What's on Your Mind?

One of the things that people in the bdsm community often pride themselves on is the added “trust” that’s inherent in their personal relationships as they relate to each other.

Why then, do you suppose, are discussions about how submissives always seem to have difficulty talking about things that are on their minds to their dominants?

I see about one of these discussions a week. And while I’ll admit that I have occasionally been guilty of this myself – when the trust, or more specifically the intimacy – seems to be in a downward flux in a relationship, I also have trouble swallowing the idea that submissives don’t or won’t do it because they’re being respectful.

What’s more respectful than tempered honesty? I don’t mean honesty to the point of being hurtful, but more honesty in the interest of a healthy adult relationship. If I want or need something I’m not getting from a relationship, chances are I’m going to find a way to say it somehow. I don’t see a point in suffering with it in silence for an extended period of time (say a year or more – like I used to). As with anything, relationships and relationship energy ebb and flow. And yes, patience is a virtue. But if you’ve waited a long time and you haven’t seen a change for the better, it’s probably time to speak up and let your partner know what’s on your mind.

When my ex joined the Navy, any and all bdsm in our relationship came to a screeching halt. Whether this was because of the Navy directly, or his internal energy levels, I still don’t know. But I waited a very long time – well over a year – to bring this up to him. He made a few half-hearted attempts at it, and I recognized the fact he was putting forth an effort, and let it be. As it turns out, that was all she wrote for bdsm for us, and it doesn’t really matter why – it just was. I had to make a choice at that point if the marriage or the bdsm was more important to me, and because of my relationship with him, I chose the marriage. But that was *my decision, and it was made after discussing the issue with him a few times in a few years. I didn’t just sit and wait for it to magically happen and I didn’t suffer silently for an extended period of time. (Some might argue a year is extended, but the fact is, he was gone for more than 8 months of that year on the submarine).

When the time comes and I have another consistent dominant-type person in my life, a high priority for me will be making sure that he’s fully aware of what’s on my mind. It’s not disrespectful to do so; it’s necessary to intimacy and trust. And anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.