Rituals, Structure and Time
or lack thereof

I’ve said this – a lot. C and I don’t have a lot of down time together. His job is very demanding – and out of the last ten months, since we’ve been here, he’s been gone for almost six of those. When you factor in 12 hour days (for us both. I was working two contracts when we first got here), being tired, stressed and bleary-eyed, it doesn’t leave a lot of room for much else.

We don’t talk much about the D/s dynamic between us. Hell, we barely have time to talk about which bills got paid and where we should go for dinner. That’s probably one of the things that have prompted all this writing as of late – a need to discuss this, even if just with myself. Being submissive to a dominant man is part of my make-up. It’s what makes me feel “right”. I don’t like to get all fluffy and mushy and such, but I feel, deep down, that it’s part of my essence as a human being.

The D/s thing has been between C and I since we met. We met initially on AOL, in a chat room called “Le Chateau Dungeon” (incidentally, I met some of my best BDSM friends in this room – people I am still friends with today (and some I’m not – lol) – so say what you will about AOL – back in 1994/95/96 – it was great), which was specifically a room that revolved around D/s. It’s always been there for us, even when it wasn’t talked about. Even when the intensity level of it is low, C has never had to fight to get his way. He just *does*. That’s the way this works for us.

Having said that, in a perfect world, I wish that we were able to interact more in an “active” d/s way, rather than passive (which is what I feel we are now).

When I started writing this a few hours ago (I keep getting distracted; part of the price you pay when you work at home), I had wanted to come up with a list of structural things that C and I could do to augment our relationship, and steer it around to a more active participation. Some little rituals that would help us along. Part of me now calls that selfish. Without asking him, here I would be, preparing a list of things I’d like to have happen so that *I* could be happier and more comfortable. I say only part of me, because an element of me doing all this writing in the first place is to share my needs with him, right? It’s confusing. So I’m still working it through in my head.

I think structure *is* important. I think rituals, and in some cases – rules – are important. I think follow-through is important. Consistency.

But in our house, sleep is also important. . And with as little time as we seem to have, this all may need to wait awhile longer.