Punishment

I am punishing myself with a wool sweater today. I don't know why else I would wear it except to give myself the itchies all day.

Well, it's purple, and it's vneck and I do love the color. But it makes me itch. I don't know why I keep it.

I wonder sometimes if we don't punish ourselves subsconciously. I have to wonder if the reason I haven't told C to file his fucking divorce papers is because I'm punishing myself for some unknown offense against him. Consciously, I know I haven't done a thing that would warrant his behavior or treatment of me for the better part of 18 months. (oh, when I'm there, he's great but that's cause he wants sex, I'm sure - right now, there's an outstanding email for him (sent 3 times) that he has yet to respond to in 3 weeks)

I know that when I make poor food choices, I punish myself by yelling at my inner self. So maybe - just maybe - we do it more than we realize.

Or, maybe I'm just full of shit and cranky today because my sweater is making me itch.