, and the relationship can be altered to accommodate – either by ending the sexual part of it, or making the relationship less casual overall.

Having said all of that, a casual relationship should be fun. It should be an opportunity to play with things you’ve never been comfortable playing with in a serious relationship. It should be a chance to let go and be yourself. And above all, it should be giving you back what you put into it. (And that’s true of any sort of relationship out there – from your job to your family.) That doesn’t mean you should treat the other person casually. It’s the relationship that’s casual, not your friend. If you feel that you’re contributing more than you’re getting back for extended periods of time, you’re slowly going to feel less like being there, and it’s taking a chance on ruining the friendship that happens outside of sex.

Just for the record, this wasn’t as easy to define as I thought it was going to be. At basis of it all is the friendship. And if I don’t have that, the rest of it isn’t going to fall into place for me.

I want to make clear, too, that just because I talk about casual relationships a lot doesn’t mean that I’m opposed to something more. If I were to meet someone that I felt that deeper connection with, I’d certainly be more than open to exploring it.

Does that help clarify? :)