Style

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

I don't know about grateful. But I do know that he's right.

I'd much rather get naked, or at least down to some cute little piece of lingerie with a man that I would with a woman.

I'm definitely not 'fully there' with body confidence yet. But I do know that I look better than I did three years ago. This weekend, I'm going to see my cousin whom I haven't seen in a long time. The last picture of myself before my surgery that I have is one that was taken with him. This weekend, I'm getting a new picture to set besides it. Before and almost-after. Then, and now.

I went to see a plastic surgeon last year, to see what can be done about the issues that have arisen with my body since I lost all of this weight. Things are not where they're supposed to be. Things do not look like they're supposed to look. And while I don't believe for a minute that I'm a freak of nature or anything, I do know that I can definitely look better than I do right now.

Sure. Soon as I come up with the 25 grand it'll cost to repair all this damage I did to myself for so many years.

In the meantime, there is muscle definition I could build and strength I can gain. I do exercise occasionally but not nearly as much as I should. It's not even that I lack motivation for it - I don't. It's that I seem to lack energy by the time I get home from work every night. I need to find it, though. I know I can do better.

But regardless of the issues I have with all that, again, I know that I look better naked, I have more energy once I am naked and I feel much more comfortable with my surroundings and anyone I happen to be naked with.

Male, that is.

I still don't think I have very good perception as far as what I really look like now as opposed to what I think I look like. But it's getting better.

But I continue to look at other women -- how they dress, how they carry themselves, and compare them to me. We all do that, either consciously or subconsciously (women that is). I catch myself saying "I'd never wear that outfit, it makes her look fat." or "that sweater looks makes her chest look huge". I don't think these are bad things, and I don't think women as a whole are bad for thinking them or occasionally saying them to someone that you're comfortable saying it to.

My style for most of my life has been "Whatever makes me not look fat." If it was red, it was a bonus. If it was black and white, another bonus. And if it was slightly bohemian - score! Had I been the size I am now for most of my life, I'd have probably been one of those girls who dresses like Stevie Nicks. All flowy skirts and high heeled boots. I love that stuff. But now I'm kind of a jeans and sweater girl. Jeans can hide a multitude of things, providing you don't wear them like a sausage skin. And sweaters -- well,sweaters are every girl's friend. For the most part, that part of my style hasn't changed.

But what I wear under stuff certainly has.

I refuse to wear cheap bras anymore. While I'd still wearing a 36DD, (I'd rather be a 36D, but hey, I'll take what I can get), I can get stylish and pretty bras in my size from Victoria's Secret. I won't buy a bra from anywhere else right now, because I like theirs, and they fit me perfectly.

Panties, however, are a whole other story.

I never gave much thought to them before the last three years. They were a necessary evil (except when I was with M. Then, they were totally off limits), and they just did their job. Now though, I'm much pickier about what I wear under my jeans. I'll bet I have 40 pairs in my drawer right now. Thongs, bikinis, boyshorts, tangas. Anything I see that looks like something I'd like, I buy it. I guess I've gotten a little addicted in that regard. What I put on in the morning depends wholly on my mood -- or -- the mood I want to set for the day. Whether I wear any to bed or not depends totally on my feeling as of the moment I get undressed. They've become more than a necessary evil; they are a wardrobe mood-setter.

Fun, huh? :)

I get catalogs from both Frederick's and VS on a weekly basis. I almost have to make myself throw them away anymore *grin*.

I guess I could have a worse addiction.

So, should all of that make some male that I get naked with feel grateful? Not unless it's because he's found himself someone who enjoys looking as good as she can with what she's got.

Because when I look good, I feel good.
And when I feel good, I'm unstoppable *grin*.