First, before I get to that other issue – I want to say this.

I linked this page from my home page today. I hesitated to do that, but I figured it was time.

Look, here’s the deal. There are no d/s experts. You can be an expert on bondage or using a cane or using fire in play. But there is no one out there who can critique the d/s-ness of your relationship. There are books, websites, and mailing lists. You can discuss and dissect to your heart’s content. But the fact is that your relationship is unique. D/s is not a finite thing like a paddle or flogger. The d/s community agrees on very little, except that they wish to call their relationships or desires “d/s”. If someone tells you that your relationship is not d/s, and you think it is – tell them politely that their opinion is their opinion, but you do not agree. No sense getting into an argument, you probably won’t change their mind.

I’ve been doing this for about 9 years. I’ve got a ton of essays that I’ve written, in addition to stories and poems, some of which can be found on my website. I believed wholly in each of them, as I wrote them. But the funny thing about life is – things change. What I may have believed about d/s 5 years ago, I may not believe now. People evolve and change.

With that out of my system…

C. and I, in the process of discussing my spanking issues some time ago, came across a desire of his (and mine, I think) that we hadn’t discussed before.

He wants to make me cry. In his own search for his desires, he’s discovered that he’d like to spank/paddle me to tears – that it would be erotic for him to do so.

Now, combine that with the punishment vs. play punishment issue, and you have a quagmire.

If he makes me cry during a punishment scene, will it have the same effect on him as it would during a play punishment scene? Well, that’s his issue – not mine. I imagine at some point, he’ll come up with an answer for that. I hope so, because I’m innately curious. I have a couple ideas, but I won’t say anything until he comes up with it on his own.

My concern is: am I going to be able to do that – and, providing I can – how is it going to make me feel? I haven’t cried during a scene for years. And I’ve never cried during a punishment – only afterwards. And, if I can do it, how is it going to effect me emotionally?

What I hope is that it would allow me to cut loose on some stuff that I have a tendency to allow to build up over time. I think it would make for a very intimate scene, to allow a vulnerability out of me that C. doesn’t see very often.
And I’m also wondering – for me – if crying during play punishment would be different than crying during real punishment. I’m thinking – for myself (as always) – that during real punishment, the tears would come hard and fast, but not necessarily from the pain – but from me feeling bad for having upset or disappointed C. During play punishment, the tears would come from the pain.

This is some very intricate stuff. And yes, maybe I (we) do over-think some of it. But I think C and I know each other well enough to know that we’re better off if we head off stepping on those emotional land mines, rather than running headlong into a field full of them, hoping we miss them all.

So, with all that said, the only question that remains is this: How would I feel about C getting a hard-on while he was punishing me and making me cry? During a play punishment – which – for us – almost always leads to sex, anyway – it’d be fine-n-dandy. But during a real punishment? When I had either disappointed him, or disappointed myself?

I don’t have an answer to that.