Lots of time to think the last 24 hours – cleaning takes no brainpower, neither does watching “Friends” or “Married with Children”. Lots of time to think.

Here’s my conclusion: C’s here, but he’s not here. His mind – from what I can tell – and it may just be subconsciously – is still on the boat. He’s quall-ing for his dolphins. He’s in school this week. He’s learning so much new stuff that even when he’s here, he ain’t.

The problem, then, lies in my expectations. When he’s home, I expect he’ll BE home. Obviously, that’s not working out so well.

Expectations are hard to adjust. I’m working on that, but it’s a difficult thing to do.

Honestly, to my best, I try to be as supportive as I can. When something needs to be done, I just *do it. When we’re low on cigarettes, when his beer is gone, when the laundry needs done, I just do it. I don’t carry on about it (I don’t think) and I don’t demand thanks for it (I don’t think) – I just figure that doing that stuff is doing my part in supporting how hard he’s working. And I do okay with that most times. It feels good to be there for him and to handle the minutia. I guess maybe – and this is me thinking on paper – that my mind hits a “full” point with that, and demands some direct attention from him before I can “empty” and start doing it all over again.

Writing that, it sounds feeble and childish, and I’m pissed off about that, but I’m not going to erase it.

Expressing my needs is not something I do easily. I don’t know if it was the way I was raised, or a fear of being judged “too needy” that keeps me from being able to do this easily, but I was almost petrified to do this until I moved in with C the first time. He broke through some of that. My relationship after “the first time with C” was with another man who – sadly – did reject my needs often for his own. The harder he pushed his, the more whiny I got about mine until finally it destroyed my feelings for him (and his for me I assume) all together. So, back with C again, I try to remember that it’s safe for me to do that with him. Problem is, right now, it’s *not really safe *right now*. There isn’t a hell of a lot of room in his life for my needs – he’s focused on his own with the Navy – as it should be. But fact is, that suppression causes problems. They may not come out often, and they may not come out the way I’d like them to, but they sure as hell *do come out. There’s gotta be a better way to handle this than the way I am handling it. I’ve just got to put some thought into what that is.