Where does your widsom come from?

Apparently, mine these days comes from series on HBO and Showtime.

I started Californication Season 1 last night. I've been getting all of the series from those two channels and trying them on for size this year from Netflix. I wasn't sure I was going to like this one, but as it turns out, I really really do. First off, the main character is a writer (instant hit) that can't write (two points). He ends up blogging, instead of working on a new novel (score).

The writing is crisp and clear and I find myself laughing and smiling a lot through the episodes. I watched the entire first disk (of two) for season one last night, and after I was little Miss Productive around here today, I fired up disk 2.

The guy -- Hank -- really wants his ex back (I cannot relate to this lol. There isn't one of my ex's I'd take back. But I can relate to how he feels about her), and during a conversation with his precocious 12 year old daughter Becca, he tells her "No, we don't have to be realistic when it comes to love"

I wrote that down.

I am one of the most logical people I know. That's why I'm good at my job. I can talk myself in or out of almost anything (this comes in handy for those "knowing it's not good for you" moments) using reason and logic and making little pro-con lists in my head. Yes, it's a little (ok a lot) Type A, but it works for me, and in most areas of my life, it's proven itself repeatedly.

The one area of my life that this does Not work in is my love life (or lack thereof, as further proof of this). I can strangle my emotions in almost every area of my life but that one, though I have tried to repeatedly for the last many years. Even when I try and succeed in this, I end up feeling worse than if I had failed. I'm not someone who can rationalize their way out of those kinds of emotions and I find myself envious of people who can.

But should I be?

I'm not convinced that love should be treated in a logical fashion. Well, let's not even say love. Let's say dating, or intimate relationships. Now, while I realize that there are certain inherent truths to each person, and what they will and will not be able to get past in these relationships (for instance, I know for certain that I could not be comfortable or see a long term happy ending with someone who was deeply religious.), but I also realize that "sweating the small stuff" when you're dealing with the emotions associated with this stuff makes for long lonely nights and empty bed syndrome.

Case in point: I have an ad on OKCupid. I don't check it very often, and I don't run the searches but I do go look at my inbox occasionally and see if there's anything of interest in there. I get maybe 10-15 emails a month, mostly from people I could not possibly see myself dating. Our interests are too different or our ages are too different or he's shorter than I am or considerably less stable than I want to deal with or ... or ...

I have a lengthy list. Let's just say that clearly. And logically, I understand that I have a right to that list. I've earned it. In the past, I have fallen into relationships that clearly I shouldn't have fallen into and I have paid the price for that. My 'pickyness' now is born from the ashes of a pile of broken hearts set afire by the last match of a pack still damp with tears. And much (here comes another quote) as Hank's ex said in a later episode of this show, "I question everything; it's very healthy".

But maybe we're not supposed to do that. I mean, obviously, not questioning and falling in without care or forethought has not served me well in the past, but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. And the harder we fight -- emotion vs. logic -- the more mired into angst we become.

Clearly, love is not an emotion you can completely explain with logic. But just as clearly, it can't be completely absent from our choices, either.

I finished Californication tonight. I hadn't expected to, but once the 2nd disk was in, I just couldn't stop. The series so far is full of pithy quotes and bits of humor-filled wisdom. I went immediately to Netflix and tossed the next 2 seasons into my queue.

If, as the series says, "Everyone is the star of their own romantic comedy", undoubtedly, mine need a re-write. And maybe a spell-check.