Who am I today?

(No, that's not me, but I love the picture)

I looked in the mirror at work today, and saw a college co-ed again. Hair back in a head band, study-girl glasses, turtleneck ...

It's weird seeing myself that way. But kinda neat, too.

I can be anyone I wanna be, really.

Question is, who do I really wanna be?

There isn't really an answer to that. It's mostly rhetorical. I want to be myself. And I want to be loved and appreciated for that.

I spent last Friday/Saturday/Part of Sunday with a group of people that I used to play EverQuest with. These people are friends. Good friends. Friends that make you feel loved, appreciated and special. I see parts of this group 3-4 times a year. And I always come home feeling renewed. When I am around them, I am my affectionate and consummate smart ass self.

I came home feeling good this time, too. But it didn't last very long, because some other issues arose in other parts of my life that made me stop and really think about what is driving me forward.

I saw my folks yesterday for Easter, and the first thing my mom said to me was that I didn't look happy. My parents have gotten used to seeing me happy for the last few years. And apparently yesterday, they didn't see that.

To be honest, I wasn't happy. I put a smile on my face for them because they deserve to have that, but my mind has been whirling for a week or so about things I haven't thought about in either years - or in a few cases, ever.

C and I have been separated for 3.5 years. This is the longest I've been without a special someone in my life, ever. I realize that that's my choice. I haven't been looking that hard and I haven't really put myself out there to be seen or found. My EQ friends hassle me about that. One goes so far as to say that it's not healthy for me to purposefully lock myself away. And maybe he's right. I've considered this time alone to be growing time (and shrinking time physically). I wanted to spend this time alone so that I could be sure that next time, I get what I want from a relationship - not just what's offered to me. I think that is healthy.

But I've also been dragging my feet, and I'll freely admit that. I'm not sure if it's fear, or pride, or ego, or what that's making me do that. Maybe all of them. Maybe none of them. Maybe my heart is just - tired.

And to be honest, I'm tired of analyzing it.

Maybe it's time to stop analyzing it, and just open myself to the possibilities.