Stop and Think …sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse.

I have an interior checking system. Sort of like a spell-check or grammar check, but much worse. It’s a thought-checker.

Many times, before I speak or write something, I’ll say it continuously in my head, to make sure it sounds “right”. It checks to make sure that what I say isn’t too harsh, too judgmental, too needy-sounding, too whiny, or too bossy. If it is, it’s instantly re-written into a more “correct” version, or simply tossed in the “recycle bin”. Nothing comes out of my mouth that wasn’t run through this filter, *unless* I am being spanked, or I am drinking. Until recently.

It’s developed into several versions over the years. It started out by pushing out the phrase “I don’t know.” instead of an answer. Well, that is, until it got tired of hearing “And if you DID know, what kind of words would you use?” from C. Now, its taken form to where I just don’t say anything until I’m sure what I’m about to say sounds right in my head.

But what’s right? Is it better to be gut-wrenchingly honest? Or to spend some time thinking about what you’re actually going to say?

C hates this thought-checker. Frankly, I’m not too crazy about it anymore myself. I’ve made a conscious effort over the last few weeks to shut it down, so that I could write these passages freely. I catch myself once in awhile still doing it, and as I’ve read back over a few of the entries, I can see it lurking there. There is only one thing, I believe, that keeps me from kicking it to the curb, once and for all.

Fear.

Fear of…what, exactly? Well, in this case (writing these entries), I can think of two things: Fear of overwhelming C with too many things all at once, and fear of admitting some of this stuff to myself. The checker has saved me from myself, or so it thinks. It’s prevented me from admitting to myself that I want certain things, so that I don’t ask for them. It figures it’s saving me some heartache. But in the end, all its doing is keeping a wall between C and I. Because until I’m able to admit to him the things that I really want, he’s going to continue on, thinking I’ve told him what I want. I read an essay recently from someone with a similar mechanism. While I don’t agree with her reasoning (She wants to be owned so that she doesn’t have the burden of owning herself – her words), her editor and my checker seem to come from a similar place.


I’m not sure exactly what is going to completely eradicate the checker. I like to think that I’ve overcome it to a great extent, because I’ve been able to write about so many of these things recently. And I guess I’m not sure if it’ll ever completely go away. In some cases, such as dealing with my parents – the non-BDSM world – work – the checker serves a purpose. It would certainly be better for me and easier on C if I could make it go away between us permanently. I’m working on that.