Vague?

Expressing Needs, by someone who hates being needy.

I can quote my husband many times: “Could you BE anymore vague?”

He says that to me a lot (though, I’ll wager a guess he’s not saying it now, with all the writing I’ve been doing lately). When I tell him I want or need something, I don’t make myself as clear as I could, giving him examples and such. I didn’t know why that was for a long time. I tried to be clear. I tried to give examples. I tried to define just what it is I was wanting and/or needing.

But the fact is that I wasn’t. And why? Because I hate needing anything. I hate feeling “needy” – and needing something and needy go hand in hand in my head.

M drilled the word “need” out of me. For four years, he didn’t want to hear that word. Not from his lips, not from mine. It was taboo. And it’s stayed that way for me, because I haven’t found the little button in my head to push to say that it’s okay to need something again.

Truth is, though, that I’m a human being. And all human beings have needs. Some things that we think we need are really wants in disguise, but there are things that we need in our lives – that make us feel like…well, us.

I think, too, that there’s a difference between “survival” needs, and “well-being” needs. Survival needs are things like food and water. Well-being needs are things like love, companionship, and a good sound thrashing now and then (whoops – did I say that out loud?). Both of these things are important to us – one physically, one emotionally.

Are our emotional needs less important than our physical ones? Or, is it just easier for us to spell out own physical needs, because those are something we have “no control” over. “I have to have fluids to drink. Human bodies are built that way.” Whereas, if we say “I have to have love in my life. Human beings are built that way” it’s seen as something of a weakness – an emotional hole that begs to be filled – a requirement or demand another person in our lives?

Regardless of all that trivia, the fact remains that I – Screamer_Girl – have trouble expressing my needs in a clear and direct manner to my dominant. I’ve begun the process of sorting out the wants, needs, desires and curiosities from each other. It’s a lengthy process, but I’m dissecting each thing as it comes down the pipe. Is this something I want to do? Need in my life? Am curious about? Is it something I’ve done before with C? With someone else? Is it something I’ve written about? Dreamed about? Fantasized about? What about it appeals or repels me? Is it something that makes me hot? Makes me feel more vulnerable? Makes me feel more submissive? Does it hit the “Top ten ways to make Screamer scream” list? Does it make me feel giddy? Guilty? Abnormal? Am I willing to put myself on the line to ask for it? Is it worth getting into a heavy discussion over? Is it worth the pain of being rejected for? Ridiculed for?(*note, C has never ridiculed me for anything I’ve asked for) To be clear with C, I need to be able to be clear with ME. That’s not as easy as it sounds.

(If you’re asking yourself why I’m writing this, it’s because I know I can’t possibly be the only submissive that feels like this.)

In all that I’ve written the last week or so, I feel like I’ve started to break through that. I’m not there yet, but I’m at least on my way. I’m going to write an essay for C that explains to him what it is that I *do* need. I started working on it, but it’s not nearly done. Writing in the blogger has certainly helped me along though. I find that if I pick a topic, and stay true to it through a dissertation, that I can pull my own desires from that, while still writing about other parts of it.

For someone who’s as verbose and long-winded as I am, you’d think I’d be better at this.