I got up this morning and realized that it was St Patrick's Day.
Knowing my wardrobe as well as I do, I knew there wasn't anything in the "clothes I wear" section that was even close to green.
Panic set in.
Then, I opened the other door of my closet and peered inside. Green sweater, near the back. Haven't worn it since Portland, so 5-6 years ago.
I warily removed it from the hanger, looked at the size, held it up.
"that's not going to fit yet." I chided myself.
"You wait and see."
It fit.
St Patrick bless me, I'm back in some more clothes I didn't know if I'd ever wear again!
4 leaf clovers for everyone!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
slightly inspired
I guess it's not easy to realize when you're in a bad spot - how bad it is. When it starts getting better, and you look back and realize how dark it was, it makes you run even faster to get away.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Siren's Song
My horoscope today started with... "If you let yourself be lured by the siren song of ambivalence...."
Well, ambivalence isn't something I usually am lured by. Actually, it sorta pisses me off. But I got to thinking about things that come into my life that I am lured by.....
Siren Songs (and how I’m learning selective hearing)
When my marriage officially ended (not legally yet, just officially in my mind), I made a few decisions, the most important of which being: If you aren’t getting as much out of a relationship as you’re putting into it, it’s time for it to go.
I’ve spent the last few days evaluating the relationships in my life. Things that used to keep me in them – even when they weren’t fulfilling me, or giving back equally to me, no longer will be allowed to hold me. I say that, knowing full well that it’s easier to say than to do.
Not only am I learning to relate to people different, but I also need to learn to relate to myself differently. I don’t have to settle for scraps if what I really want is filet mignon. I don’t always have to initiate contact. I don’t always have to laugh at a joke if I don’t feel like it. I don’t have to respond to something said simply to get my goat.
In the past, my responses were automatic. I’m trying to make them less so now.
I do not have to listen to the siren’s song, and dance for her.
I’ll dance when I goddamn well want to, and not before.
The array of choices before me now is limitless. I intend to sample the ones that appeal to me, and not feel obligated to taste them all. I don’t eat anything anymore just because it’s there – why should I feel obligated to take an option just because it exists?
I shouldn’t. I don’t. I won’t.
Well, ambivalence isn't something I usually am lured by. Actually, it sorta pisses me off. But I got to thinking about things that come into my life that I am lured by.....
Siren Songs (and how I’m learning selective hearing)
When my marriage officially ended (not legally yet, just officially in my mind), I made a few decisions, the most important of which being: If you aren’t getting as much out of a relationship as you’re putting into it, it’s time for it to go.
I’ve spent the last few days evaluating the relationships in my life. Things that used to keep me in them – even when they weren’t fulfilling me, or giving back equally to me, no longer will be allowed to hold me. I say that, knowing full well that it’s easier to say than to do.
Not only am I learning to relate to people different, but I also need to learn to relate to myself differently. I don’t have to settle for scraps if what I really want is filet mignon. I don’t always have to initiate contact. I don’t always have to laugh at a joke if I don’t feel like it. I don’t have to respond to something said simply to get my goat.
In the past, my responses were automatic. I’m trying to make them less so now.
I do not have to listen to the siren’s song, and dance for her.
I’ll dance when I goddamn well want to, and not before.
The array of choices before me now is limitless. I intend to sample the ones that appeal to me, and not feel obligated to taste them all. I don’t eat anything anymore just because it’s there – why should I feel obligated to take an option just because it exists?
I shouldn’t. I don’t. I won’t.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Punishment
I am punishing myself with a wool sweater today. I don't know why else I would wear it except to give myself the itchies all day.
Well, it's purple, and it's vneck and I do love the color. But it makes me itch. I don't know why I keep it.
I wonder sometimes if we don't punish ourselves subsconciously. I have to wonder if the reason I haven't told C to file his fucking divorce papers is because I'm punishing myself for some unknown offense against him. Consciously, I know I haven't done a thing that would warrant his behavior or treatment of me for the better part of 18 months. (oh, when I'm there, he's great but that's cause he wants sex, I'm sure - right now, there's an outstanding email for him (sent 3 times) that he has yet to respond to in 3 weeks)
I know that when I make poor food choices, I punish myself by yelling at my inner self. So maybe - just maybe - we do it more than we realize.
Or, maybe I'm just full of shit and cranky today because my sweater is making me itch.
Well, it's purple, and it's vneck and I do love the color. But it makes me itch. I don't know why I keep it.
I wonder sometimes if we don't punish ourselves subsconciously. I have to wonder if the reason I haven't told C to file his fucking divorce papers is because I'm punishing myself for some unknown offense against him. Consciously, I know I haven't done a thing that would warrant his behavior or treatment of me for the better part of 18 months. (oh, when I'm there, he's great but that's cause he wants sex, I'm sure - right now, there's an outstanding email for him (sent 3 times) that he has yet to respond to in 3 weeks)
I know that when I make poor food choices, I punish myself by yelling at my inner self. So maybe - just maybe - we do it more than we realize.
Or, maybe I'm just full of shit and cranky today because my sweater is making me itch.
Friday, March 10, 2006
The geek in me says.....
[jms@lifetables]$ vi makeLifeChanges.sql
alter table Life add
Exercise varchar2(2006),
EatingBetter varchar2(2006),
;
alter table life drop
EvilSugarCarbsFat varchar2(2004),
Pounds number,
;
commit;
If you understand that, welcome to geekdom :)
alter table Life add
Exercise varchar2(2006),
EatingBetter varchar2(2006),
;
alter table life drop
EvilSugarCarbsFat varchar2(2004),
Pounds number,
;
commit;
If you understand that, welcome to geekdom :)
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Sad, but time.
I took my engagement ring off last night.
I’d been wearing it again since I went down to Virginia to see C. in October, but at this point, I don’t think there’s much sense wearing it.
It’s an emerald – my favorite. Maybe when this is all done and over with, I’ll have the stone removed and remade into another ring.
3 emails and still no response from him at all. I know the boat’s not out.
I guess that’s all the answer I need, huh.
It’s time.
I’d been wearing it again since I went down to Virginia to see C. in October, but at this point, I don’t think there’s much sense wearing it.
It’s an emerald – my favorite. Maybe when this is all done and over with, I’ll have the stone removed and remade into another ring.
3 emails and still no response from him at all. I know the boat’s not out.
I guess that’s all the answer I need, huh.
It’s time.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Beautiful
Someone posed the question on a group asking what makes women feel beautiful. I’ve been thinking a lot about that the last few days.
I feel best when I’m taking excellent care of myself. Yesterday, after working out and before jumping in the shower, I gathered some of my soap making stuff in the kitchen and made myself an awesome sugar scrub to use. (I make handmade soap and candles as a hobby. I had a business for awhile but it just flat out got to be too much with a full time job). I put my favorite shower scent (Oatmeal, Milk and Honey) in it, and carted it into the shower with me. Using it, letting the scent waft around me in the hot water and steam - *that* makes me feel beautiful. Because I’m doing something good for myself, and making myself happy doing it. Braiding my hair when it’s wet, and sleeping on it until the next day – taking it out and letting these nice, soft huge waves fall out of it (see picture – that’s what I did there), and feeling their softness flow over my shoulders - *that* makes me feel beautiful.
Everyone is different of course. Everyone has different triggers that make their blood run hot and their eyes narrow in ecstasy and their tongue slip out to lick their dry lips seductively. But for me, taking care of myself – something I had never been good at until about a year ago – really does it for me.
I feel best when I’m taking excellent care of myself. Yesterday, after working out and before jumping in the shower, I gathered some of my soap making stuff in the kitchen and made myself an awesome sugar scrub to use. (I make handmade soap and candles as a hobby. I had a business for awhile but it just flat out got to be too much with a full time job). I put my favorite shower scent (Oatmeal, Milk and Honey) in it, and carted it into the shower with me. Using it, letting the scent waft around me in the hot water and steam - *that* makes me feel beautiful. Because I’m doing something good for myself, and making myself happy doing it. Braiding my hair when it’s wet, and sleeping on it until the next day – taking it out and letting these nice, soft huge waves fall out of it (see picture – that’s what I did there), and feeling their softness flow over my shoulders - *that* makes me feel beautiful.
Everyone is different of course. Everyone has different triggers that make their blood run hot and their eyes narrow in ecstasy and their tongue slip out to lick their dry lips seductively. But for me, taking care of myself – something I had never been good at until about a year ago – really does it for me.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
While I don’t endorse divorce for exploration’s sake, this separation has certainly led me to do some interesting thinking.
After a particularly disappointing conversation with the ex, I gave some serious thought to my relationships, and my behavior in them. I discovered much to my…dismay… that I’ve typically been a pursuer in a relationship. It may not always start that way, but it’s typically been me who’s done the pursuing after the initial contact. I’ve always had a very bad habit – though I didn’t know it was bad at the time – of doing the lion’s share of the work, and making it entirely too easy for the men I’ve had in my life.
This was brought to the forefront of my mind on Valentine’s day – when the only gift I received was from a very dear friend. He sent me lilies, my favorite. And I had to seriously stop and think about when the last time it was that a man had sent me flowers without actually having been in a committed relationship with me. Actually giving that some thought, I had to admit myself that I had never really been “courted”. Quite an eye opener for a lady twice divorced(well, once, and looking at #2), with an additional 4 year live-in relationship in her life.
Looking at my life today, I realized that I still sorta revert to my previous habits. I’m typically the first one to send a message to someone when they come online. I’ll be the one who sends an email out of the blue. I’ll be the one who calls.
And I’m realizing (albeit slowly) that that’s not the way I want the rest of my life to go.
With my weight loss comes a self-confidence that I haven’t felt in many years. And with that confidence comes a reminder that – hey, chick, you don’t have to do that. Let someone else take the wheel for a change.
How that’s going to impact my sex life, only the goddess knows. But considering I’ve been mostly celibate for the last 18 months, it’s only got to get better /wink.
After a particularly disappointing conversation with the ex, I gave some serious thought to my relationships, and my behavior in them. I discovered much to my…dismay… that I’ve typically been a pursuer in a relationship. It may not always start that way, but it’s typically been me who’s done the pursuing after the initial contact. I’ve always had a very bad habit – though I didn’t know it was bad at the time – of doing the lion’s share of the work, and making it entirely too easy for the men I’ve had in my life.
This was brought to the forefront of my mind on Valentine’s day – when the only gift I received was from a very dear friend. He sent me lilies, my favorite. And I had to seriously stop and think about when the last time it was that a man had sent me flowers without actually having been in a committed relationship with me. Actually giving that some thought, I had to admit myself that I had never really been “courted”. Quite an eye opener for a lady twice divorced(well, once, and looking at #2), with an additional 4 year live-in relationship in her life.
Looking at my life today, I realized that I still sorta revert to my previous habits. I’m typically the first one to send a message to someone when they come online. I’ll be the one who sends an email out of the blue. I’ll be the one who calls.
And I’m realizing (albeit slowly) that that’s not the way I want the rest of my life to go.
With my weight loss comes a self-confidence that I haven’t felt in many years. And with that confidence comes a reminder that – hey, chick, you don’t have to do that. Let someone else take the wheel for a change.
How that’s going to impact my sex life, only the goddess knows. But considering I’ve been mostly celibate for the last 18 months, it’s only got to get better /wink.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Hm.
I have never been courted.
Not in an old-fashioned sense. Not in a today-sense.
I meet someone, we spend time together, it progresses. Not once in my entire life have I actually been courted. No one ever had to "work" to get me. I've fallen into relationships as easy as some people fall into a snowbank.
*chuckle* Maybe that's a problem.
I got flowers from a friend for Valentine's day.
I've decided that I liked that, and I want more of it :)
Not in an old-fashioned sense. Not in a today-sense.
I meet someone, we spend time together, it progresses. Not once in my entire life have I actually been courted. No one ever had to "work" to get me. I've fallen into relationships as easy as some people fall into a snowbank.
*chuckle* Maybe that's a problem.
I got flowers from a friend for Valentine's day.
I've decided that I liked that, and I want more of it :)
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Another one
Another birthday, come and gone.
I had considered getting pissy about the lack of attention from down south on such an auspicious day. Actually I did get pissy. For about 10 minutes.
Then I decided that no one deserves that kinda control over my emotions. And I left it behind.
So. Happy birthday to me. I stayed under my calories, I did 35 minutes @ 17.7mph on the bike, and I relaxed.
Who needs more than that?
I had considered getting pissy about the lack of attention from down south on such an auspicious day. Actually I did get pissy. For about 10 minutes.
Then I decided that no one deserves that kinda control over my emotions. And I left it behind.
So. Happy birthday to me. I stayed under my calories, I did 35 minutes @ 17.7mph on the bike, and I relaxed.
Who needs more than that?
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Me first.
At several points in my life, I've made this promise to myself:
ME First.
And typically, after I've done that, something happens - some kind of dramatic bullshit - that distracts me from that.
I'm making a conscious decision to not let that happen this time.
I've spent far too much time in the last year worrying about things I have no control over. No more.
Focus --> Me.
I can't help feeling selfish by doing and saying that. But occasionally in life, you gotta be selfish. Especially when it's your own life at stake.
ME First.
And typically, after I've done that, something happens - some kind of dramatic bullshit - that distracts me from that.
I'm making a conscious decision to not let that happen this time.
I've spent far too much time in the last year worrying about things I have no control over. No more.
Focus --> Me.
I can't help feeling selfish by doing and saying that. But occasionally in life, you gotta be selfish. Especially when it's your own life at stake.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
For those of you wondering...
..where the D/s went....
Well. It's still in my head and my heart. It's just not so much on paper.
There are many reasons for that. Firstly, because currently there is none in my life. Secondly, because I'm working on myself right now, and there really isn't any room in my life for another person to serve (I am my own demanding taskmaster!). And thirdly, I guess, because I'm in a place where it's slipped way down on the priority scale.
That makes me really sad, but what's happening with me right now is much more important.
It's not that I don't think, fantasize and dream about D/s. It's simply that that's as far as I can go with it right now.
But since it's still there -- I imagine it'll be back, sooner rather than later.
Well. It's still in my head and my heart. It's just not so much on paper.
There are many reasons for that. Firstly, because currently there is none in my life. Secondly, because I'm working on myself right now, and there really isn't any room in my life for another person to serve (I am my own demanding taskmaster!). And thirdly, I guess, because I'm in a place where it's slipped way down on the priority scale.
That makes me really sad, but what's happening with me right now is much more important.
It's not that I don't think, fantasize and dream about D/s. It's simply that that's as far as I can go with it right now.
But since it's still there -- I imagine it'll be back, sooner rather than later.
Admitting you have a problem is...
Okay, well, I'll admit it. I'm a magazine whore.
It's not that I subscribe to a lot. Just Self and Fit right now, but going to the store always means there will be two or three more in my bag: Cosmo, Us, Shape, Prevention, Allure....doesn't matter, really. Us is really my only guilty pleasure...well, okay, Us and Cosmo. The others, I read for...wisdom collection.
If I spend 3.00 on a magazine, and I take away one piece of wisdom, or one thought that makes me think about my life in a different way - it was worth the three bucks.
I love my magazines. Just try to take them away from me!
I'm also a book whore. Since I started working, and since I don't ever go out for lunch, my lunch hour at least once a week is spent at Border's or Half Price Books - sometimes, two days. I'm still reading fantasy books (The Witches of Eileanan series by Kate Forsyth was *fabulous*!. Now, I'm reading Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory MacGuire, which C got me for Christmas) at night before I go to sleep, but on my table by the couch, I have a pile of non-fiction that I read when there's nothing on TV, or I read them while on the exercise bike. There are some fitness books, there are some wisdom books, there are some women-centric books (Sexy Witch by LaSara W. FireFox is a great read!). I find myself lately reading more and more. I can't seem to help myself.
Reading is my passion. That's just the way it is.
It's not that I subscribe to a lot. Just Self and Fit right now, but going to the store always means there will be two or three more in my bag: Cosmo, Us, Shape, Prevention, Allure....doesn't matter, really. Us is really my only guilty pleasure...well, okay, Us and Cosmo. The others, I read for...wisdom collection.
If I spend 3.00 on a magazine, and I take away one piece of wisdom, or one thought that makes me think about my life in a different way - it was worth the three bucks.
I love my magazines. Just try to take them away from me!
I'm also a book whore. Since I started working, and since I don't ever go out for lunch, my lunch hour at least once a week is spent at Border's or Half Price Books - sometimes, two days. I'm still reading fantasy books (The Witches of Eileanan series by Kate Forsyth was *fabulous*!. Now, I'm reading Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory MacGuire, which C got me for Christmas) at night before I go to sleep, but on my table by the couch, I have a pile of non-fiction that I read when there's nothing on TV, or I read them while on the exercise bike. There are some fitness books, there are some wisdom books, there are some women-centric books (Sexy Witch by LaSara W. FireFox is a great read!). I find myself lately reading more and more. I can't seem to help myself.
Reading is my passion. That's just the way it is.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Greetings
I had a fill in my lapband on 1/17. Seems to be a good fill, as I’m eating slightly less, but have the same or better energy level. That might be because I’m actually doing real exercise at night! (6 nights a week). I’m up to 30 minutes(8.5 miles or so in that time so far, about 17mph) a night. It’s good. Boring, but good.
Work is going well – did I tell you I got a real job?- lol. I got hired on full-time status effective 1/16, at 12K more a year than I asked for, so yea – I’m happy
As far as my love life goes, well, I really don’t have one. But the weightloss and the exercise have propelled me forward into taking MUCH better care of myself. I’ve done some serious reading on relationships, self, etc, and am putting as much as fits me into practice.
And you know what? I feel excellent. I truly do. For the first time in god knows how long.
And for those that know me IRL, my hair is actually now down to my butt YEE HA.
Have a great day.
I had a fill in my lapband on 1/17. Seems to be a good fill, as I’m eating slightly less, but have the same or better energy level. That might be because I’m actually doing real exercise at night! (6 nights a week). I’m up to 30 minutes(8.5 miles or so in that time so far, about 17mph) a night. It’s good. Boring, but good.
Work is going well – did I tell you I got a real job?- lol. I got hired on full-time status effective 1/16, at 12K more a year than I asked for, so yea – I’m happy
As far as my love life goes, well, I really don’t have one. But the weightloss and the exercise have propelled me forward into taking MUCH better care of myself. I’ve done some serious reading on relationships, self, etc, and am putting as much as fits me into practice.
And you know what? I feel excellent. I truly do. For the first time in god knows how long.
And for those that know me IRL, my hair is actually now down to my butt YEE HA.
Have a great day.
Friday, January 06, 2006
I suck at updating
Okay, so it's been ages since I posted. Good reasons for that? I got a job :) Better reasons? I've been writing.
So, let's see.
Since I started the pre-surgery processing last June, I've lost 64 pounds. I feel GREAT. This week, I started riding my exercise bike *every day* instead of just when I thought about it. I started at 1 mile, am going to work up to 5, then up the tension some.
I'm still working on my fantasy novel. So many good ideas, so little time to write them.
I started working for a small software company the week of Thanksgiving. The work is good, my boss is so-so, but I'm getting into the swing of it, and I'm sure it'll be fine.
I spent New Year's with C. He was sick for most of it. Talking went so-so, but when he and I just let go and be ourselves and have fun, we have such a great time. Having a relationship like that is a gift. It's a sin to waste it /nod
The cats are great. My family is great. Christmas was all right. My tree is still up ha ha. My mom has to come and take it down with me, cause she wants to pack my ornaments up "right" /eyeroll. Sometimes, it's easier to just agree, smile and nod.
I'm playing some World of Warcraft, and also some Warcraft III. I'm watching "Queer as Folk" from the beginning(I've never seen it, but I've heard so many people talk about how much they liked it, that I had to give it a try, and now I'm hooked). I'm about halfway through season 3, so don't ruin it for me :)
I just wanted to catch y'all up if you're still reading. Once my brain slows down, I'll come back and expand on some of that more :)
So, let's see.
Since I started the pre-surgery processing last June, I've lost 64 pounds. I feel GREAT. This week, I started riding my exercise bike *every day* instead of just when I thought about it. I started at 1 mile, am going to work up to 5, then up the tension some.
I'm still working on my fantasy novel. So many good ideas, so little time to write them.
I started working for a small software company the week of Thanksgiving. The work is good, my boss is so-so, but I'm getting into the swing of it, and I'm sure it'll be fine.
I spent New Year's with C. He was sick for most of it. Talking went so-so, but when he and I just let go and be ourselves and have fun, we have such a great time. Having a relationship like that is a gift. It's a sin to waste it /nod
The cats are great. My family is great. Christmas was all right. My tree is still up ha ha. My mom has to come and take it down with me, cause she wants to pack my ornaments up "right" /eyeroll. Sometimes, it's easier to just agree, smile and nod.
I'm playing some World of Warcraft, and also some Warcraft III. I'm watching "Queer as Folk" from the beginning(I've never seen it, but I've heard so many people talk about how much they liked it, that I had to give it a try, and now I'm hooked). I'm about halfway through season 3, so don't ruin it for me :)
I just wanted to catch y'all up if you're still reading. Once my brain slows down, I'll come back and expand on some of that more :)
Sunday, September 25, 2005
To think on - well, me anyway.
The future is unwritten.
There is still too much for me to do and see in this life for me to accept my past as my future.
*grin*
There is still too much for me to do and see in this life for me to accept my past as my future.
*grin*
Friday, September 23, 2005
Home, Safe, Feeling better
Just a quick note to let y'all know I got home Tuesday night from the hospital, and am recovering nicely. :) No regrets. No second thoughts.
My new tagline: "If you can't treat me like the princess I am, please feel free to fuck off at any time."
What is means: My self-confidence grows by the day, as it has since the middle of summer. Regardless of how I like to be treated in the bedroom *grin*, outside of that and in my life as a whole - you'd better be prepared to treat me right~
*grins*
(No, it's not the drugs I swear!) *laugh*
My new tagline: "If you can't treat me like the princess I am, please feel free to fuck off at any time."
What is means: My self-confidence grows by the day, as it has since the middle of summer. Regardless of how I like to be treated in the bedroom *grin*, outside of that and in my life as a whole - you'd better be prepared to treat me right~
*grins*
(No, it's not the drugs I swear!) *laugh*
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Where I've been, Where I'll be
Quiet, I know. Been busy here, getting ready for my surgery.
Gastric Band (second article, NOT the top one!
This is something I've wanted to have done for a long time. Because of Tri-Care (Navy Insurance) I am able to have it done.
My surgery is tomorrow, and I should be home Tuesday night at the latest. I'm not nervous or scared, more excited that finally having this done removes my last excuse for moving my life forward. For that, I'm happy.
So I'll see y'all soon :)
Gastric Band (second article, NOT the top one!
This is something I've wanted to have done for a long time. Because of Tri-Care (Navy Insurance) I am able to have it done.
My surgery is tomorrow, and I should be home Tuesday night at the latest. I'm not nervous or scared, more excited that finally having this done removes my last excuse for moving my life forward. For that, I'm happy.
So I'll see y'all soon :)
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