Not so secret life

I went ahead and got Season 2 of Secret Diary of the Call Girl from Netflix this weekend. I wasn't sure how I felt about the first season, but the second season has really good so far.

I feel a little more endeared to Belle this season, and when her new boyfriend (played adorably by Callum Blue who was also in the Tudors) found out about her ... job.... I held my breath while he read her the riot act.

Most HBO and Showtime series...which I love ... contain some element of sexual activity.  I like that. Not for purely voyeuristic reasons, mind you, but because they can do it.

Back to the series.  I won't ruin it for anyone who may actually see it at some point (I do recommend both seasons), but it did not end the way I expected it to, which is always a bonus.

"In escorting, as in life, you don't always get the ending you expect, but it helps if you write your own story."

I don't think I could do what Belle does. But I can enjoy watching her do it, and enjoy it.

I'm happy to know there's going to be a season 3.

Thinking again

I've been thinking a lot about dominance and submission lately.

Not necessarily the flogging/cropping/clamping end of the spectrum, but more the mid-range bondage and dominance end of things.

Part of me misses that aspect of my life.  A lot.  And part of me is not sure if I really miss it, or if I miss the idea of it.

Last time I was at the bookstore, I picked up a copy of "Yes, Sir", an anthology of female submissive stories.  I haven't bought any BDSM erotica in a long time, and I thought maybe reading some of it would fire up my imagination again.

Well, it's definitely fired something up ....

Just in time for the hitachi to breathe it's last breath.  Oh well.  Good thing I have other toys...

Anyway.

I do miss certain aspects of having a full time dominant.  I've lamented these a few times in other blog posts.  I miss having someone to be accountable to.   Over the last several years I've become increasingly independent, which has it's good points and it's bad points -- one of the bad being that if I feel I can get away with something I am certainly going to try to, if it's in my best interests. (Oh, and no, run on sentences are not in my best interests, I'm just too tired to re-arrange that.  Sorry.)


I also find myself missing some of the intensity that goes along with a d/s relationship.  The eye contact is brutal sometimes... hard...challenging.  I miss that challenge.  The racing heartbeat.  The difficult decisions.  The doing things that are too hard to do.

I question if I will be able to find that level of intensity in a regular relationship that has no aspects of d/s in it.  I don't mean that I want a full blown full time thing.  But it'd be nice to be able to have some aspects of it peeking around corners at me when I least expected it.

Without that?  I'm not sure how long I'd be happy.

I mean, I can't know for sure, because it's been many years since I've tried a fully vanilla relationship.  Years.  Lots of years.  But I know myself better than I ever have in my life, and I know that without at least a bit of 'do it because I said so' in my sex life, I'm likely not going to be satisfied long term.

I need that 'downhill on a roller coaster' feeling in my stomach sometimes.  I need that 'show of force'.

Except when I don't.

/grin

Just go with it

I got my hair cut recently.

I went back to my original stylist after trying another one here in town. 

I got seriously bored with the long blonde straight thing, so I went in with a picture and after a long discussion with her, we picked an avenue to traverse.  She took about 3 inches off the back and gave me some shorter layers on the sides and top.  I was thrilled with the way she had it styled, and while I've yet to be able to duplicate it, I'm still pretty happy with it.  Today, I put 4 haphazard small braids in it, and left the rest of it go while it was wet.  It looks very wild and free -- just the way I like it.

Hair is an accessory.  For me, it's a big part of my identity, and when my hair looks good - is soft and loose - it makes me feel incredibly sexy.  I've spent the last couple of years straightening the hell out of it, and I still do, to some extent, but not so extreme.  I'm trying to let it dry curly and embrace my natural curls instead of fighting them.  They're part of my nature, and if I can get them to look good, it'll make me feel good.

I have trouble with my hair when I travel.  The minute it got wet in Virginia Beach, it was all over and I barely touched it the rest of my trip.  It always seems to look better at home, but maybe that's because I am more focused on it here.

I'm trying to just go with it.

I find myself fighting my nature far too often lately, which tells me that I'm doing things for other people and not enough for myself.  I've done that for most of my life, and along with the other changes it's something I need to stop doing. 

It is my life after all.

Priorities

You know, for a lot of years, I thought an orgasm was an orgasm was an orgasm.  I think everyone does, until they start to experience the differences, or at least, stop rushing through to the finish line and *feel the differences.

As it turns out, for several years now, I've had a few major kinds of orgasms.  G-Spot, clitoral, and vaginal. (which may or may not be a combination of the two)

I wasn't sure until recently I knew what a g-spot orgasm felt like, but I can definitely tell the difference now.  I have the capacity to have several vaginal/clitoral orgasms in a row, but one or two g-spot ones will take my breath away.

I have experienced the g-spot variety during actual intercourse once or twice, but it's a tough angle to achieve unless you're really trying for it.  The best way I've found to have one of these with a partner is with his hands.

Now, look.  You know I love sex.  Oral, anal, vaginal.

But there is something about having a man's hand in my cunt...fingers inside, fingers on my clit, fingers grazing my ass even...that's feels sometimes even more up close and personal than a man's cock inside me.  It's a different kind of intimacy. As with other kinds of foreplay, I can typically be more alert during activities like this. I have a tendency to get totally lost once actual intercourse starts.  That's why I tend to enjoy dragging out that foreplay as long as possible.  It leads to deeper connections, which makes the actual sex take me even deeper.    like deeper.  In all ways *smirk.

Typically at home, I satisfy myself with clitoral orgasms at home.  In recent months, I've not been 'playing' as much.  Usually I just get the trusty old Hitachi out when I go to bed, cum once, and go to sleep.  But I've realized recently that it's becoming one of those things for me that's a habit.  And it's yet another one I need to break out of.

I have new toys.  And I have my very fun little Rabbit that I bough several months ago.  It's time to start playing again.  I don't think I shut my sexuality off, but I definitely put it down further on my priority list than it deserved to be.

A girl's gotta have the right priorities.  Right?

Shoulders

In continuing with my theme today: skimpily dressed at home, I decided to stare at the mirror (something I am *not* used to doing) and find some things about myself that I like.

Beyond my eyes and lips and long legs, which are long standing favorites of mine, I'm not able to add a few more.

I like my shoulders.  My collarbones are exposed but not to an extreme amount. My neck is long and thin, and if I sit up straight, it's almost elegant. 

I need more halter tops to show those things off *grin

I don't know that I will ever be 100% comfortable with my body, but if I can find new things about it that I like, I'm more likely to be able to keep this "I'm fucking gorgeous and if you don't agree, you don't know shit." attitude I am working on.  And I can get back to being a sexual being instead of this person I've been for the last year, who was afraid of herself and ashamed of how she looked.

She's gone.  Or at least, she has one foot out the door.

All she needs is a push.

New playthings

 So, while I was down south on vacation, I spent a few days with a friend. 

He took me to an Adam And Eve store at my request. My rabbit and a few other of my toys came from their online store, and since they're based in that area, I thought it might be fun to go cruise through.

It was.

And you know, toy shopping with another person is always more fun *grin.

I've often wondered what a glass toy might be like. I have looked at them for several years, but I've never bought one. They happened to have a few in the store, and I picked out the one pictured above.

I haven't tried it yet.. Things have been a little off with me since I got home, and my poor Hitachi is dying (Hey, it's over ten years old, I've gotten my 30 bucks out of it, trust me).  It's entirely possible I'm going to try it out tonight while I watch the last scene or two from Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex, that I purchased several months ago, watched part of, and forgot to take on vacation with me, where I could have shared it with my toy shopping friend.

I also bought myself a new pocket rocket, that might just work along side the glass toy *grin

It remains to be seen if I'll actually play with them tonight, or save them for a more special occasion.  But it gives me a secret grin to know that my two toys (along with a new 'outfit') are upstairs, waiting for me.

Sexy has nothing to do with skinny

Today when I finally got around to getting dressed, I opened up my closet and looked for something ... different.  Typically when I'm sitting around the house and not planning to go out, I'll throw on a TShirt and shorts or sweats or my yoga pants and call it a day.  Sometimes, I'll put on a bra.  Sometimes not.  Today, I grabbed a black camisole/tank with a built in bra. Not something I would normally wear at home or not - without something over it.

I resisted putting something over it.

Then I came back downstairs and continued what I'd been doing (Warcraft, what else?). 

I keep a mirror on my side-desk for use when I'm straightening my hair.  I caught a glimpse of myself in it several times while I played and I have to say, my reaction to the reflection was not as dismal as it might have been a few weeks ago.

I spent last weekend in Virginia Beach with friends.  I made a conscious decision while packing for that trip that I was done hiding.  I am not ashamed of my weight loss.  On the contrary, I'm very proud of it.  And while I'm not 100% happy with the downside of that weightloss, I'm trying very hard to come to terms with it, and realize that I am not a complete mutant and that when I feel good, I can look pretty fucking hot.

I've tried to keep that feeling alive since then.  It wasn't easy, baring my arms, and even legs (my god, I wore shorts in public wth! lol).  But I did it, and once I was out there, I pretty much forgot that I was wearing much less than I normally do.

Earlier today, when I caught those glimpses in the mirror, my hair was loose and on my shoulders, and I had my headphones around my neck (they looked almost like a choker).  I wasn't looking at the skin on my arms.  I wasn't looking at stretch marks.  I was looking at a woman who was comfortable in her skin and looked mighty fine at it.

I've done a bunch of reading lately about body image after extreme weight loss, and trying to follow through with some of the suggestions they offer. 

I'm getting there.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to try to dress a little more like a sexpot and a little less like someone who's ashamed of their body. 

Because I'm not.

You don't have to be skinny to be sexy.  You just have to feel sexy.

Gorgeous

I believe that every woman - and even some men - should have at least one thing in their closet that makes them feel absolutely drop dead abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous.

I have one.  I have the night shirt to the right (except mine is red, of course). When I put it on, I feel fucking sexy as hell and I can look at myself in the mirror and not cringe at imperfections.  My legs look fabulous, my body looks amazing and it makes me cocky as hell.

What a shame I only get it out once or twice a year. 

I typically only wear it when I know it's going to be seen by someone else.  I really should remedy that.  FoH is actually having a sale on them.  Maybe I should pick a few more up *smirk

It's like those special panties I only get out when I know they'll be put to good use. 

I used to keep my panties separated in two drawers: Those I wear on a daily basis, and those special ones I was saving.  Saving for what, I wondered today when I was looking through them.  I bought them because I loved them.  Why not wear them?

I'm not separating them anymore.  And I actually threw out several pair that I kept around that are probably well past their expiration date (Yes, clothes do have an expiration date.)

Life's too short to not wear the cute panties - the sexy night shirt - the sexy silky camisole under a blouse to work - the skimpy little chemises to bed. 

Life is too short to not feel drop dead gorgeous every minute of every day.

That's my new goal. 

The Real L Word

I heard about this series when it was still in production, and I got excited about it.  I was such a huge fan of The L Word, and the same producers are handling this series.

The Real L Word is about a group of real lesbians in LA.  I've seen the first episode, and enjoyed it very much.

One particular line from the first episode hit me hard enough to write it down:

"Lust is easy for me.  Love is hard."

That's sorta true for me.  Except that lust isn't always easy, either.

I don't typically lust easily.  Oh, I did when I was younger.  But the last several years it's taken more than a nice ass and sexy eyes to get me excited about getting naked with someone.  I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, either.  It has bothered me some over the last couple of years, especially when I've been longing for some real male attention.  I do sometimes wish I could skip that part.  Would make things easier.  Maybe.

But love? Yes.  Love is hard.

That didn't used to be hard either.  I used to fall in love relatively easily.  And once I had, I put 110% into making a relationship work. 

Now, I question if I can still do that.  Or if I want to do that.  Or even if I should do that.

I'd like to have that. But I don't seem to be putting much effort into finding it.  Or letting it find me.


"Lust is easy for me.  Love is hard."

"Nothing in life worth having is easy."


Lust is definitely worth having.

Decisions, Decisions

So, I almost killed this blog today.  There's so much baggage and so many old posts about things that have no bearing in my life anymore than I really struggled with this decision.

But I think maybe I'll just start writing again.  I know it's been awhile.  I have not been able to wrap my head around it in recent months, but for the last few weeks, I have been really wanting to, so on this long holiday weekend, where I didn't make any plans, it's a good a time as any.

I have a few topics that I want to write about.  So let's get started.

How many?

The clitoris has the most nerve endings of any body part in the male or female. 8,000, give or take a few.

The head of the penis?  Only 4,000.

/smirk

It's good to be the girl ~

Put down the breakfast cereal...

...and back away slowly.

 

Did you know that Kellogg's Corn Flakes  were originally created to prevent masturbation?

I was never a fan of those dry, tasteless things.  Now I know why.

Back to research!

It's been a bit.  I have been working too much and being utterly and completely .... quiet when I haven't been working.  Tired, I guess. This year has been a bit tiring...

But I'm back :) 

Last night, I finally got around to watching American Swing, a movie about Plato's Retreat in New York City in the 70's and early 80's.  This was an interesting, and often funny look into the swing culture of the 1970's.  I've often said I was born 10 years too late to get to really enjoy any of that free love shit, and was coming of age sexually (mentally coming of age, ready to explore) around the time that AIDS was just coming out.  Unfortunately, that devoured society's ability to accept anything remotely outwardly sexual.

Swinging is still around today.  M decided at one point that he'd always harbored an interest in it, so we found a club and attended a few parties in San Jose.  While I found it interesting and in some cases, fun,  there was a part of me that was never comfortable in that relationship and thus not really comfortable with inviting the open relationship quandary into it. 

In any case, the closing of one NYC club certainly didn't cause the end of the lifestyle.  It still exists, and even celebrated.  I've often read that it gave birth to a "safer" swinging lifestyle, polyamory.  But I wouldn't say that to a polyamorist /wink.

The idea, and ideals, of open sexuality are still very appealing to me.  Probably always will be.  But there's a difference between a single woman walking into a swing party...and a secure couple.  And frankly, I'm pretty sure that unless I am part of the latter, it's not going to be something I'd consider exploring.

Anyway, tonight, we proceed!  The Nature of Sex is a five part Discovery Channel series about...well, duh.

I've just started it, so I can't give you any more information! But we'll see how it is.

Sadness

A week ago Monday, one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly.  Not only had she and I been close for 25 years, but I am the godmother of her two oldest sons and she is the closest thing I have ever had to a sister (including my biological one).

The news of this took awhile to sink in, but once it did, I was devastated.

So, no.  I've not really been in the mood to write much.  I am feeling better but this is not something you just get over. 

Over the years, I've lost three close friends.  One to breast cancer, one to leukemia, and now this one -- they think to an aneurysm.  I haven't heard the final autopsy results yet.  It is never easy, and it is always devastating and it makes you stop -- quickly -- and reconsider your life as it is right now.

There are things that need to happen in my life.

I need to find a way to accept my body the way it is right now -- today -- and stop 'waiting' for when it's 'perfect', which logically I know will never happen.

I need to start taking better care of myself in more ways than just counting calories.

I need to stopping waiting for....everything and anything.

We all need to do these things.

But I need to do them -- now.

And for now, I need to get back to normal, more or less.
Normal, but better.