Don't Worry -- I'm still here. Had the weekend off with C and spent time mostly away from the computer. I'll be back with a big ol' mouthful of words after I finish my chores around here!

So. Is this ds stuff all about sex?

Yes and no. How’s that? For me, (emphasizing the ME part), ds is the relationship in which other things can come from and be sexual.

For instance: Bondage. I love bondage. C used to, but I think he’s either bored with it, or it doesn’t hold his attention anymore, or he’s simply too lazy (which is not me slamming him – he says it, too) to do it anymore. Bondage is a separate experience, for me, from ds, but it’s because we have the ds and the trust that it builds, that I can allow myself to get tied up in the first place. I don’t consider anything he asks me or tells me to do while I’m bound to be submission – at that point, I don’t really have a choice, do I? When I submit, I make a conscious choice to submit. I guess you could say that I submit to being tied up, but hell – when I want it, anyway, I don’t consider it such. Is bondage sexual for me? It can be, yes. It isn’t always, but it certainly can be, and it surely adds a level of intensity to a sexual experience. I want to talk more about bondage later, but we’re specifically talking about sex right now, so I’ll save it.

For Instance: Spanking. As you’ve read over the past few days, this is a hot topic around our house. C was surprised about how ready I was for sex after our little spanking escapade the other night. I don’t think that that was from the spanking itself, but from the active domination on his part during the spanking. I could be wrong about that. But that’s my story right now and I’m sticking to it.

For Instance: Active Domination. Okay, I guess I better start by explaining that term, eh?. C and I have a ds relationship. But most of the time, for us , that doesn’t involve any “me tarzan, you fix dinner” kinda stuff. It’s more about service, not about instruction or orders. Example: yesterday, while he was gone, knowing he had duty today, I washed his camo and hung it all up together, with everything else he’d need to put on this morning. He didn’t ask me to do it – hell, it wasn’t even in the laundry basket, but I knew he had duty today and that he’d want it cleaned and ready to go. I call that pro-active. I don’t wait to be told that something needs to be done – I just do it, if I see it. There are other things that come up under service: he’ll ask me to look something up online or pick up his stuff from the dry cleaners. But that’s, for me, all about being a service submissive. Active domination, however, is something he doesn’t do often – but when he does, it becomes very sexual for me. That doesn’t mean we’re going to have sex, but it’s a sexual turn-on for me. Active domination provokes a very immediate, very specific response – which is total and complete submission without question. Grabbing me by the hair, a light slap to the face, certain words strung together in a sentence which is growled rather than spoken. These things – for me – are shows of active dominance. And these things – for me – are very sexual.

In all three of the above instances (and there are many more, but I don’t want to spend all afternoon explaining this) – Bondage, Spanking and Active Dominance – are sexual in nature, but wouldn’t be nearly as intense or even possible without the basis of our ds relationship.

I own an email list called StrictlyDs that is a discussion list for folks involved in ds relationships. My friend S. and I started the list over three years ago in hopes of filling a gap in the discussions that we had found, which tended to mix up ds and SM all into one topic. The list has had anywhere from 200 – 1000 people on it at any given time, but now hovers around the 500 member mark mostly. We have more lurkers than participants, but it works out well for us.

The most interesting topics come up on that list. (we also have a sister list - StrictlySM to discuss SM issues).

Recently, we’ve been discussing how love can impact or enhance a ds relationship. This kind of hit home for me, and when discussing it on the list, I used the spanking incident as an example. Spanking is something C. likes. He’s very careful (sometimes too careful? I dunno.) to make sure I’m not going to have any weird-ass emotional issues with something he wants to do. I attribute that to the fact that he loves me. If he didn’t – if we were just play partners, I don’t think he’d worry so much about what I liked or didn’t like. Some folks’ said basically the same thing about their relationships. Other folks’ said that their dominant partner felt freer to explore strange things, because of the trust involved in the relationship. I see that going both ways. Sometimes, I’m grateful that C. is as careful as he is when it comes to stuff like that, and other times, I wish he trusted me more to not freak out when he wanted to do something that was different than what we’ve done before. Hell, I like surprises, too .

The other question I was left with yesterday was this: How would I feel about C getting a hard-on while he was punishing me and making me cry?

There are actually two separate issues there. Getting excited during a punishment, and getting excited from making me cry.

I’ve given this some thought since yesterday, as I’m prone to do. And what I’ve come up with is “I won’t know until it happens.” It’s an obscure thought right now – a position I can’t put myself in, because I have no prior experience with anything like this. Sometimes, I can at least put myself partially in the position of a future experience, but in this case, I can’t seem to get there. So I’ll leave this one here, and wait to dissect it until it actually happens – if it does.

…

This is one of the question I was left with yesterday when I signed off: Would he or I enjoy it just as much if he just spanked me, without the added humor and dialogue?

And as I said yesterday, I can’t answer for him, but I can answer for me.

I can personally think of quite a few scenarios that wouldn’t involve humor per se, that I would enjoy this in. But I’m not sure how I’d react to it without any dialogue. I guess we could try that, if C wants to, but I’m not sure it would have the same impact for us as it does with us talking during the act. I’m not sure if C would need to have a “scenario” to work with, or if he’d like spanking me just as much without any pretense – just doing it because he can and he wants to.

…

You might have noticed yesterday that I didn’t mention war coverage or protestors or CNN once. That’s because I haven’t been watching as much of it. First, I’ve had other things to do, but more importantly, my mind needs a break from the constant barrage of images. I’m still angry about the continued protests, be sure.

…
My other open question from yesterday will be answered in a little while.

First, before I get to that other issue – I want to say this.

I linked this page from my home page today. I hesitated to do that, but I figured it was time.

Look, here’s the deal. There are no d/s experts. You can be an expert on bondage or using a cane or using fire in play. But there is no one out there who can critique the d/s-ness of your relationship. There are books, websites, and mailing lists. You can discuss and dissect to your heart’s content. But the fact is that your relationship is unique. D/s is not a finite thing like a paddle or flogger. The d/s community agrees on very little, except that they wish to call their relationships or desires “d/s”. If someone tells you that your relationship is not d/s, and you think it is – tell them politely that their opinion is their opinion, but you do not agree. No sense getting into an argument, you probably won’t change their mind.

I’ve been doing this for about 9 years. I’ve got a ton of essays that I’ve written, in addition to stories and poems, some of which can be found on my website. I believed wholly in each of them, as I wrote them. But the funny thing about life is – things change. What I may have believed about d/s 5 years ago, I may not believe now. People evolve and change.

With that out of my system…

C. and I, in the process of discussing my spanking issues some time ago, came across a desire of his (and mine, I think) that we hadn’t discussed before.

He wants to make me cry. In his own search for his desires, he’s discovered that he’d like to spank/paddle me to tears – that it would be erotic for him to do so.

Now, combine that with the punishment vs. play punishment issue, and you have a quagmire.

If he makes me cry during a punishment scene, will it have the same effect on him as it would during a play punishment scene? Well, that’s his issue – not mine. I imagine at some point, he’ll come up with an answer for that. I hope so, because I’m innately curious. I have a couple ideas, but I won’t say anything until he comes up with it on his own.

My concern is: am I going to be able to do that – and, providing I can – how is it going to make me feel? I haven’t cried during a scene for years. And I’ve never cried during a punishment – only afterwards. And, if I can do it, how is it going to effect me emotionally?

What I hope is that it would allow me to cut loose on some stuff that I have a tendency to allow to build up over time. I think it would make for a very intimate scene, to allow a vulnerability out of me that C. doesn’t see very often.
And I’m also wondering – for me – if crying during play punishment would be different than crying during real punishment. I’m thinking – for myself (as always) – that during real punishment, the tears would come hard and fast, but not necessarily from the pain – but from me feeling bad for having upset or disappointed C. During play punishment, the tears would come from the pain.

This is some very intricate stuff. And yes, maybe I (we) do over-think some of it. But I think C and I know each other well enough to know that we’re better off if we head off stepping on those emotional land mines, rather than running headlong into a field full of them, hoping we miss them all.

So, with all that said, the only question that remains is this: How would I feel about C getting a hard-on while he was punishing me and making me cry? During a play punishment – which – for us – almost always leads to sex, anyway – it’d be fine-n-dandy. But during a real punishment? When I had either disappointed him, or disappointed myself?

I don’t have an answer to that.

There are two other issues that go along with this whole punishment/spanking discussion, neither of which I’ve really touched on yet. Let me do that now, at least in a general sense.

First of all, my husband has a very offbeat sense of humor. So do I. That’s why we get along so well. During our time together Saturday night, whilst he was trying out his new toy, he was using his funny voices and scolding me for things that were just – weird. I was laughing – he’d use a funny voice to tell me to STOP laughing, which would make me laugh harder, so then he’d hit me harder. Vicious little cycle. Hell of a lot of fun.

I guess that’s what you’d call play punishment. Another “huge freakin’ deal” with some of the d/s community.

“oooo…you can’t do that. That’s not d/s. That’s role playing. You must not be a real submissive!” speaks some of the community.

“Bite me.” Speaks me, to them.

You know what, I don’t know why C. likes to do it that way. And frankly, I don’t think it matters all that much. He enjoys it, which is the whole point, right? Do I care if he does it so he has an mostly-made-up excuse to blister my ass? No. Would he or I enjoy it just as much if he just spanked me, without the added humor and dialogue? I can’t answer for him. Shit, I can’t answer for me, either. Another thing to think about. I’ll come back to that.

But my point was – it’s just another one of those fucked up things that “The Community” (I have a certain amount of disdain for that – more on that at another time) points it finger at you, if you do it, and says “That’s not d/s!” Feh. There are a ton of those things. And the older I get, the less patience I have for the people who spew them.

Don’t even get me started on SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual)…

Okay – rant done. I did have a point in there, though. Ha, ha. There is play punishment (for us) and there is real punishment (for us) and provided we keep them separated by either tones of voice or implements used, there is no need for any confusion.

Okay, that’s one of the issues. More on the other one in a bit.

You know, it's weird. After reading back over this punishment stuff, I find myself laughing at the fact that it's taken us nine years (okay, we had a four year break in the middle of it) to get to the point that we can hammer this kind of stuff out. Maybe it's because we're both much more introspective than we used to - or maybe we both just know ourselves and each other better now.

Continuing yesterdays punishment thread…

I talked with C. about this on the way home from the base last night. He agrees with me that punishment and play should be separated with a pretty thick line. What came out of sharing my thoughts with him, however, is a whole lot more to think about, some of which we discussed during the half hour drive home:

Firstly, there are three scenarios that could exist where punishment might be appropriate. 1) We both agree that I’ve done something wrong, 2) He believes I’ve done something wrong, but I’m not sure I agree and 3) I feel like I’ve done something wrong, but he’s not convinced it was a punishable offense.

Numbers 1 and 2 are pretty easy to identify and resolve. It’s the third that seems to be a slight sticking point currently.

Going along the lines of what I said yesterday – punishment can alleviate guilt – and also – my occasional bouts of “babbling around a point without being able to make one” – it could get tricky to be able to explain to him that first off – I did something wrong (C’s favorite words to hear from me are “I was wrong” because he doesn’t hear them very often!) – and to actually ask him – or tell him I need – to be punished. That’s going to be a difficult obstacle for me to overcome, but since this whole damn thing was my idea, I guess I have to.

On a funnier note, we were both trying to come up with examples for all three situations and couldn’t, so it’s obvious that I never do anything wrong! HA!

More on related subjects after I pack up some candle orders.

The title of this blogger is "Words". Words are very important to me. I'm a writer. I'm a voracious reader. I'm a mouthy bitch (gee, have I said that before? lol). A person's actions tell you a great deal about them, but it's their words, and the way they use them, and their inflection that give me the best feelings for how they believe. I know, that's opposite of most people, but again, I'm a Word whore.

Sometimes, I have difficulty putting my emotions into the correct words, so that they convey the meaning I want them to - the way I really feel about something. I see emotions in colors sometimes - and sometimes the shades do not have words that fit. I guess other people do that, too, but I have a hard time cutting them any slack for it - HA - course, I don't cut myself any slack for it, either.

There are words that, when said in the proper context and proper inflection, have a significant impact on me. Someone on the street calls me a slut, I'll poke their eye out, but if C does it, it's a term of endearment *Chuckle*. If my boss calls me a "good girl" I want to punch him, but when C. does it, it evokes a feeling of pride that's dark purple in color and I can't find words for it. That kind of stuff fascinates me. The power of words.

Speaking of which, I guess I'm fulfilling that "write every day" thing - at least so far. Progress, however slight, is progress nonetheless.

In my last post, I said this . Now, in spite of all that (or maybe because of it), I have to cop to the fact that I rather enjoyed the spanking I got Saturday night

While I was finishing up the candles, and cleaning up after the babies (our cats, Star and Sophia), I was thinking a little more about this.

There are actually several possibilities as to why I would have a different reaction to Saturday night’s whuppin’:
- I’m cleaning up my old dirty laundry and leaving it in the states where it belongs, or
- I simply changed my mind, or
- C. did something differently that made me “not hate it”, or
- I feel comfortable enough with C. to let go of old stigmas, finally, or
- It was light-hearted enough for me to be comfortable with it – meaning, it didn’t feel like real punishment.

I’m thinking it’s a combination of a couple of them – the last 2, and maybe some of the first one, too. Regardless, I’m feeling pretty good about the whole thing. It’s a pretty big step for me. You folks’ who don’t do – or don’t understand – d/s will probably find that amusing. Have a laugh on me :) I’m feeling generous.

Off to find some dinner…

The candles are done, although I doubt the smell of leather will be gone for quite some time. I love that smell -- in small doses -- but making 4 dozen candles at a time overwhelms me with scent.
...

I do have a tendency to over-analyze. This is not always a fault in a person - sometimes, it comes in quite handy. But I'm a big supporter of "debriefing" after a particularly interesting - intense - event. Maybe it's because I'm used to doing a lot of thinking, or maybe it's because I'm just an anal retentive girl -- or maybe it's because my brain works that way (I'm a systems analyst by trade -- lots of analyzing there – hence the name -- duh). Regardless, I think that occasionally I drive my husband to the brink of insanity with that, but it's something that I need to do. I think he does it, too, he's just not want to share it as I am. (I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am a mouthy bitch)

Yea, I'm going somewhere with that - patience, will ya?

I have always had an issue with spanking

It could have come from many different places. It could have come from prior dominant/submissive relationships. It could have come from childhood. It could come from my psyche telling me “Never be bad. Always be a good girl”. It’s a mental thing, and a physical thing, but more mental, I believe. I relate spanking to punishment and I don’t really want to be punished! I want to be good! Sometimes…..

Sometimes, I want to be punished, just to clear my slate, so to speak. No one is perfect. Everyone fucks things up sometimes. We snip at each other, or we ruin our partner’s favorite t-shirt or we break his coffee mug. We forget to defrost dinner, we forget to pick up his cigarettes, we forget to put gas in the car. There are a million opportunities in every day life to fuck up. . Most people are equipped with a “quick self-forgiveness” gene that I was not granted at birth. This is something I have worked hard over the years to grow inside myself, and I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes – it malfunctions. On those occasions, when several of these little fuck-ups happen either close together, or build up over time, and I haven’t released them, I’d love to be punished for them. My understanding of punishment in an adult relationship is that it does indeed wipe the slate clean when it’s over. All is forgiven, providing you “have learned your lesson.” I’ve always found it difficult, however, to approach my dominant (well, truly, there’s only one that I would have asked for this from and I’m married to him now, so we’ll cut to the chase) – to approach C and say “Please punish me so I can get ON with it.”. I can’t seem to make myself do that.

Now, there is another part to this whole spanking thing, too. There needs to be a dividing line between punishment and play – a specific instrument used – a posture – something. C likes to spank – aside from the punishment issue. That’s the main reason that I’ve tried to work through my issues with this – because it could be made to be a fun activity for us, rather than me having all these fucking hang-ups about it. I do not have these hang ups with other SM activities – flogging, whipping, etc – only with spanking .

So, see, I’m dealing with two entirely different issues about one activity. I would like to suggest to him (and may just do that, because he may be reading this) that we take spanking OUT of the punishment equation (should we ever use that equation – be it me asking for it, or him deciding I need it), and use something else, so that we can save spanking for play.

(I warned you, didn’t I? I analyze everything to the infinite degree)

I think – if he agrees to that – it would help a lot with me being able to work through this stupid old issue.

Now, in spite of all that (or maybe because of it), I have to cop to the fact that I rather enjoyed the spanking I got Saturday night. Not the pain of it – I’m not a masochist – but the OTK aspect and the dominant/submissive aspect. And I do think that if I got deep enough into that d/s aspect of it, that I’d even enjoy the actual feel of the spanking.

You might wonder why I’m debriefing this here, rather than to C himself. Frankly, I’m rehearsing. There’s not going to be any time this week to discuss this with him – I’m likely to get less than an hour an evening with him until Friday. I don’t want to waste that hour stammering and stuttering over this. I’d rather wait until a) he’s relaxed and I’m relaxed and b) I’ve got it all worked out in my head. That’s why I’m doing it here.

Practice makes perfect, after all.

More later, I’m sure. I’m not done with this issue yet.

It's chilly here this morning, but is supposed to be up to 70, so I can re-open the windows. I have leather scented candles to make today, so I'm glad I'll be able to open the door. They're very strong.

I have CNN on again this morning. I'm watching much less of it, but still enough that I can keep up with what's going on.

Took C to base this morning, and am back, waiting for 9:30. I talk to my dad every morning at that time on AOL-IM. After that, is when I usually start my full day - either working on soap and candles or working around the house.

I miss working. I thought three months off would be a breeze, but it really hasn't been. I have such a guilt complex about not working, even though I still have nearly half of what I made on my last contract still in the bank. I'd like to go back to work but I'm not sure I want to program anymore. I'm good at it, and I make good money at it, but I'm slightly burnt out by the whole thing. I still haven't made up my mind.

I can't sleep.

Probably because I started taking Xenadrine today. I only took the morning dose, but evidently, I'm still wired.

So, I usually give myself 30-45 minutes in bed, and if I can't fall asleep, I get back up. Tonight, I had to get back up. Ugh.

I have such a hard time shutting my mind off. I'm laying in there writing a new story in my head, one that I may someday get to finish, but more than likely not. I've got so many started stories floating around in my subconscious it makes my head spin sometimes. If I could discipline myself to sit down and write on a more consistent basis, I'd probably get half of them out in my lifetime.

I'm going to at least go put the start of it in a Word file. Then maybe I'll go back and work on it later on.

I scrolled on the blogger page and flipped through a couple folks' bloggers.

I hope those same people will read this one: I am so fucking tired of you complaining about a war that we are already in. Support our fucking troops. Form a United Front. You are giving Iraq exactly what they want - and making this country look more backwards and foolish than you accuse our president of doing. You have every right to protest - that's why the military is alive - so that you get to keep the freedom that you keep shoving up our government's ass. But as the wife of a sailor - and the daughter of a patriotic family, I'm asking you to shut the hell up already.

Maybe it's because I'm 38 years old. Maybe it's because I grew up in the midwest. Maybe it's because I'm not one to sit around whining on end about things that I can't change. But I'm aggravated beyond reason at this point. Using the Academy Awards - something that went on to provide a BREAK to people from the horrors of war - to make some speech about how you feel about your government.

... okay, done now.

Onto better things.

I got to pick up my husband tonight and spend about a half hour with him before he had to go to bed. These are long days for him and he's exhausted. I hate seeing it, but I know this is just one more thing he has to go through to realize his potential in the military. He will get through it and I will support him and we will both come out the other end stronger.

The local news is hanging out at the base every night when I pull in to pick him up (we're waiting to get my registration and stickers so I can quit taking him and he can drive himself again) I don't know if they're circling, waiting for some news of a death, or if they're just doing it as local interest. I certainly hope it's the latter.

C and I have a very fun, relaxing weekend planned. He has three days of leave (providing everything remains level at the base) and I want him to relax, have a good time, destress. And I want us to enjoy the 72 hours we have together, because we know it'll be a long time before we get that many hours together again. We're going up to Winchester Friday night to hear Booze Monkey, who are friends of ours. We're going with our friends from Williamsburg, and we're taking the toybag for show and tell - ha, ha. Should be a good time. We're staying over Friday night and then coming back Saturday to relax the other two days.

Wow. It's working! I'm writing! ha ha ha.

Night now.

If you're reading this, you probably know me. If you don't, you wouldn't know that in addition to being a computer geek, and a published author, I'm also own a handmade soap and candle business. Today was a creative day for me. 2 batches of soap (raspberry-oatmeal and Strawberry), plus some other goodies I needed to get done for an order. It's kept my mind and body very busy so far and I haven't had to stop and think about anything else. That's always good.

I really want to sit down and do some writing (of the ds variety) but with everything else that's been going on, I haven't had the headspace for it. After Saturday night, you'd think I would, but I haven't.

I wrote a story awhile back that finally put my bundle of stories over the edge (word count wise) so that I could send my collection to my publisher. I'll be working on that over the next few weeks. In the contract for my poetry book, my next book has to be submitted to them first. (I still can't believe I have a publishing contract! WooT). I could add a few more stories to the collection, if I can get myself adjusted around so that I could write. I know they say to just write every day (which, dear reader, is why you're reading this in the first place.), but it isn't as easy as the books tell you it is. It's hard, sometimes, to come up with anything to say. (Even for me the mouthy blonde)

CNN is on, but is muted more and more. It's so hard to watch the carnage on TV, even when I believe this is necessary to protect everyone - not just us - but the countries surrounding Iraq as well.

I remember being very small and seeing the Viet Nam war on TV. Not specific images, but I remember the camoflague and the reporters in the jungles.

It's almost comical, though, that when I graduated high school, I was totally against our presence in Viet Nam. Now, as much as I understand where the protestors of this war are coming from, I can't find it within myself to blow them off. They make me angry.

My politics are a mixed bag. I am pro-choice. I am pro-death penalty. I am pro-military. I was a staunch liberal up until I'd been transplanted to California for 4 years. California will do 1 of 2 things to a liberal. It'll either make you worse, or cure you. I was cured.

Regardless, this war - this time - is much more personal to me. It may well be simply because C is a submariner, but I hope I'm a deeper thinker than that.

Okay, back to the soap pot. I don't pick C up tonight until after 8pm, so maybe I'll get some time to write after all.

So, I’m feeling better this morning, thank goodness. The news still sucks, but I’m not quite so hyper-sensitive to it. Always a good thing.

= This blogger/journal will from time to time contain adult themes, words, discussion and situations. If you’re going to be offended, don’t read it =

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So I gave a hint earlier that C and I got to play some on Saturday. We haven’t done anything like that for so long, and I was really jonesin’ for it – not so much for the play itself, but for the feeling of closeness and intimacy that it brings me. Our lives are so fucking scattered lately and we have almost no time to spend together and I think it was a renewing act for us both. It renews our dynamic, it renews our places. I don’t care how long you’ve been doing this, sometimes, you need that. I actually could use it much more often than we are able to do it – and would love to have more of it before he leaves for the “big deployment”, so that I have some good memories to look back on when I’m missing him.

Anyway, he spanked me. I bought him a new paddle (what the fuck was I thinking?), and we did a fun little OTK thing. He makes me laugh, then spanks me for laughing, then makes me laugh again. He mock-punishes me for incredibly silly things that are semi-serious, but it’s a good way for him to drive home a point (so to speak) so that while I know I’m safe and loved and cared for – I also understand his point of view on certain things. It’s a great dynamic.

After, we had incredible sex (you needed to know that, right?) and then we spent two hours talking. I expressed to him the view I have on wants and needs (I’m willing to compromise wants, but my needs are not up for discussion) and what happens to me when my needs don’t get met. I also got to explain to him why play isn’t all that important to me for the most part, but occasionally; I need the intimacy that play provides. I don’t need to be hurt for pain’s sake – but I need to feel dominated – actively.
There are folks in the ds community that roll their eyes at people who need to be actively dominated. For me, it’s a renewal of a dynamic – nothing more, nothing less. I couldn’t stand to be micromanaged. But I want to know that he still wields that control, and more importantly, wants to wield it. I have no issue admitting that – no issue with how anyone feels about it – this is just me.

I don’t give a flying fuck about being politically correct in my ds – I just want what I want.

And you should, too.

More later.

...

I took a break from CNN tonight and watched a comedy (Legally Blonde) to try and relax. It worked somewhat. I bought a ton of fiction today at the bookstore, because right now, I need fiction.

I can't believe that there are websites that have the actual pictures of the POWs. I'm not posting a link. Fuck that. No one needs to see that. I can't believe the anger that I feel for those fucking "news" stations that thought it was ok to show a kid - a fucking KID - shot through the forehead.

Maybe the media is too deeply imbeded in this war. I haven't decided yet. I know that C can't watch it for long without wanting to change the channel. I think it hits too close to home for him.

The front line is now 60 miles from Baghdad. I cannot imagine the bravery of those men and women. I cannot imagine the fear - the honor - the courage. I sit in my 1000 sq. foot apartment with my central air and my fireplace and built in everything - I drive my shiny red car and smoke my cigarettes and read my email - and I cannot imagine what it's like to be them. But my husband can.

I send my Reiki energy and my light to the military. It's all I have to send.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope it's a better one.

Okay, I had a little nap and I feel somewhat better. The fact that I'm getting very little sleep due to having to take C. back and forth to base each day or every other day (my own fault - plates on the car expired and we're waiting for our stickers), I've been getting up at 5 or so with him and staying up til midnight or later reading because I can't shut my mind down. Hopefully tonight it will be better.

I'm not sure why I started this journal. Maybe because I want to record my time during this war - maybe because I hope that writing some of this stuff will make it less important. I'm hoping to round this to D/s soon enough and be able to concentrate on that and it's affect on my life, rather than this damn war.

I'll get there, I promise. Just let me work through this first.

Prisoners of war. They now have prisoners of war. My stomach is sick with thoughts of that.

I support this war. I support our government, even though I didn't vote for Bush and I don't consider myself a staunch conserverative, I support what we're doing.

C and I spoke a little last night about his time in the region, during Desert Storm. He told me things that had happened to him that I wasn't aware of, and today, when I heard about the POWs, made me shake. I am so thankful that when he rejoined the military, he chose the Navy. It was his choice. He also chose submarines, again, which I am thankful for. He is safer down there in his cigar tube than he would be on the ground - or even on a surface ship.

My mood has been bad all week. Granted, the stress of multiple things this week caused several melt downs, for both of us. I found something at the drug store today called "Relora" and I'm going to start taking it, to try and even out these ups and downs. With C working 12 hour days, plus duty every four days, sometimes he's gone nearly 48 hours at a time. Which is nothing, when compared to a deployment, but during deployment (his longest being three weeks up until now, but he's only been on the boat for four months), I know I can't talk to him. When there's a 12 hour day, then a duty day (on the boat for 24 hours straight), then another 12 hour day, it's sad and frustrating and long. We knew what we were getting into. But we miss connecting. And we're both pushed to the limit sometimes. I cracked twice this week. He cracked once.

Last night, we had a couple drinks and watched "Sweet Home Alabama". Then I gave him the hairbrush-paddle that I bought him to go along with my most recent story, and we played a little. After the main event (I'm trying to be gentle - ha, ha), we talked for a long time, and found that connection between us that we desperately miss when life pulls us in 20 different directions. It was reassuring - intimate - grounding - and reaffirming for us both. I woke up very relieved.

Course, then I took him to the base for a 36-hour stint, came home and heard about the POWs. I went to the bookstore and the drugstore, and am now home, thinking about playing EverQuest, but will probably end up watching CNN and writing instead.

Okay, so I'm a Navy wife. My husband is still here, on American Soil, but has a deployment to the Med coming up very soon. I can't turn CNN off. From the time I get up, until I go to sleep at night, I am watching CNN or Fox News. I've done little else, except work on candle and soap orders.

I'm on a couple of boards where they've started topics about the war. I can't express to you how angry I am at some of these people who protest this war. I'm not a fan of GW, no question. But a pre-emptive strike to rid the world of a piece of shit like Saddam Hussein is not a bad thing. If this saves lives - American or otherwise - in the future, then it will have been worth it.

On a Navy wife email list the other day, a woman was talking about seeing the chaplain van come through her housing area, and how much relief she felt when the van didn't turn on her street.

This war is personal for everyone in the military, and everyone who has a loved one in the military. So to all your flaming fucking liberals who like to shove "peace" up my ass, don't. I've got your peace. And it'll hurt much more than yours.

I'm thinking that even though I made this public, no one will read it anyway, unless I decide to link it to my web page.

I'm not sure what I'll put here. maybe rants. Maybe poems. Maybe musings of life in general, and in particular, life as a navy wife/erotica writer/kinky person. Regardless, it's begun.