So, I’m feeling better this morning, thank goodness. The news still sucks, but I’m not quite so hyper-sensitive to it. Always a good thing.

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So I gave a hint earlier that C and I got to play some on Saturday. We haven’t done anything like that for so long, and I was really jonesin’ for it – not so much for the play itself, but for the feeling of closeness and intimacy that it brings me. Our lives are so fucking scattered lately and we have almost no time to spend together and I think it was a renewing act for us both. It renews our dynamic, it renews our places. I don’t care how long you’ve been doing this, sometimes, you need that. I actually could use it much more often than we are able to do it – and would love to have more of it before he leaves for the “big deployment”, so that I have some good memories to look back on when I’m missing him.

Anyway, he spanked me. I bought him a new paddle (what the fuck was I thinking?), and we did a fun little OTK thing. He makes me laugh, then spanks me for laughing, then makes me laugh again. He mock-punishes me for incredibly silly things that are semi-serious, but it’s a good way for him to drive home a point (so to speak) so that while I know I’m safe and loved and cared for – I also understand his point of view on certain things. It’s a great dynamic.

After, we had incredible sex (you needed to know that, right?) and then we spent two hours talking. I expressed to him the view I have on wants and needs (I’m willing to compromise wants, but my needs are not up for discussion) and what happens to me when my needs don’t get met. I also got to explain to him why play isn’t all that important to me for the most part, but occasionally; I need the intimacy that play provides. I don’t need to be hurt for pain’s sake – but I need to feel dominated – actively.
There are folks in the ds community that roll their eyes at people who need to be actively dominated. For me, it’s a renewal of a dynamic – nothing more, nothing less. I couldn’t stand to be micromanaged. But I want to know that he still wields that control, and more importantly, wants to wield it. I have no issue admitting that – no issue with how anyone feels about it – this is just me.

I don’t give a flying fuck about being politically correct in my ds – I just want what I want.

And you should, too.

More later.