Words
When Safewords aren’t Safe, and When Words Are Not Optional Equipment

I don’t have a safeword with C. Firstly, I’ve never needed one. And secondly, he’s got a good handle on when I’m *really* in trouble as opposed to when I’m resisting something. We talked about this, when we first got back together, and decided that neither of us felt like we needed “a word”.

I had a safeword with M for quite awhile. I made a big to-do about giving up my safeword with him at one point, and I’m still not really sure why I did it. I don’t feel that – even in the end – I had enough trust in him to do that.

Having said that, I think that safewords can be useful in many situations, such as casual play, play with someone other than your regular partner, or when you are in a new relationship. If either person is uncomfortable with the situation, a safeword is a great tool. I have used them on these occasions, when I’ve topped or bottomed to someone else. I can’t expect to be able to read someone I’ve only topped a few times the way I could read someone I’d known and played with for years, could I? It doesn’t work that way.

I could ramble on and on here about how communication and understanding - between two people who are playing on a level that would require a submissive to *use* a safeword if she had one – should be such that she wouldn’t need an actual word, but I’m not going to. You’ve heard it before, I’m sure. Suffice it to say that there’s a big difference in saying “I have a charlie horse in my right leg” and screaming “red!” at the top of my lungs. Firstly, if it hurts bad enough, “red” is not the first word that’ll come into my head. And secondly, “red” doesn’t really tell the dominant anything except “stop”. If you *had* a charlie horse, and you shouted “red!”, he’d stop, but you’re *still* going to have to tell him about the cramp so he can unbind you or help you move into a position where you can shake it off.

I could also ramble on and on about what I feel is an abuse of a safeword system – wherein a submissive uses a safeword to halt play simply because she doesn’t feel like playing anymore, as opposed to something being actually wrong. But I won’t yammer about that, either.

No, there’s another issue here, buried in the “Safeword” matter. And the clearest way I can spell it out for you is this:

My Dominant Can’t Read My Mind And neither can yours.

This doesn’t just go for scening, either, although when I started writing this, that’s where I was headed. The words you use to describe a problem in a scene are very important. If you don’t use a safeword – and even if you do – the more information you can give the dominant, the better off the situation will end up.

This goes for every thing, every day. If he asks you a question, don’t be coy – answer the question. (I’ve sucked at this for as long as I can remember. I have a tendency to hem and haw around an answer, if I’m not really sure of how to say what I want to say) If you’re having trouble completing a task, tell him – and then tell him *why*. If you want to try something, spit it out. If you need something more than he’s giving you, find a respectful way to spell it out for him. If you’re scening and you get a cramp, say that. Don’t say “stop”. He might take that as encouragement *g*. Tell him what. Tell him why. And tell him when. If your relationship doesn’t have a forum for that, ask courteously for one.

There are two dilemmas with this, really. First, submissives tend to see their dominants as omnipotent beings. We tend to forget that they’re human too. He’s not going to know that you want to do more bondage just by looking at you. He’s not going to know that the single-tail scene you watched at a play party last month made you insanely jealous and you’re dying to try it unless you *tell* him so. If you’re like me, and do a lot of web surfing, he’s not going to know that what you saw on that website about resistance play really turned you on, even if you send him a link for it. Show him the site. And then point out what exactly it was that got your fire cooking. You’ve read me make references to what C says about me – that I’m vague sometimes. Don’t be vague. Spell it out. C has said to me often that he is a “old country boy and needs to have things spelled out for him sometimes”, which is the equivalent of telling me that I’ve not given him nearly enough information to go on. (I’m thinking right now that he’s not saying that lately, with all this writing I’ve been doing – HA!)

The other predicament is equally troubling. There’s a delicate balance that should be achieved in dominance and submission. Submissives tend to put their needs and wants on the back burner, expecting that if what they want isn’t something the dominant wants – there’s no point in asking for it. And in some relationships, that would be the case. But really – what does it hurt to ask? To plant a seed? Maybe he *does* want it, but hasn’t approached it yet. Picture this: dominant and submissive, sitting on a couch. She wants to do an interrogation scene, but doesn’t speak about it because she feels it’s not her place to bring it up. While the whole time, he’s sitting next to her on the couch, fantasizing about that very thing, but not wanting to bring it up because he feels she may not be ready for it yet.

In both situations, the only way to clearly get there is to communicate . I know all the books say this – the vanilla relationship books as well as the d/s books – but for some reason, it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ll admit it – it’s hard to do sometimes. I am in no way good at it – yet. I still have major issues bringing things up that I’m afraid C will scowl at. I’m sure there are many submissives out there who will prove this theory wrong, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I believe that *many submissives feel intimidated about bringing up new ideas to their dominants*.
But – if your relationship allows for this – then you have to do it. Be honest.

And if you don’t *know* if your relationship allows for this, **ask**. I’m lucky in that. The more information I give C, the better my chances of getting something I ask for. I am always allowed to ask.

If you have the go-ahead, and you’re *still* having trouble, take a cue from me. Write it down. This is what I’ve been doing the last several weeks. Writing all of these entries and sending them off to C for his perusal. The first one is the hardest *g*. If you’re uncomfortable writing it this way, write a fiction story. Sit down one night and *tell* him face to face. Send an email.

But remember this: He won’t know if you don’t tell him. Your dominant can’t read your mind

I’ve come to feel that it’s my responsibility to keep him informed about what I’m feeling, how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about.

However, (You just *knew* there would be one of those here, didn’t you?) just because you *ask* him or *tell* him what you’d like, don’t expect to *get* it. By telling him, you’ve done your job. Now let him do his, and make the decision as to what he feels will benefit you *both* in the long run. By doing that – and by not making demands or whining and throwing hissy fits, you allow for an unclouded communication channel between yourself and the dominant. Anger and fussing clouds the channel, and will likely bring about the opposite of what you really want. Even if they *do* get you what you’re asking for, are you really going to be satisfied by what you did to get it?

As I said, I’m still not perfect at this. It’s still a struggle for me to find it within myself to ask for things from C. But it’s true that the more you do it, the easier it gets. Hopefully one day, it’ll be second nature to me.

Until then, though, I just keep writing…….