“I HATE THAT”
Or, Limits and Lines


As I said earlier, I was thinking about my need/want/desire/curiosity thing last night, and it occurred to me that I’d missed a very big part of that.

What I don’t need, don’t want, don’t desire and am not curious about. And what to do when things come up that challenge that – for instance, something that C would be interested in (as a want, desire or curiosity) and gives me the big ol’ squick (squick is an internet word, meaning something along the lines of “grosses me out” or “heebie-jeebies”). And additionally, things that I hate .

If there’s something that I don’t need, and C does, he’ll get it. His needs being met are paramount to my needs being met. If we don’t meet each other’s basic needs, we have no business being together.

If there’s something I don’t want, and C does, chances are he’ll get it. His wants are important to me.

If there’s something that I don’t desire, and C does, chances are we’ll try it. And evaluate it afterwards.

If there’s something that I’m not curious about, and C is, we’ll discuss it, and decide if it’s a desire, a want, or a non-issue. (See the pattern here?)

Impromptu Rant Warning

Thing is, though, that even though the illusion of ds to the outsider (and even to the newcomers, and occasionally to people who’ve been around for awhile) is that his (the dominant) needs/wants/wishes and desires are important, and mine only become important when they match his. No, seriously. People actually say that. (If you are one who does, I’ll only apologize for my sarcasm here). People rarely stay where there needs are not eventually and at least occasionally met. If you’re staying in a relationship and are content with your decision to stay, you have needs being met. Maybe not the surface ones – but at least *some*.

End Impromptu Rant – Proceed Normally

The only point not covered in the above 4 points (above the rant) is the I hate that! option. And yes, there are some of those. Both in ds and in life. I hate the fact that my husband is deployed right now and not home with me. I hate it, but I can live with it. It’s not a limit. It’s not a line that can’t be crossed. It’s the way our life is structured, and I knew that when I married him.

So what about the stuff we hate, and can’t live with?

In many, many relationships – we call those “deal-breakers”. As in, “I love you, but I can’t do that. See ya.” I’ve had some of those, in past relationships. In BDSM, they’re most times called “limits”. But that word is carelessly mis-used in the online (and probably off-line) communities these days. For instance, say you have a ball gag fear. When you meet DomlyOne, you tell him ball gags are a limit. But he really likes ball gags. So slowly, he introduces gags to you, and eventually, you can tolerate them. And eventually, you can tolerate a ball gag, too. Was that really a limit? Or was it just a “I don’t desire/want that!” thing?

You can hate something, and still be willing to do it. Up until a year or so ago, I hated hand spankings. I have horrible memories attached to hand spankings, as well as paddles and fucking full-size boat oars (but that’s another story entirely). It wasn’t a limit for me. It wasn’t really even a line. It was just something I didn’t like. This was something that C. really enjoyed; I’d almost say “needed”. So, as in the ball gag example above, we worked up to it.

Guess what? I don’t hate it anymore. I’d almost go so far as to say that spankings/paddlings are a “want” for me.

Limits, for me, are things that morally or spiritually go against my beliefs. Messing with animals, children, relatives. Playing with excrement. Very basic things that I’m safe in saying that I’d never change my mind on. This goes beyond “I hate that.”

Confused? I hope not. Review. You have needs. Wants. Desires. Curiosities. Your partner has each of these, too. You have things you hate. So does your partner. You have limits, in regards to your health, safety and mental esteem. So does your partner. See? Defining each thing at its own level, in my opinion, is pretty important. The more thought you put into your own feelings about something, the more logically you can discuss it with your partner when he or you decide it’s time to bring it up. And the better your chances of getting those needs/wants/desires and curiosities satisfied.