Second Guessing

I hate second-guessing myself. Probably most of the heartache in my life has come from NOT doing that.

Then again, most of the love and happiness I’ve had in my life came from that, too.

Risk is a bitch. But if I can’t take them, I’m not going to get good – or bad – in my life.

I don’t listen to the radio very often. A lot of the crap that passes for music these days gets on my nerves and honestly there are only a few radio stations in Madison I can tolerate. Since I don’t have my 45 minute commute since I moved over here to this end of town, I almost always have a CD in the car rather than having the radio on. I’ll always turn the radio on when I get close to the Quad Cities to listen to WXLP The X (97x) – because that was once, and will likely always be my favorite station. But I find more often than not “Classic Rock” to most stations also includes some crap that wasn’t good when it was released and has not gotten better with age. (Yes, I am a picky little bitch about my music ~ deal with it).

Anyway. (I swear this is related to the original topic, just be patient)

I do occasionally listen to the music stations that come along with my digital cable. That’s how I discovered Tina Malia (Her Shores of Avalon CD is one of my Top 5 ever) several years back, and since then, I do tend to listen to it if I’m writing in the living room. The Soundscapes channel plays a lot of Celtic music which I adore.

But once in awhile, I flip around to some of the other stations, too. And one night, I landed on one (I honestly don’t remember which it was), and heard a song by a new artist named Colbie Calliat that I fell in love with. Some of the lyrics from the song, called “Realize” hit me right between the eyes….

“Take time to realize, that I am on your side. Didn’t I…Didn’t I tell you? But I can’t spell it out for you…no, it’s never going to be that simple …”

So why did that hit me so hard, when I just got down talking about risk and second-guessing myself and how much I abhor those two things?

Because I do them now. And I don’t think I even realized I was doing it.

“Take time to realize, this all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you…But I can't spell it out for you….no, its never gonna be that simple….”

Over the last four years, since my marriage crumbled and I struck out on my own again to forge a new and better and stronger and more independent and happier life, I have done this twice that I recognize. I have held back when perhaps I shouldn’t have. I have stopped far too often to think when perhaps what was called for was me letting loose.

But even now, I’m not completely sorry I did it.

One, I know would have ended in heartache for me. The other is likely to have come to the same conclusion. And both could have easily tossed me off my track to the happier life I’m after. Maybe... maybe not ....

But in the end, would either have been worth the risk?

Maybe.

But it’s too late to second – or third – guess it. What’s done is done. And I’m all right with the decisions I made.

Colbie just reminds me that sometimes – occasionally – once in awhile – it’s all right to not spell it all out. Sometimes, it’s better to keep your cards close to your vest, and wait to see how things unfold in front of you.

Sometimes, it’s all right for *me to be the one with poker face. I’ve earned that.

It's not up to me to make it easier for someone else all the time -- or simple, as the song says. Everyone has their own demons to fight - either someone realizes that it's a demon worth fighting, or it's not. And I'm not doing all that fighting on my own anymore.

I don’t have time to fight all of the demons.
And I don't have time to regret.