Anti-Instant

Sometimes I wonder if my life wouldn’t be easier if I were like a majority of the population – an instant gratification girl.

It occurred to me today as I was cleaning house, and doing some thinking about certain subjects that I’m not the kind of person to go masturbate *every time I get an itch. Sometimes, like today, I like to wait. I like to live with that itch for awhile, make it grow, make it drag on. As I said recently, I draw a lot of my creative energy from my sexual energy, and by pointedly *not running for my vibrator every time I get a twinge, I can develop and draw that out even more.

I haven’t written any erotica in awhile and I miss it. The creative process that goes into writing a good piece of erotic fiction is something that really does fulfill me. While I also want to write non-erotic fiction, erotica is my first love simply because it’s where I had my first major successes. I have a couple of fantasy stories in my head but for some reason I have more difficulty sitting down to write those out.

If I were the kind of person who sought out instant gratification, I’d be able to sit down and write whenever the muses struck me, but I’m not that way. Just like sexual energy, I like to let the creative energy build until I can barely stand it. That way, I’m assured that I’ll sit down and write a good piece, start to finish, rather than leaving these half-written pieces all over my desktop (of which I have about four right now). I save them on my desktop because I like seeing them there to remind me that I have work to do.

If I were an instant gratification kind of person, I’d probably be looking a little harder for a local ‘friend’. But I’m not. I’m not avoiding it, but I’m not out there sending winks on personal sites and writing emails to anyone who strikes my fancy. Maybe I should be, but I’m not. I typically wait for someone to write to me first. Old fashioned? Maybe. But likely more because I know something about myself.

I am not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s okay.

In the last three years, I’ve had a couple of profiles up on some personal sites. Not hard core ones, but not really half-hearted ones either. They’re just there. They’re just me. Out of every ten responses I get, I might respond to one person. Out of the ten or so I’ve seriously responded to, I’ve met five gentlemen. And out of those five gentlemen, most of them haven’t bothered to ask for a second meeting.

And that’s okay.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I don’t know how to date. Maybe I don’t give off the right kind of vibes when I meet these guys or maybe I’m not at all what they were expecting. But I am who I am, and I’m not going to put on airs to make a false first impression.

And that’s okay.

This is not to say that I don’t dress up and do my hair and put on make-up. I do. But I try to go into them relaxed, and I always tell myself that whether he calls me again or not, I’m all right either way. I know that these are things that are normal for most people. And I feel like I’m about 20 years behind where I should be, because of the kinds of relationships I’ve had in my life.

And that’s okay. Because it’s never too late to do things the right way.

And the right way for me is to be patient. Just as I am with my writing. Just as I am with my sexual energy. And just as I am with this whole dating thing.

Patience is the antithesis of instant gratification, and it has a lot less opportunity for failure. So I’m okay with that. *grin

Now, having said that, I think maybe I’ve waited long enough *grin