What happens when something happens ...

So, I focus on something – oh, for the sake of argument, let’s say my Diet lol. I focus hard. I push. I track everything in a big old excel spreadsheet. I have good weeks when the scale moves. I have bad weeks when it doesn’t move. Both just keep me pushing…

But it’s not really the Diet itself that I’m so obsessed with. It never is. The diet is a distraction that I can pump all of my energy, attention, love, hate, anger and bitchiness into.

But that’s not the real issue.

I’ve been hypersensitive and extra bitchy the last couple weeks and today, it came to me why. I’m not going to discuss it here in any detail (while I know is unusual for me, but just trust me – it’s not a subject for public consumption at this point), but suffice it to say that I’m angry with myself about something that I let happen in my life.

I knew something was going on. I’m relatively self-aware, and even if I don’t know what’s going on, I typically know when something is. Maybe it’s a self-protection thing, where I keep it buried until I can actually deal with it. Maybe it’s that I occasionally prefer to put my head in the sand and ignore it. I wouldn’t be proud of that, but it’s entirely possible that I’ve done that. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t know something is up.

And when something is going up, sex goes to the bottom of my list.

I noticed the other day that I hadn’t been masturbating before bed, nor really at any other time that much. Three times last week. That’s very unusual for me. Very. And it’s a very good indication that there’s something going on in my life that I’m *not dealing with.

I haven’t written about sex. I haven’t written any sex for a couple of weeks. I haven’t been talking about sex. I haven’t been having sex.

For me, that signifies a pretty big issue.

I’m not sure how I’m going to go about getting through this issue, but I’m sure by the end of the weekend, it’ll come to me, and I’ll heal it.

Then hopefully I’ll get back to the things I really want to do.
Which is not what I’m doing now.
Or, rather
Is what I’m NOT doing now