One Comment...
Can last a lifetime

I've been doing some pretty heavy reading about self-image, in particular, how to FIX self-image. One of the books goes on and on about highlighting the positive things about youself, and learning to love the not-so-positive things. One of the things I discovered (doing the book exercises) is that I really like my hands (amongst other things). And I especially liked my hands when I had the acryllic nails. Okay, so I gotta stop and ask myself "Why don't I have acryllic nails anymore, if I liked them so much?". Then I gotta start going back into the past and see what caused me to quit getting them. So. We go just a little ways back, and we find M. (accckkk. My self-image and I would really like to erase M., but unfortunately, we can't). M. was the one who suggested I get the nails in the first place, and he paid for them the first time, and several times after that. (I paid for them in between). It took me about two months after he first suggested me doing it. Why? So. We go a little FURTHER back, and find -- a comment by one of my many ignorant backwards redneck boyfriends, saying something to the extent of "Why would you spend all that money on makeup? You're still fat."

AH HA!

Since the comment by the ignorant redneck, I can look back and say honestly that I rarely spend any money on my *appearance*. I don't get fancy haircuts. I use drug-store shampoo (well, Pantene, but still...). I bet I haven't spent 50.00 on makeup in the last two years, and I rarely wear any. I don't take very good care of my skin. The list goes on. And I realize that I don't do that because somehow, the redneck's comment stuck, and I feel like it's a waste of money. I hate wasting money.

Why, I wonder, did that comment stick, when for the first six months C. and I lived together back in '95, his telling me multiple times daily "how pretty I was" didn't stick? I'm wondering if it's kind of like faction work in EQ:

Faction with Good Guys at start of game: 100
Kill one bad guy: Faction 101
Kill ten more bad guys: Faction 111
Kill one really big bad guy: Faction 121
Kill one good guy by mistake: Faction 111 (negative is a lot more points than positive)
Kill another bad guy: Faction 112

And on and on.

Replace the killing with "comments made to me, about me" and replace "bad guy" with "positive comments" and "good guy" with negative comments. If you start out with a self-image of 100, it would take more than a few positive
ones to do away with the results of the negative ones. And boy do I have a truckload of negative ones. From school (kids can be so fucking mean), to my well-meaning mother (and she did mean well. I know that now. But then - every time I looked at something she didn't think I should be eating, I got 'the look'. That look probably has a lot to do with my self-image, too, but that's another post), to every boyfriend/man I've had in my life (with the exception of my current husband, and strangely enough, my ex husband).

At the ripe old age of 38, I know that it's up to me to fill that positive faction back up, and while comments from people I care about (positive ones) will help, and add to the faction - it's ultimately up to ME.

And I'm working on it.