Do ....who?

I was doing some reading on one of my bdsm message boards the other night. I’ll admit I’ve kind of abandoned them lately as I’ve been spending much more time working on some fantasy (as in sci-fi fantasy) story ideas and just letting myself relax and be in the moment than I have reading forums. Anyway, as I read through a series of posts about dominant expectations I got to thinking…

Do-er dominant, or do-me dominant?

I’ve had both. M was much more of a do-er. Whether it was pain, sex or roleplay, M wanted to direct what was happening. M liked to ‘play’. C, on the other hand, was a do-me dominant. “Do this for me, do that for me.” Unless it was an occasional spanking, he really wasn’t that interested in ‘playing’ at all. While I am not currently in the market for a dominant per se, I do still enjoy elements of dominant/submissive play in my sex life sometimes, so it’s still a pertinent topic.

For me, a do-er dominant is one that plays *with his submissive. One that uses toys, including and most importantly his mind, to draw emotions and reactions from her to his satisfaction. A do-me dominant, conversely is one who wants to be serviced. I think more than anything, it’s a matter of who has the focus, and who is the center of attention in most cases in the relationship.

As to which I prefer, it’d be easy to say a combination of the two, but that’s not necessarily always true. I know that there definitely are submissives for whom service is their biggest kink, I’m not that. Do I enjoy doing it sometimes? Yes. Do I want to make a career out of it? Does it make me wet in anticipation? No.

That’s not to say that I expect to be a passive player with a do-er dominant. I’m not very good at being passive to be honest. But as I’ve said many times before being told what to do at the right time in the right place can be a very big turn on. And as I seem to have lost most of my self-consciousness issues with being ‘the center of attention’, being ‘toyed’ with and ‘played’ with has a bit more appeal to me than it used to.

I used to have a very good submissive friend to whom service was key in her relationship. Her master demanded it, and it made her happy and fulfilled to provide it. Even their play was not about play; it was about her doing what he wanted, when he wanted, and she provided him a canvas on which to play. They were a perfect match, and very happy together. Definitely not the norm, but just right for each other.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either the do-er dominant or the do-me dominant. I think there are submissives out there to match nearly every percentage of either side that exists. The key is to be careful what you wish for, and to be careful how you present your expectations to a potential partner.