If you’re angry and you know it, slap my ass!
….I think

BDSM Politically Correct Law #953: Never play when you’re angry.

(You already know by now that I usually spit in the face of the politically correct, right?)

Awhile back, when C’s boat was getting ready for deployment, they were working very long days. 12 hours, and beyond. Weekends, too, when needed. There was no downtime. Because he’s technically new to the boat (under a year), he’s still working on qualifying to get his “Dolphins”. This is added stress. I did my best to keep the house running smoothly and to make sure he had everything he needed, when he needed it. But I didn’t feel like I was doing enough. He would come home, and the frustration of his day would show right through his gorgeous brown eyes, and no matter how hard he tried to keep that from me, he couldn’t. All I could do was feed him, clothe him, and comfort him. It just didn’t feel like enough, though.

I offered to let him work his frustrations out on me. His aggravation, his dissatisfaction, and yes – his anger. (Somebody quick! Call the BDSM Police! Screamer’s broken another fucking rule!)

Well, put your citizen-arrest cuffs away. He didn’t take me up on it.

I felt safe making the offer. I knew he probably wouldn’t take me up on it, but even if he had, I’d have gone through it.

Why?

Because I trust him.

I, personally, don’t see anything wrong with one committed partner taking out some of their frustrations on the other – provided the following things are apparent:

- Both parties are made aware, from the beginning, of the anger, and that it’s discussed beforehand.
- The angry partner has a well-defined sense of self, and self-control.
- The passive partner (the non-angry one) can separate himself/herself from the anger that the other person is feeling, and not take it personally. (This is key. Really)
- If you don’t have a safeword in place in your relationship (we don’t), then make sure the angry partner knows that if you say “stop” you mean stop. Make sure the angry person is able to HEAR that, and ADHERE to that, or you’re likely heading for trouble.

In a controlled environment, working that anger off with a physical activity can do wonders. It wouldn’t necessarily have to be a beating. Some people are able to expend that negative energy – and turn it into something else entirely – during sex. When I’m angry, I pace. I have been known, upon a very serious occasion, to smack my hand on a wall as well (I don’t punch walls. I did that once. It hurt like a …well, you know what it felt like, and I wouldn’t ever do it again. I also don’t hit people in anger. Having been hit in anger myself, I know that I could never do that to someone I professed to love.) Some people run. Some work on a punching bag, or a…shit, I can’t remember the name of it, but they use it in martial arts and C used to have one in the backyard.
Regardless, what I’m doing during the pacing or wall-smacking is expending energy. It helps. Physically-exhausting sex, or a good old fashioned flogging can expend that energy as well – and – can make the passive partner feel like they’re helping out in some way. I have a pretty light flogger that can sail through the air fast and hard, and makes a satisfying noise, without doing much in the way of pain. I offered it to C. Like I said, he refused, but I’m not averse to offering it again.

Should C beat me if he’s angry at me? I can’t see that happening, mainly because if he’s angry at me, the last person he wants to be around is me . That’s not really an issue here. Should your dominant beat you when he/she is angry at you? That’s not my call. It’s yours. But it’s not something I’d personally advise someone to partake in. Everyone’s relationships are different, though, and only you really know the answer to that.

Why am I writing this? For a couple reasons, actually. First, to share that experience. Second, to say that a strict rule like “Never play when you’re angry” isn’t written in concrete for everyone. As with any rule that’s written for the quote-BDSM Community-unquote, there are exceptions. I don’t take anyone’s rules very seriously – except C’s.

Write your own rules, folks. Write them from your self-knowledge, your relationship-knowledge, and your common sense.