Clutter

I wish, sometimes, that I were more the kind of person who didn't think all the time. Frankly, I would give good money for a couple hours/days/weeks of pure brain-dead time so that I didn't have to.

If I weren't thinking all the time, and could clear my mind like a normal person, I'd be able to write more. And I'd be able to take a chainsaw to the trees so I could see this fucking forest everyone is always yammering on about.

But I do think a lot.

And tonight, I was lambasting myself for two typical Jillisms:

• Knowing what I want is bad for me, but wanting it anyway.
• Not being able to ask for help.

These are two very distinct things, but as it happens often around here, they cross paths occasionally.

I have grown so independent over the last five years (Can you believe it's been five years since I left whats-his-name and moved to Wisconsin? Yea, me either, but it has. When it comes to something I need help or advice or guidance on, I struggle. Oh...not at work. If I have a work issue that I've spent a considerable amount of time on and still can't figure out, I will take it directly to my boss. No problem there. But anything outside of work, I can't seem to do that with. Take gaming, for example. There are things I'd like to do in game that require assistance from other people. Will I ask for it? Very rarely. Most of the time, I'll either try and do it myself or I'll wait until someone else needs the same thing.

I honestly can't remember if I have always been this way or not. I've tried to remember, and for some reason, I just can't place an example. I'm guessing I have been, to some extent, because for me, being a submissive worked well in that because asking for help was almost a requirement of that -- voicing needs, asking for what I wanted...these things were mandatory in my d/s relationships.

(On a side note, it just started storming like the devil here and my power blipped, so I went and grabbed a candle to light it, just in case. I don't know why I'm always saving candles instead of burning them all the time. Not only do them smell fantastic, but the lighting is wonderful)

I wish I were better at it. Honestly, I have some wonderful friends and I know that anything I needed or wanted from most of them I would get just for asking. But I have to be pretty damn desperate to even hint at asking. I don't like that about myself. I don't see that as independent. I see that as stubborn and proud and ... yes, probably scared. That's right. Scared. If you don't ask for something, you can't hear "No". I'm a risk taker in many parts of my life. But for some reason, that's a leap that's very hard to take for me.

And as for knowing what I want and knowing it's bad for me, but still wanting it? To some extent, that's human nature, but to blatantly ignore that gut reaction -- to perhaps not act but to definitely still desire something strongly enough to have the urge to go after it -- is irritating to me. I'm a smart girl. I know better. And yet, I still want it. Smoking is but one example of that. I could list several.

You could say, at this point in my life, that I spend far too much time analyzing my particular quirks and not nearly enough time just being who I am and reveling in that. You could say it, and you'd be 100% accurate in saying it. Again, I know it. But I still do it anyway...

It's funny how much space frees up in your head for bullshit like this when you don't have other things cluttering it up. I'm happy the clutter is gone, but this needs to hit the dust pan too.

This should have been margarita night. Maybe it still will be :)

When I think about how much of a happier person I am now than I was 5 years ago, none of this really seems to matter all that much.

Maybe Banky was right. Maybe all I really need is some serious deep dickin'. (Chasing Amy

, people. If you aren't familiar, see it. Awesome flick.)