Discuss, discuss, discuss


I hope there are people new to the BDSM reading this. I think it’s important for folks’ to realize that everyone has something to learn about themselves and their relationships. Even after having actively been involved in D/s and SM since 1993 (and before that, without having a name for it. Someday I’ll talk about that, too), I’m still learning new things about myself, my nature, and my desires. 10 years of experiences and experimentation, and I’m still finding new things to discover.

For instance, I never gave much thought to the difference between submission and surrender. I think the BDSM community uses these words in a way that are very different, though.

Submission: 1. The act of submitting; the act of yielding to power or authority; surrender of the person and power to the control or government of another; obedience; compliance. (Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996)

Surrender: To give up one's self into the power of another; to yield; as, the enemy, seeing no way of escape, surrendered at the first summons. (Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996)

The dictionary defines them the same was – as I would. The common denominator is the yielding of power or authority. The BDSM community, however, somehow alters these definitions – where submission’s definition seems to have the words “within pre-defined limits” tacked onto it.

Do I have “pre-defined” limits? Technically, yes. But as it turns out, my limits are the same as C’s, so they’re a moot point.

So. Did I surrender? Or submit?

Here’s my question: What the hell is the difference?

We spend too much time, as a community, trying to define each other. Frankly, I’m of the mind that if you’re happy with what you’re doing and the way you’re doing it – that’s the most important thing.

I love discussion – that’s why I own five mailing lists pertaining to the BDSM community. But at the end of the day, you can only take away from those lists what works for you. If you try to start defining yourself by someone else’s terms, you’re going to start to feel woefully inadequate. And who the hell needs that?

Don’t let someone else do your thinking for you. Take away what fits, leave what doesn’t.

(by the way, I am going to come back to the surrender thing later - in this case, though, it was just an example)