Let’s talk about the word “need”, and the difference between wants, needs and desires.(And before I start, I’m not talking about basic human needs like food and water here)

And of course, I speak only for myself. As always. Thank goodness.

My own quickie definitions of these words (in a practical BDSM sense):

A need, to me, is something that I’ve done (or had done to me), and it’s become so important to me feeling fulfilled in my relationship, that I require it on a regular, semi-regular or at least occasional basis. (example: domination)

A want to me is something that I’ve either a) done and liked and would like to continue to do (but won’t feel unfulfilled if I don’t), or b) something I’ve thought about/written about/discussed with C. to the extent that I’m ready to embark on discovering it. (example: spanking, slapping, bondage)

A desire to me is something that I’ve either read about, talked with someone about, or thought about casually – and have decided is worth further explanation and experimentation. (example: mock-rape scenes, sensory deprivation)


I’ve got this list of stuff I want to write about here. Tonight, as I was looking through it, I was trying to put each of them into one of those three categories. I had trouble doing that, so I had to add a fourth category:

A curiosity to me is something I might have read about or discussed, but haven’t experienced/haven’t thought about enough to know if I want to do it. (example: humiliation, certain kinds of role-playing)

I actually had, though, the difference between wants/needs/desires as a topic, so that’s the direction I’m going right now. I’ll come back to those examples at a later date.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I tend to analyze everything – sometimes, analyzing it to death (isn’t that right, Sir? lol). I think about things, and think and think and think. I do tons of research on everything I think I might want to do before I even take it to anyone else for discussion. I drive the world around me nutso sometimes with it. But it’s how I work, and I’ve stopped trying to apologize for it, although I have taken steps to try to be much more spontaneous as well. It will usually take me quite awhile moving from step-to-step above (from a curiosity to a desire, then to a want). I’ll read about it. I’ll write about it. And then I’ll sit on it until it becomes comfortable enough for me to actually talk about it with C.

Good example: Humiliation has been a curiosity with me for many years. I’ve seen some incredible scenes where humiliation was used in such a way that made my insides go to mush. I’ve also heard some horror stories of it’s being mis-used (“don’t try this at home” lol) or being used in a negative way. It’s also something that I’ve spent so much time dwelling on, because frankly, I spent a good part of my life being humiliated (non-consensually) about my weight and such. But there is something about it that does intrigue me, so I keep it in there, in the back of my mind, and revisit it every so often.

For something to move from a “curiosity” to a “desire”, I’ve had to at least come to a point where I’m ready to discuss it with C.

For something to move from a “desire” to a “want”, C and I had to have discussed it, and come to the conclusion that we are ready to try to slide it into our lives, on a trial run basis.

And I’m not sure what moves something from a “want” to a “need”. Beyond deciding that whatever-it-is has become an inherent part of me.