Collars
Or…What’s this around my neck?
(posted also on Screamer's Rants Raves and -isms)

Just to be clear, before I start. I don’t have a “regulation” BDSM collar. I haven’t had one in either of my relationships with C. We never had a “collaring ceremony” either time. We don’t discuss collars, except for me to say to him occasionally that I’d love to have another leather one, just for occasional wear.

I do, however, wear an old Army dog tag of his around my neck. I’ve worn it since a few weeks after we got back together. He didn’t give it to me, I asked for it. It was hanging on a nail by the door of his apartment. It hasn’t come off (except for metal detectors at the airport) since then. I wear it as a reminder of him. When I start missing him, I’ll reach down and pull it out of my shirt, and “hug” it with my fist. It’s a sentimental thing.

When we were together before, he bought me a gorgeous necklace; a faery standing on a purple glass heart. It was to be considered my “collar”. I can still hear the sound of the box it came in (with the necklace inside), slamming down on the wooden kitchen table when we broke up. He didn’t ask for it back; I gave it to him because I thought – at the time – in my deluded AOL-taught D/s manner – that that was what I was supposed to do. I was angry with him – for what I perceived at the time was the shattering of my dreams, and for not loving me enough. After several weeks, he gave it back to me, and told me that it had been a gift. Before I left for California, we had a well-intended, but odd “un-collaring”, where I put the necklace on, and he took it off me (presumably, for the last time). I took it with me to California, and it hung on my rearview mirror for a long time, before I finally took it down when it started to bother M. After I took it down, I kept it in its original box in my dresser. I didn’t wear it again until after M and I had broken up, and I went to my first munch solo. I wore it then as a symbol of my independence. I still have it. I’ve worn it a few times since C and I got back together, but it no longer symbolizes a collar to me. It’s a beautiful piece of jewelry that the man I love gave to me when we were young, in love, and not quite ready for the ds relationship we knew we wanted to have.

With M., I had a real “ds trappings” collar. Beautiful piece, made by CJ in Denver (CL-70 on the page). I loved that collar, and everything I thought it symbolized. It was my first “real” one. I helped pick it out, and I wore it out of the store. M put it on me, with CJ standing right there. It was a heady, romantic experience. When M. and I broke up, I hung onto the collar for awhile. I finally, after about 2 months, cleansed it of my essence (with a spiritual ceremony), and sent it back to him. I expected a “thank you”, or at least an acknowledgement. I got neither. That epitomized the entire relationship for me. I knew then that what I believed to be true about him had been false from the beginning.

Collaring seems to be an online phenomenon. In all the research I’ve done over the years, I’ve never found a reference for it anywhere else (except online). (If anyone has a living, breathing reference to where a collaring was done before the invention of the internet, please let me know). A collar, then, is a piece of metal or leather worn around the throat for the purposes of fashion, bondage or animal play. The act of “collaring”, however, has grown in gigantic proportions over the internet, in chat rooms, in discussion groups and at munches and parties. “I can’t talk to you, I’m collared”, etc. In IRC, you are supposed to put {dominant’s name or initial here} after your name. On AOL, you’re supposed to put mention in your profile that you’re “collared” to so-and-so. And on email lists, invariably an introduction will feature a line such as “I’ve been collared to MrHeManDominant for six months”. (I’m not saying anything is wrong with this, by the way. I’m just stating what I’ve observed in nearly 10 years of online BDSM interaction.)

Inasmuch it seems, a collar is a symbol, rather than a bondage toy. It symbolizes a committed relationship between two or more people. People get all up in arms about whether a collar is more important than a wedding or engagement ring. So I decided (after my long-winded introduction up there – lol) to give my views on this subject.

I like having something around my neck. I love turtlenecks for this reason. I love those velvet chokers you used to be able to buy at Claire’s. I love those silver “V” necklaces (which is actually called a collar necklace, too – or a sweetheart necklace), too. (I just bought a new one in Cheyenne, after having given the one that M. bought me years ago away). I even like a hand around my neck sometimes. Since I like leather, it seems only natural that I’d like to have a leather collar as well.

I can pretty much say, though, that unless the collar has a d-ring in the front onto which you can attach a leash, it’s not really anything more than a fashion statement for me. If C can reach up and grab that d-ring, and yank me around – then yes – it becomes more of a ds item, and less of an accessory. Again, a collar is a symbol. If the people involved buy a leather or metal collar for the express purpose of showing a commitment, then that’s what it will symbolize.

I see all these “collaring ceremony” websites out on the ‘net. I wonder if the people involved in these elaborate ceremonies are still together. Have they made it past six months? Did they factor a reality into their romantic gesture of “loving d/s”? Or, did they – as so many before them – get caught up in the pomp and circumstance and forget all about sick children and broken-down cars? I worry about people who don’t live in this reality.

Okay, before you start sending me nasty email, no – I don’t believe its all hooey. But some of it is.

I didn’t get collared to my dominant. I married him. I wouldn’t have married him if my commitment to a ds relationship hadn’t been strong, because that’s what brought us together in the first place. There really wasn’t any need for a collaring “ceremony” for us. We had all that covered on our own. When on IRC, yes – I have the little {C} behind my name, for clarity sake. But you’ll rarely if ever see me use the phrase “collared submissive” in reference to myself. I’m not offended by it, or against using it. I feel everyone has to do what their hearts (and heads – egads – always use your head!) tell them to do. But know what it is, going in. Know that it’s not “old guard leather” and it’s not passed down from generations of “European D/s houses” (which, frankly, I’m very skeptical about). It’s the symbol that you and your partner decide it is. And frankly, that’s all it is.