Punishment
I’ll take it over guilt anyday.

I said, in an earlier entry: *. No need to drag it out. No need to feel guilty for it. It’s done and over with. (This comes into play for all punishment for me, not just age play.) I have huge issues with guilt, which I’ll get into later.

Okay, well it’s later.

I’ve been busy working to get things ready in case Isabel decided to come busting through my patio doors, but it looks now like we’ll only take on part of the force, not near what was expected. So I’m working toward getting things as back to normal as possible, until I hear otherwise. In doing so, I decided it was time to get back to my writing.

Guilt.

When I was talking to C on the phone yesterday, he mentioned that I’d never told him about how I feel guilty about food, and how I used to hide food as a kid. I told him it was because I’ve just recently put that together with some of my other issues. It wasn’t that I blocked it, it just didn’t come up in my mind when I thought about my childhood. I told him then, too, that it was only one thing in my life that I carry guilt about.

I was raised Catholic. They say folks of the Jewish faith are the guilt-givers (stereotype alert! lol), but I’ll tell you – the Catholics have them at the finish line. I have guilt about my weight, my quitting college, my living so far from my family, my lack-of-gainful-employment. Guilt used to run my life. Now, while I still have it, I don’t let it run me. It’s there, lurking. It only gets a voice when I allow it to.

When I do something that upsets C, I feel terribly guilty.

Somewhere in my upbringing, I lost that piece of information that says “People make mistakes”. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a Type-A personality, but in truth, I’m a perfectionist. But I’m a selective perfectionist. I’m a perfectionist in my relationships, in my business and my work. Anything that I create must be perfect, or I’m displeased with it. My behavior must be perfect, especially with C. When it isn’t, I feel bad.

Punishment, for me, is the answer to that. It’s a swift way to eradicate the guilt and bad feelings I have, and know that instantly, I have paid the price for my misdeeds. They are done and over with. I am clean. I don’t have that with any of the other guilt I carry around.

I sometimes wonder if I want that – meaning, if I went to C, and said “Look, I should have called my folks’ today. I didn’t, and I deserve to be punished.” – would that work in our relationship. I’m not thinking it would. I don’t think it would have any adverse affect on me, but I honestly can’t see C. going for that. It doesn’t seem to “fit” for us, but I imagine we’ll talk about that when he gets home.

During all this soul-searching I’ve been doing re: my weight, I’m trying to shed the guilt I feel about that – and about eating. Maybe if I can crack that wall, I can get through the other portions as well.

I’m not neurotic. I’m just weird.