Nasty

Nasty.

Someone asked me recently what the nastiest thing I had ever done sexually was. That's such a good question, but so hard to answer. Tastes change over time. Something that might have been VERY nasty to me 15 years ago might be something that is normal to me now.

My ex seemed to have harder and higher limits than mine as far as that goes. There were things that I'd given thought to and wanted to try, but he was very resistent to. And I never knew why. He never said, and if I asked, typically the subject got changed. I got him to put his hand on my throat once, and he slapped me maybe twice, but these were things that were never repeated, even if I asked. I think I started building walls about then. I wanted to protect myself from judgement - I don't know if he was judging my desires or not, but I didn't want to take the chance. This was someone that I didn't want to have to protect myself from, and I resented that, I think. This was the person that I wanted to be able to be 100pct free with, and feel as if I could ask for anything, do anything, feel anything. I thought that's what he wanted too, but his actions were much different than his words. I wanted to be his dirty litle whore, but I ended up being his wife. Maybe he just couldn't - after 12 years of knowing me - see me that way.

I wanted to be nasty. He wanted to be - I dunno. Something else.

I feel a bigger loss from that than anything right now.