Taking

I don’t come out as a submissive to everyone. There are many friends I’ve made and kept in the last 15 years who have no idea that I’m involved in any way in the lifestyle, and neither does anyone in my family.

So, when I do tell someone I’m submissive, it’s kind of a thing for me. I trust them with a part of myself that I do not easily share, and I trust them to not use and abuse the information for their own gain, in any way, unless it benefits us both in some way.

This especially becomes important with vanilla – or mostly vanilla – men. I have a lot of vanilla friends; people who’ve either never heard of the lifestyle, or are only mildly interested in it, or who skirt the edges of it ‘just a bit’. I typically will throw a mild joke about ‘whips and chains’ or ‘rough sex’ into a conversation when I begin to get to know them. How they react to that is basically the guide for how much of myself I share with them.

I’ve had mixed results with this. I had one gentleman that I was getting to be close with on an mmorpg that I slipped that tidbit of a joke to, and he reacted as if he were horrified that I’d even think it. The subject got dropped quickly and I never revisited it, even in jest. I remained close friends with him, but it changed the way we interacted I think. Other times, it’s gone very well, and I’ve found people with either a small interest, or a larger one, and I’ve nurtured it along if it was comfortable to do so.

It’s those --- the latter ones – which I have to be careful with, for my own sake. I have to have my own lines pretty firmly drawn in the sand, and I have to be careful about how much of myself I reveal, or how much of myself I let come through.

It’s not a ‘them’ thing, though. It’s a ‘me’ thing. And I try to be conscious of how much of my submissive side gets let out.

It’s not that I think that lifestyle dominants are any better equipped to handle it than someone who’s just exploring a dominant aspect of themselves. Some of them aren’t. Some of them are less serious about a d/s relationship than someone who just found the term.

But I digress…

I read a post on a message board awhile back that discussed the ability (or inability) of some dominants to take everything without taking advantage. That’s kind of what this is for me. If I give enough of myself to someone that they believe it’s all right to take more – that’s fine (and in most cases desirable), providing that it doesn’t start to feel like I’m being taken for granted, or taken advantage of. That goes for d/s ‘lifestylers’ as well as the vanilla people I meet. When it starts to feel as if I’m giving, on a regular basis, more than I am reaping (mentally, emotionally, physically) from any sort of relationship, it’s time for me to re-evaluate how much of myself I’m giving, and pull back if necessary.

I think that is a fine line – between taking what’s offered to you, and taking advantage of someone, and I respect men (dominants in particular) who can do that with grace and style and have their own very well defined vision of that line. It’s not something everyone can do. And when it’s not done properly, the other party can be left feeling resentful as well as depleted emotionally – and that’s not fun, not hot, not sexy and certainly not healthy.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to recognize that more easily. I’ve also learned to be honest about it with the other person – in a nice, healthy, gentle way (rather than getting angry). I’m happy about that, and that my confidence allows me to say to someone – hey, listen – this, in it’s current state is not working for me.

I’ve said many times – here and in my other writings – that if sex – or in this case, BDSM, aren’t fun, you aren’t doing something right. While I understand that there is a time for serious behavior, there is also a time for fun, and if you don’t take time for the fun, you’re missing out on the better part of a real human relationship, in whatever way you label it.

So is it possible to be careful and mindful of how much of yourself you give away (or take from another) as the case may be, and still have fun?

Yes, and I’m living proof of that.