Well, at one point a few months back, I went on and on about spanking (see the March archives and expect that I’ll be back to talking about this again quite soon), I thought maybe it was time to talk about another one of my hot-buttons, which also is a hand on a cheek – slapping.

Way back in 1996, when my friend Sherrie and I created what was then known as “CWDSS” (I think, or something like that) but is now known as Uncommon Ground , I saw a slapping demonstration. At the time, I was appalled and intrigued at the same time. I kept this to myself, not sharing it with C (who I was broken up with at the time, but still friends with) or my soon-to-be-dominant (small d intentional) M. As a matter of fact, I didn’t talk about it for a very long time after. I did think about it, though.

A few years later, I had the opportunity to witness the same couple (who had also moved to CA) practice this interesting activity again. And my reaction to it that time was less appalled, and more enthusiastic.

I talked to M about it. He poo-poo-ed it, for whatever fucking reason (there was *always* a reason), and my desire to try it went unsated for a few more years. A friend of mine in the SF area and I tried it – lightly – once – after M and I split up, but it didn’t push anything in me. I wanted to try it – again – with someone I was involved with.

When C and I got together months later, I mentioned it almost immediately when we started talking about new things we were interested in. A few weeks went by before he actually tried it – purposefully, I think, so I wouldn’t expect it. He had his hand on my throat (palm against my adam’s apple, lightly), and slapped me lightly a few times, across one cheek. (the hand on the throat thing I’ll get into later, but basically, whatever I write about slapping – my reactions and my emotions – it’s the same)

I damn near went to my knees. And not in a bad way.

The reaction – I believe, the activity – and the intensity of the relationship combined – was enormous for me. Little to nothing had made me feel that weak for years. I think both of us were pleased with the outcome.

Except – that it pretty much stopped there. I think he’s done it once – maybe two or three times since. We’ve talked about it. He knows it’s a hot button. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like doing it (which I seriously doubt it is), or if he doesn’t want it to become commonplace, or for me to expect it (which I guess is possible).

Regardless of why it is, it’s on my list of things to talk to him about when he gets home.

As I’m analyzing damn near everything in my life these days, I’ve been thinking about this. And wondering why it makes me feel the way it does.

I have a few ideas, the simplest one of which is that it’s “instant attitude adjustment” for me. Contrary to popular belief, all submissives who live with their dominants do not stay in that “heels and garters/fuck me anytime/I live only to serve” mindset 24/7. How the hell could you? There are groceries to buy, bills to pay, work to do, laundry to fold, families to deal with. I’m not always in the mindset that I devote my entire attention to C. Don’t get me wrong – he gets my attention when he asks for it. But for him to get the completely un-distracted Screamer, I need to either a) have a few minutes to decompress or b) have something happens quickly and out of the blue to take me there immediately. The slap accomplishes that instantly.

Before I go any further analyzing, let me share this with you – although doing so puts me at risk of you saying “she’s nuts” (ha ha – like you weren’t before, right?). I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20’s. It last six months, it ended badly (with me in a safe house and him in jail) and I did the whole counseling thing afterwards. I don’t think I have any lingering aftereffects from it. But you need to know that before I say this next part.

I do not equate violence with love. I once believed that I had to put UP with violence if I wanted to be loved, and I once believed that ‘he wouldn’t hit me if he didn’t love me so much’ (gad-fucking-zuks). Violence is the only means to an end for a man (or woman) who has no intellectual or emotional recourse. In other words, it’s for people who ain’t smart enough to do anything else.

Having said all that, I can tell you that in my case, face slapping is not S&M. It’s not the pain of it (fuck, it hurts when done hard). It’s the mental aspect of it (as it is with so many activities relating to BDSM) that kicks me into overdrive. It’s that “I can do this because you belong to me” thing. It’s that “I don’t want to hurt you, but I do want your attention so listen up” thing.

There are times that I crave that so much my body hurts. And then there are times when I don’t need it. And probably other times – at moments of high stress – where it might have a completely different effect on me altogether.

It’s very difficult – since I moved out here last summer – for C and I to have a whole lot of ds interaction at all, let alone time to devote to something major. He works long hours (and of course, now, he’s gone), and when he gets home, he’s exhausted and stressed (those dolphins – qualifying for the boat – are a hard road). I find myself recently being very distracted by the whole ds thing – wanting it, needing it – more than I was when we first moved down here. I know I’ve got a long wait (come on, December!), and I intend to put my time to good use between now and then.

So, how do I convey these needs to him, when he’s so far away? I send him these entries by snail-mail (Hi, baby )

It’s early. I’ve got more in me – lol. I’ll be back.