The candles are done, although I doubt the smell of leather will be gone for quite some time. I love that smell -- in small doses -- but making 4 dozen candles at a time overwhelms me with scent.
...

I do have a tendency to over-analyze. This is not always a fault in a person - sometimes, it comes in quite handy. But I'm a big supporter of "debriefing" after a particularly interesting - intense - event. Maybe it's because I'm used to doing a lot of thinking, or maybe it's because I'm just an anal retentive girl -- or maybe it's because my brain works that way (I'm a systems analyst by trade -- lots of analyzing there – hence the name -- duh). Regardless, I think that occasionally I drive my husband to the brink of insanity with that, but it's something that I need to do. I think he does it, too, he's just not want to share it as I am. (I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am a mouthy bitch)

Yea, I'm going somewhere with that - patience, will ya?

I have always had an issue with spanking

It could have come from many different places. It could have come from prior dominant/submissive relationships. It could have come from childhood. It could come from my psyche telling me “Never be bad. Always be a good girl”. It’s a mental thing, and a physical thing, but more mental, I believe. I relate spanking to punishment and I don’t really want to be punished! I want to be good! Sometimes…..

Sometimes, I want to be punished, just to clear my slate, so to speak. No one is perfect. Everyone fucks things up sometimes. We snip at each other, or we ruin our partner’s favorite t-shirt or we break his coffee mug. We forget to defrost dinner, we forget to pick up his cigarettes, we forget to put gas in the car. There are a million opportunities in every day life to fuck up. . Most people are equipped with a “quick self-forgiveness” gene that I was not granted at birth. This is something I have worked hard over the years to grow inside myself, and I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes – it malfunctions. On those occasions, when several of these little fuck-ups happen either close together, or build up over time, and I haven’t released them, I’d love to be punished for them. My understanding of punishment in an adult relationship is that it does indeed wipe the slate clean when it’s over. All is forgiven, providing you “have learned your lesson.” I’ve always found it difficult, however, to approach my dominant (well, truly, there’s only one that I would have asked for this from and I’m married to him now, so we’ll cut to the chase) – to approach C and say “Please punish me so I can get ON with it.”. I can’t seem to make myself do that.

Now, there is another part to this whole spanking thing, too. There needs to be a dividing line between punishment and play – a specific instrument used – a posture – something. C likes to spank – aside from the punishment issue. That’s the main reason that I’ve tried to work through my issues with this – because it could be made to be a fun activity for us, rather than me having all these fucking hang-ups about it. I do not have these hang ups with other SM activities – flogging, whipping, etc – only with spanking .

So, see, I’m dealing with two entirely different issues about one activity. I would like to suggest to him (and may just do that, because he may be reading this) that we take spanking OUT of the punishment equation (should we ever use that equation – be it me asking for it, or him deciding I need it), and use something else, so that we can save spanking for play.

(I warned you, didn’t I? I analyze everything to the infinite degree)

I think – if he agrees to that – it would help a lot with me being able to work through this stupid old issue.

Now, in spite of all that (or maybe because of it), I have to cop to the fact that I rather enjoyed the spanking I got Saturday night. Not the pain of it – I’m not a masochist – but the OTK aspect and the dominant/submissive aspect. And I do think that if I got deep enough into that d/s aspect of it, that I’d even enjoy the actual feel of the spanking.

You might wonder why I’m debriefing this here, rather than to C himself. Frankly, I’m rehearsing. There’s not going to be any time this week to discuss this with him – I’m likely to get less than an hour an evening with him until Friday. I don’t want to waste that hour stammering and stuttering over this. I’d rather wait until a) he’s relaxed and I’m relaxed and b) I’ve got it all worked out in my head. That’s why I’m doing it here.

Practice makes perfect, after all.

More later, I’m sure. I’m not done with this issue yet.