Spoiled

I call myself a princess sometimes. I like the fact that I reclaimed that nickname from an old relationship that was abusive and where the nickname was used in a derogatory, sarcastic manner.

I own it now. And hearing it at certain times gives me a very ‘special’ reaction, if you know what I mean /wink

I’m not a princess though, and I’m far from being spoiled. At the very beginning of the relationship, I felt very spoiled by M, but the fact was (and I later realized) that it wasn’t so much spoiling me, as it was ‘buying’ me, and covering for basic human inadequacies. Money became his substitute for love. In the end, it didn’t buy him anything but a kiss-off in his kitchen when he pushed me too far.

I am used to being the one who does the spoiling. There have been very few men in my life who didn’t welcome that; maybe they had been the ones doing it before or maybe they just enjoyed the fact that I was willing to do it, but I think I shoot myself in the foot by doing that, and it’s done.

At least, until someone else does it first /smirk

(as an aside, it’s storming like crazy here, so I have one eye on the laptop, one on the back door, and I’m keeping my toes crossed that the wet stuff doesn’t creep under the door again ….)

I keep saying that when I do finally get into another relationship (which would require me to actually date….), I don’t necessarily need to be treated like a princess but I certainly expect reciprocation. That’d be a shock to my system out of the last few relationships I’ve had.

(And yes, I do realize how sad that is and how much it probably sounds like whining but when has that ever stopped me from being honest before? ) /snicker

I guess maybe I have more time to think about relationship right now because I’m not concerned about having one. The focus on the diet/exercise portion of my life has taken over all of that and yes – it’s possible that maybe I’m using it as an excuse – but I want to feel the best I can feel – not be the skinniest or the prettiest – but actually Feel the Best I can Feel – before I put myself out there again.

In doing so, maybe I’ll get myself that reciprocation.

No. Not maybe. I will.

And if I don’t, he won’t last long enough to see what he has to lose.