Fantasies…
May be better left as just that…but how do I know?

There are a couple of things I have fantasies about, but am not sure I’d feel comfortable with, were they brought to reality. Things that I’ve heard other people talk about, or things I’ve read about in books – these … activities sound hot and/or deeply interesting, but I’m not all that sure they’d work well in my reality.

I’m going to talk about all of them, but I’ll only take on one at a time, so I can devote a little better thought to them.

Fantasy #1: Golden Showers

The basics: Being peed on.
Why it sounds hot: Psychological. Not remotely physical. “Marking of territory”.
Why I don’t know if I’d like it: Might feel like humiliation. The physical aspects of it might be – weird.

For me, this is very animalistic (And that’s something – getting the basest level – that appeals to me). There really isn’t any better description for it than “marking of territory”, in my mind. I know that people use it as humiliation, and maybe I’d feel that way, if we were to do it, but I don’t get that “vibe” from it. While it’s a physical activity, the mental aspect of it would be the most prevalent --- in my mind . I can say that, never having actually done it. I’ve written about it, and I’ve fantasized about it, but without first hand knowledge, I really don’t know how I’d react to it. And probably never will, because C is diametrically opposed to it. I think the “gross-out” factor gets to him – and – who knows; maybe it would to me, too.

The other part of this is that it appears to be just so damn intimate . That, in and of itself, is a big appeal for me. As I’m working toward taking down walls in my life (as previously mentioned), the idea of being closer to C is a big plus for me.

M and I did try this, in the reverse. For some reason, he got a wild hair up his ass one day, and wanted me to pee on him. (*M and I “switched” a lot). We got into the shower and try as I might, I couldn’t do it. I think the expectation of it just shut me down. That or maybe I never really did get into the mindset of switching with him (probably more accurate), or maybe I didn’t feel intimate enough with him to share it with him (probably also accurate). Either way, it didn’t work out, and I didn’t find myself remotely disappointed, because that’s not the end of the stream I wanted to be on, anyway.

I’ve discussed this with other people – some who’ve done it, some who are opposed to it – and I’ve yet to come to any solid conclusions about how I’d actually react, were C to decide to include this in our life.

And until I do, it’s one of those things that probably better left for my fiction writing.

** As I was getting ready to post this, it occurred to me that I have had some experience with this. I’ve spoken before of being in an abusive relationship in my early 20’s.(I had had a dominant partner before that, though we didn’t call it d/s or sm. He was considerably older and into spanking and bondage mostly, and it was to him that I’d lost my virginity. R was for the most part, my first dominant, and who I was looking for a replacement for when I found the abuser. I wanted another dominant man. What I got was a twisted human being who enjoyed using me as a puppet, and seeing how far he could push me) Most of those memories, I’ve shuffled away and left in some deep forgotten place of my mind - which is why I didn’t think of this as I was writing. I don’t have any anger about it anymore (Geez, it was 17 years ago. I’m over it) , and I certainly don’t feel like I have any loose ends there, but having been through counseling for it, and having put the son-of-a-bitch in prison where he belonged, I just left it behind. L, the abuser, made a game of seeing how bad he could make me feel, and what he could make me do. It was like a contest with him, to see what his threats of violence would accomplish. One day, after sex, he had to pee, but was too lazy to get up. He told me to pick up a coffee cup and bring it to him. When I told him no, he threatened to hit me, so I brought him the cup. He made me hold it while he peed in it, then pushed it away and let the last of the pee fall on my hand. He laughed for a good twenty minutes about that, while I ran for the bathroom. Let me emphasize – again – that the SOB was an abusive piece of trailer-trash and that in no way, shape or form was what he did anything remotely related to BDSM. For him, he wanted to see my fear – my degradation – and my tears. He was continually testing to see how far he could push me. By the way – he found out one night, when he pushed me a little too far, and his ass ended up behind bars.

Reading over that, I guess it’s possible that one of the reasons I have an interest in trying this (maybe) is because I want to re-write that piece of my life into something intimate and positive. I haven’t really found myself wanting that with any other activity, but I guess it is possible.

And let me emphasize this, before y’all go telling me that I need help, and to get counseling. I had 2 years of counseling for this six-month relationship. Been there, done that, got a clean bill of mental-health.