Of Deep Topics and The Need to Write

I’m looking at my running list of topics (Didn’t I tell y’all once that I’m anal retentive? Well, I am.), and I’m thinking about them. Some of them are pretty edgy – even for me. Nothing new to the realm of BDSM mind you. But things that wouldn’t normally come up in day-to-day conversation either. At least, not in our house.

I talked to C. today. He’s excited about how much I’ve been writing, and looks forward to the envelopes that will be arriving, taking my words across the ocean to him. Not only will it provide a diversion from his 12 hour days, but it’ll give him some new insight into the girl he left at home. At least, I hope it will.

Something opened up in me a couple weeks ago. Something that’s been dark for far too long. I’m not sure what forced it open – or steamed it open – or unlocked it – but something is new and different, and it’s allowed me to talk about things here – publicly – that I wouldn’t have talked about in private before. Blessing or curse? I haven’t decided yet.

I have a suspicion what’s caused this outpouring. It has to do with finally – FINALLY – letting go of a wall that I put up five years ago, blocking any and all “potentials” from my line of sight. I got tired of asking for things that never materialized (BDSM related, old relationship), and tired of being promised things that never happened, so I just *stopped* asking and listening to promises. The wall remained, even after C and I got back together and subsequently got married. Rebuilding of faith in myself? Additional trust in my partner? Dunno. But I’m not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth.

Writing is what I do. It’s my creative outlet. Yes, soap and candles and the like are also creative, as is the stenciling I’ve been doing on some wooden plaques for our master bathroom (I couldn’t find anything I liked that matched). But writing is passion for me. I write in my head all the time. I fall asleep crafting stories (most of which never get written, because I don’t write them down (I *am* trying to go to sleep)). I write essays in my head while I’m driving. It’s not 24/7, but it’s as close to anything has ever come for me.

I used to want to write.

Now I need to write. The volume of this blogger has increased dramatically over the last few weeks, and I imagine it will continue this way until I’ve either run out of topics, or run out of steam, whichever comes first. The exploration of these topics – some new, some old – is something that I feel a strong need to do.

I’m taking you along for the ride. Well, if you want to go that is.

But lock the door and put on your seatbelt. We haven’t even hit the curves yet.