Humiliation is in the Eye of the …well, ME.
Or, What’s hot for you might be cold as ice to me

What’s humiliating…for you?

This has got to be one of the most discussed and least understood areas of BDSM for most people. The possibilities are endless. The “safe edges” are staggeringly diverse. And the meanings – varied and many. The difference between embarrassment, humiliation and degradation is huge. (See my essay on this for more information about how I see the differences).

The idea came up on StrictlyDs awhile back, about “is submission humiliating?” I wrote that phrase down in my list of topics for this blogger, and it’s been there for well over a month. And until today, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to respond.

(I don’t have to say this, but I will, because invariably, someone will say “that’s not true!” about something I write here today. And I’ll say – it *is* true – FOR ME)

Submission is not humiliating – for me. Submission is my chosen way of life. I’ve selected a dominant partner to share my life that views my submission as I do: a way to live. (Course, it also helps that I’m head over heels in love with him) My submission is shameful or degrading; it’s the format in which I choose to live. It’s just *who* and *what* I am, and in it – accepting it, warts and all – is how I feel best about myself.

So that’s out. What else is there?

Humiliation is mostly verbal, although there are some physical elements of it that can be tacked in (including public “flashing”, objectification, etc). The more intense the intimacy is between two people, and the stronger the person on the receiving end is, the more humiliation can be utilized in a relationship. Not everyone in BDSM does this, nor should they. Not everyone wants this. I’m still personally undecided about how much of this I really want in my relationship with C. And because I have a hard time defining what is humiliating to me, it’s not something that’s going to get incorporated into *us* anytime soon. Frankly, I’m not sure it’s even something C is interested in exploring to any degree. I’m doing it myself now, for my own self-knowledge.

What is *not* humiliation for me: being submissive, being called a slut (hell, in one sense of the word, I am a slut (for him), and in our case, being called a slut means *that* - his slut. Not a generic, general slut), being spanked, being called other names (see my post about nicknames). For some folks, those things are humiliating. For me, they’re just part of who we are and what we do.

I think I have trouble defining what *is* humiliating to me, because we’ve not played with any of it. Something that I think at this moment *might* be humiliating, may not be coming from the man I love and trust. It might not be fun or *hot*, but it might not be embarrassing or degrading, either. I just don’t *know*.

Part of being able to incorporate a lot of humiliation into a relationship is based on the level of intimacy between the participants. Knowing each other well, knowing each others true boundaries (as opposed to just things we don’t *like*), and knowing that the person on the receiving end will be *okay* when you push that last little line off the map. It also, I believe, takes a great deal of self-esteem (which is something that’s ever evolving in me) and the ability to *not* internalize the humiliation (this I believe I have the ability to do. For instance, if someone calls me stupid, I know that I’m *not* stupid, so I can just snicker inside and roll my eyes at them). If it’s not done properly and carefully, it can be a mine field.

There’s a couple I know from the Chicago area who have this down to a science. It’s both intriguing and frightening to watch him treat her the way he does, especially if you haven’t heard her speak of it out of “scene”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched them, my gaze glued to her face, watching her eyes and her outward reactions. But listening to her speak, away from “that part” of them, is just as intriguing. This is what she *wants*.

That couple, and other people I’ve heard talk about humiliation speak of a “loss of ego” during a particularly grueling “scene” (I don’t know what else to call it but “scene”, even though it doesn’t really fit here). About being “reduced” to someone who has no ego, no arrogance. They’ve gone on to say that this is a way of reducing inhibitions. Of releasing hang-ups. And of letting go of those last little vestiges of false pride.

A quote from Ask the Therapist Copyright © 1994 by William A. Henkin
Degradation and humiliation exist on a continuum that begins with the mildest embarrassment and proceeds through the most severe debasement. And along the way some people learn the difference between humiliation and humility – a state that can only be attained when false pride is stripped away from a posturing ego and the real strength of an individual shines forth. This can be a gift for the Top of stunning beauty.

Having said all that, I’m still not sure it’s something I’m willing to plunge right into. Maybe edge into, but certainly not dive into at the level of these folks’ I’ve watched.

And you shouldn’t either (There’s Auntie Screamer again, butting in). Moderation is they key here – moving slowly, and keeping the pace consistent.

But it’s certainly something to talk about.