I don’t do things half way most of the time. I have a hard time doing things that I don’t invest myself fully in. There are exceptions. I’m typically not all that excited about doing things that are ‘good for me’ like doing things for my folks or work. But I will give 100% to these things whether I feel them fully passionately or not.
There is another exception, too. And that’s being half-dressed.
While I realize that in our culture, sex is typically done naked. But in my culture – in the Jill Book of Human Sexuality – being half dressed and getting fucked is pretty terrific. It says something, you know? It says “I can’t wait long enough to get my clothes all the way off. I need to have you right now.” Even if that isn’t in reality saying that, the aura of it is certainly present. Urgency can be sexy as hell. It can be expressed in many ways, and fucking without taking the time to take all of your clothes off is one of those ways. Dishelved, hair messed up, lipstick smeared, clothes hanging off. Hot.
It’s a little kinky, a little against the rules, a little this side of vanilla. That in and of itself is enough.
Urgency is not ‘half way’. Urgency is full on need expressed in action and word. Urgency is a borderline inability to control desire.
Urgency is hot.
Sitting around my house in something that is not presentable to be worn outside, like a sexy nightgown or a T-shirt and nothing else – while not any sort of display of urgency in the forefront – represent that to me, too. It says to me that even if I’m not in the mood when I dress that way, if something puts me in the mood, what I need to have available to me is readily and easily available. I don’t do it often, but I do occasionally do it. It usually will put me in the mood to take advantage of the fact that I’m dressed that way. I did this last night. And it kept me on edge for most of the night. It’s a pretty incredible feeling.
Maybe that sounds a little obsessive. Maybe it does sound like I’m captivated by sex. And maybe I am. Maybe I just like putting it to the forefront of my mind because it gives me something fun and happy to concentrate on.
Doesn’t matter really, does it? Sexuality is what it is. I have never been one of those kinds of people who didn’t enjoy sex and I’ve never been one of those kinds of people who didn’t want sex. Even when I went 14 months without fucking anyone, sex was still important to me, and I had as many orgasms as I wanted; wrote about it; dreamed about it and talked about it.
Nothing half way.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
The Questionnaire, Part 11
Have you ever given or received an enema from your partner? No, but I’ve discussed it with a few, mostly about receiving one. I know that it’s considered kink, and maybe that’s part of my minor attraction to it. But I also know that it’s considered anal-erotic and I seem to have developed a higher level of desire for that as well. I’m not sure how I’d react to the reality of it, but it’s not something I’m frightened of. I’d call it more neutral than anything right now.
Have you ever left or received bruises from your partner during play? Yes. As a matter of fact, there is still a small light one on my forearm from an encounter several weeks ago. I like that. I like reminders. I like to be marked so that every time I see the mark it reminds me of how wet and wild and good the sex was. Marking is also a deeper thing. Marking is like someone saying “this is mine” which can be hot, too. Yes, indeed you can say that I like bruises *smirk
Have you ever choked or been choked by your partner during sex? Well, choking has extremes. Have I ever had a hand over my throat that partially cut my air off? Yes, a few times. Consensually. C and I tried that once. It did a lot for him, did nothing for him or so he said. I’ve tried it one other time as well and I did like it, and I’d like to play with it a little more. I have this picture in my head of a lover coming up behind me and wrapping his forearm around my throat, tiling me backwards and having his way with me with the arm pressed against the front of my throat. That’s incredibly hot. Makes me shiver a little just writing about it. I don’t know, beyond it being another show of force/resistance I’m not sure why I’m drawn to it, but I am. Maybe it’s like face slapping for me in that regard.
Have you had a sex with someone you just met without even knowing their name? No. As I’ve said throughout this questionnaire, I like having at least a minor connection with someone I’m sleeping with, male or female. The idea of seeing someone across the room and immediately being sexually attracted to them and acting on it without speaking makes a good fantasy but I’m not sure it’d work for me.
And thus concludes this amazing set of questions. I’m grateful for them. They really sparked my sexual creativity again and have produced a whole list of topics to write about. Some I’m going to back to revisit. In other cases, they brought up whole new topics.
So I ask this: If you have a question for me that didn’t come up on the list, send me an email using the link at the top of the screen and I’ll answer it here.
Have you ever left or received bruises from your partner during play? Yes. As a matter of fact, there is still a small light one on my forearm from an encounter several weeks ago. I like that. I like reminders. I like to be marked so that every time I see the mark it reminds me of how wet and wild and good the sex was. Marking is also a deeper thing. Marking is like someone saying “this is mine” which can be hot, too. Yes, indeed you can say that I like bruises *smirk
Have you ever choked or been choked by your partner during sex? Well, choking has extremes. Have I ever had a hand over my throat that partially cut my air off? Yes, a few times. Consensually. C and I tried that once. It did a lot for him, did nothing for him or so he said. I’ve tried it one other time as well and I did like it, and I’d like to play with it a little more. I have this picture in my head of a lover coming up behind me and wrapping his forearm around my throat, tiling me backwards and having his way with me with the arm pressed against the front of my throat. That’s incredibly hot. Makes me shiver a little just writing about it. I don’t know, beyond it being another show of force/resistance I’m not sure why I’m drawn to it, but I am. Maybe it’s like face slapping for me in that regard.
Have you had a sex with someone you just met without even knowing their name? No. As I’ve said throughout this questionnaire, I like having at least a minor connection with someone I’m sleeping with, male or female. The idea of seeing someone across the room and immediately being sexually attracted to them and acting on it without speaking makes a good fantasy but I’m not sure it’d work for me.
And thus concludes this amazing set of questions. I’m grateful for them. They really sparked my sexual creativity again and have produced a whole list of topics to write about. Some I’m going to back to revisit. In other cases, they brought up whole new topics.
So I ask this: If you have a question for me that didn’t come up on the list, send me an email using the link at the top of the screen and I’ll answer it here.
Ramped
I’m supposed to be taking pictures today. I have a couple of outfits I want to take some sexier ones in, and then I have some vanilla ones I need to take as well. I woke up this morning knowing I was going to do this. But for some reason, I am having a hard time pulling it together to do it. I don’t know if it’s because it’s daylight or what, but that brings up an interesting point.
My sexuality seems to ramp up after dark.
I’m a night owl by nature, even though I work during the day and am at the office at 7:30 every morning, no matter how much or how little sleep I’ve had at night. I don’t know if the sexual part of that is my nature or if it’s just habit or if it’s because there’s a traditional part of me that believes that sex is supposed to be at night, although I have struggled with that in the past. But taking pictures that are sensual and sexual and are of me wearing some hot little piece of lingerie while the sun is shining really brightly into the room just doesn’t seem to give me the charge that taking them at night does. I want to *feel sexy when I take sexy pictures. I want to be wet. I want to want. Because I want those things to show on my face and in my eyes.
The night time thing – that’s not to say that I shy away from sex during the day. Sometimes, first thing in the morning before I’m even fully awake – sex is completely amazing. A lazy, rainy afternoon that starts with watching tv on the couch and ends up with one or both of us naked and sweaty – yum. But I don’t initiate that as often as I do after the sun goes down. And in the last several years, I’ve really begun to enjoy the power of initiating sex.
So, I wonder then what it is about the absence of daylight that seems to prepare me better for acting on my carnal desires? It makes me want to put on red lipstick and black thigh-high stockings and seduce the hell out of someone who makes me want them. I’m going to have to give that some thought.
But in the back of my mind there are these pictures ….
My sexuality seems to ramp up after dark.
I’m a night owl by nature, even though I work during the day and am at the office at 7:30 every morning, no matter how much or how little sleep I’ve had at night. I don’t know if the sexual part of that is my nature or if it’s just habit or if it’s because there’s a traditional part of me that believes that sex is supposed to be at night, although I have struggled with that in the past. But taking pictures that are sensual and sexual and are of me wearing some hot little piece of lingerie while the sun is shining really brightly into the room just doesn’t seem to give me the charge that taking them at night does. I want to *feel sexy when I take sexy pictures. I want to be wet. I want to want. Because I want those things to show on my face and in my eyes.
The night time thing – that’s not to say that I shy away from sex during the day. Sometimes, first thing in the morning before I’m even fully awake – sex is completely amazing. A lazy, rainy afternoon that starts with watching tv on the couch and ends up with one or both of us naked and sweaty – yum. But I don’t initiate that as often as I do after the sun goes down. And in the last several years, I’ve really begun to enjoy the power of initiating sex.
So, I wonder then what it is about the absence of daylight that seems to prepare me better for acting on my carnal desires? It makes me want to put on red lipstick and black thigh-high stockings and seduce the hell out of someone who makes me want them. I’m going to have to give that some thought.
But in the back of my mind there are these pictures ….
The Questionnaire, Part 10
Would you consider intimately sharing your mate with a friend for purely educational purposes? I think that’d depend on the activity and the people involved. Would I let a friend suck his cock so she could learn how? Sure, if I get to play, too *grin
Have you ever had an audience of strangers watch you perform intimate acts? Yes, at the swinger’s club. To be honest, after the first few minutes, I forgot that they were there. I’m not sure I feel about it on a deeper level. I know that at the club it was fine, but then again, I wasn’t there because it was my fantasy; it was M’s.
Have you ever participated in a bukkake party (several men ejaculating on a woman)? No. That doesn’t really appeal to me. There’s no sort of connection to the men who are jacking off on you, and it’s a purely fetish thing I think. Not my fetish, but someone’s fetish.
Have you ever masturbated while on webcam for others to watch? No. Actually, I just bought my very first webcam this week. I’m not crazy about the quality, but I didn’t spend much either. I just wanted one to play with a little. Will I use it for this purpose? I’m not thinking so. But then again you never know, do you? The idea of it is pretty hot, but because I’m still not 100% where body confidence is concerned I’m not sure if I’d feel inhibited or not. I might surprise myself.
Do you like resistance play where you're holding or being held down and struggling to get free during sex? I like to be held down, yes. And as it turns out, I also like the idea of holding a lover down sometimes. It’s a little empowering to push a man down onto a bed and climb on top of him. Now typically it’s not like he’s going to resist that *grin but at the point you place your hand on his chest and push, do you really care if he’s resisting or not? I don’t know how I’d feel about being resisted but I certainly do enjoy taking the lead sometimes. As far as the other side, fuck yes I like to be held down and I like to resist physically even though my heart is never in it. I like to fight it. I like to wrestle around. I like to be overpowered. For so many years, I was heavier than my lovers for the most part. I liked the idea of being weaker at that point. But now that’s not necessarily the case anymore. My desire to resist hasn’t weakened a bit though. *grin
Have you ever used 'dirty talk' with a partner while having sex? Are you kidding? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. This adds to my sexual experience so much I cannot even begin to tell you. Nor can I tell you why exactly, but I’m kind of past the point of caring about why. Every sexual experience does not need to have this but the more of it I get, the harder I seem to get off. Typically for most of my experience it’s either been words based on the act that was being performed (being called a good little cocksucker can be a very very good thing *smirk) or it’s been names that most people would consider derogatory or downright rude, and that for some reason make me melt into a little whimpering mess. But there are other things too, and the other night while talking with a friend I discovered that using the names in conjunction with a remark about my behavior – as if being chastised – amps the entire thing up to a different level. If I’m in a more submissive mindset for whatever reason, that really moves me along to a different place and I find myself a little lost in it. It’s like being called a ‘bad girl’ when I’m in the mood to be a bad girl. It’s like having that acknowledged in some wild, deep sexy way and …yum. Dirty talk for me is not a requirement but it certainly is a desire in a big way.
Have you ever had an audience of strangers watch you perform intimate acts? Yes, at the swinger’s club. To be honest, after the first few minutes, I forgot that they were there. I’m not sure I feel about it on a deeper level. I know that at the club it was fine, but then again, I wasn’t there because it was my fantasy; it was M’s.
Have you ever participated in a bukkake party (several men ejaculating on a woman)? No. That doesn’t really appeal to me. There’s no sort of connection to the men who are jacking off on you, and it’s a purely fetish thing I think. Not my fetish, but someone’s fetish.
Have you ever masturbated while on webcam for others to watch? No. Actually, I just bought my very first webcam this week. I’m not crazy about the quality, but I didn’t spend much either. I just wanted one to play with a little. Will I use it for this purpose? I’m not thinking so. But then again you never know, do you? The idea of it is pretty hot, but because I’m still not 100% where body confidence is concerned I’m not sure if I’d feel inhibited or not. I might surprise myself.
Do you like resistance play where you're holding or being held down and struggling to get free during sex? I like to be held down, yes. And as it turns out, I also like the idea of holding a lover down sometimes. It’s a little empowering to push a man down onto a bed and climb on top of him. Now typically it’s not like he’s going to resist that *grin but at the point you place your hand on his chest and push, do you really care if he’s resisting or not? I don’t know how I’d feel about being resisted but I certainly do enjoy taking the lead sometimes. As far as the other side, fuck yes I like to be held down and I like to resist physically even though my heart is never in it. I like to fight it. I like to wrestle around. I like to be overpowered. For so many years, I was heavier than my lovers for the most part. I liked the idea of being weaker at that point. But now that’s not necessarily the case anymore. My desire to resist hasn’t weakened a bit though. *grin
Have you ever used 'dirty talk' with a partner while having sex? Are you kidding? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. This adds to my sexual experience so much I cannot even begin to tell you. Nor can I tell you why exactly, but I’m kind of past the point of caring about why. Every sexual experience does not need to have this but the more of it I get, the harder I seem to get off. Typically for most of my experience it’s either been words based on the act that was being performed (being called a good little cocksucker can be a very very good thing *smirk) or it’s been names that most people would consider derogatory or downright rude, and that for some reason make me melt into a little whimpering mess. But there are other things too, and the other night while talking with a friend I discovered that using the names in conjunction with a remark about my behavior – as if being chastised – amps the entire thing up to a different level. If I’m in a more submissive mindset for whatever reason, that really moves me along to a different place and I find myself a little lost in it. It’s like being called a ‘bad girl’ when I’m in the mood to be a bad girl. It’s like having that acknowledged in some wild, deep sexy way and …yum. Dirty talk for me is not a requirement but it certainly is a desire in a big way.
Friday, April 04, 2008
The Questionnaire, Part 9
Have you ever seen a stripper or been to a strip club? Yes. M and I spent a very fun Saturday night up in San Francisco. I had been before, but neither of us had been with a partner. There was one girl in particular that appealed to both of us. We had lap dances from her and fantasized about fucking her together. It was a very sensual evening and I enjoyed it very much. I’d like to go with a lover again. Just the titillation factor alone, if both parties are enthusiastic and creative, would be more than worth the cover charge.
Have you ever committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)? No mooning, no streaking. Flashing is fun though, although I admit I haven’t done it in quite some time. I’m not sure any of those – in the context of them being the same thing as each – really say ‘exhibitionism’ to me though – it seems more prankish. To me, exhibitionism is nudity – full, partial, or slight – in public for the purpose of sexual enticement or excitement. Now, if you were to ask me if I like to be with a partner who enjoys brief flashes of skin in public for the purpose of seduction? Yes. That I do like. And that, I would do *grin
Have you ever committed an act of voyeurism? Have I watched someone fuck or masturbate? Yes. But I think that they’ve always known about it. I don’t think I’ve ever watched anyone engage in sexuality without their knowledge, though that might be fun *grin
If you had a choice as to how often you would have sex, how often would it be? I don’t suppose I can get away with “it depends” here, can I? But it really does. Am I with a partner? If so, then I would like to have some sort of sexual contact every day. Whether that entails fucking or oral sex or just plain making out on the couch is up for grabs, but I like to connect with a lover on a sexual level at least once a day. I think that if you don’t necessarily fuck every day, but do other things instead – even something as simple as shopping for lingerie – it keeps passion alive.
Do you currently have or have you had in the past a friend with benefits, fuck buddy or other regular casual sex partner? I have had three. I have one now, have had for about a year. The ones I had in the past lasted anywhere from three months to five years (off and on). Each of them has been completely different. Fuck buddy relationships can be tricky. If this is someone you are truly friends with, lines are much easier to cross, and it’s difficult to remember sometimes what the relationship is. The best ones leave room for both activities without them taking away from the other. There are different levels of casual (see my recent post on casual vs. nonchalant), and each relationship has to be defined by both people, often more than once. But having sex with someone you truly like and would spend time with outside the bedroom? That’s a pretty cool thing to have in your life.
Have you ever been taught or had someone demonstrate a new sexual act for you in order to better your sexual skills? I don’t think so, outside of the BDSM community.
Do you keep a change of clothes in your vehicle for unexpected overnight visits? No. If I had a local lover, maybe I would be I don’t, so this would just leave me looking for whatever I packed in the bag *grin.
Have you ever committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)? No mooning, no streaking. Flashing is fun though, although I admit I haven’t done it in quite some time. I’m not sure any of those – in the context of them being the same thing as each – really say ‘exhibitionism’ to me though – it seems more prankish. To me, exhibitionism is nudity – full, partial, or slight – in public for the purpose of sexual enticement or excitement. Now, if you were to ask me if I like to be with a partner who enjoys brief flashes of skin in public for the purpose of seduction? Yes. That I do like. And that, I would do *grin
Have you ever committed an act of voyeurism? Have I watched someone fuck or masturbate? Yes. But I think that they’ve always known about it. I don’t think I’ve ever watched anyone engage in sexuality without their knowledge, though that might be fun *grin
If you had a choice as to how often you would have sex, how often would it be? I don’t suppose I can get away with “it depends” here, can I? But it really does. Am I with a partner? If so, then I would like to have some sort of sexual contact every day. Whether that entails fucking or oral sex or just plain making out on the couch is up for grabs, but I like to connect with a lover on a sexual level at least once a day. I think that if you don’t necessarily fuck every day, but do other things instead – even something as simple as shopping for lingerie – it keeps passion alive.
Do you currently have or have you had in the past a friend with benefits, fuck buddy or other regular casual sex partner? I have had three. I have one now, have had for about a year. The ones I had in the past lasted anywhere from three months to five years (off and on). Each of them has been completely different. Fuck buddy relationships can be tricky. If this is someone you are truly friends with, lines are much easier to cross, and it’s difficult to remember sometimes what the relationship is. The best ones leave room for both activities without them taking away from the other. There are different levels of casual (see my recent post on casual vs. nonchalant), and each relationship has to be defined by both people, often more than once. But having sex with someone you truly like and would spend time with outside the bedroom? That’s a pretty cool thing to have in your life.
Have you ever been taught or had someone demonstrate a new sexual act for you in order to better your sexual skills? I don’t think so, outside of the BDSM community.
Do you keep a change of clothes in your vehicle for unexpected overnight visits? No. If I had a local lover, maybe I would be I don’t, so this would just leave me looking for whatever I packed in the bag *grin.
Edge
I love feeling like this.
It's been awhile since I felt the creative juices (so to speak *smirk*) flowing to the extent they have been this week. That questionnaire certainly re-sparked my energy as far as writing is concerned. That, combined with a couple of other interesting things that have happened this week has brought on a rush of feelings that I missed having.
I realize that I'm pretty easy to inspire in that regard - easy to put into a mindset that's just built for writing about, or doing sexual things. Those are the kinds of days when nearly anything will set me off on a spiral -- even wearing the wrong (or right!) kind of panties that ride up into certain sensitive areas of my anatomy *grin
I have more questions to answer from the questionnaire, and then I need to go back and revisit some of the ones that I did answer. Some did not get the in-depth discussion from me that they deserved.
Additionally, my topic list for this blog is almost a whole page long. Now if I can just get my time schedule to cooperate, maybe I'll even be able to fit some fiction in *grin
Days like this are what make me remember why I do this in the first place. I sit on the edge of the sexual precipice because that's where I belong.
It's been awhile since I felt the creative juices (so to speak *smirk*) flowing to the extent they have been this week. That questionnaire certainly re-sparked my energy as far as writing is concerned. That, combined with a couple of other interesting things that have happened this week has brought on a rush of feelings that I missed having.
I realize that I'm pretty easy to inspire in that regard - easy to put into a mindset that's just built for writing about, or doing sexual things. Those are the kinds of days when nearly anything will set me off on a spiral -- even wearing the wrong (or right!) kind of panties that ride up into certain sensitive areas of my anatomy *grin
I have more questions to answer from the questionnaire, and then I need to go back and revisit some of the ones that I did answer. Some did not get the in-depth discussion from me that they deserved.
Additionally, my topic list for this blog is almost a whole page long. Now if I can just get my time schedule to cooperate, maybe I'll even be able to fit some fiction in *grin
Days like this are what make me remember why I do this in the first place. I sit on the edge of the sexual precipice because that's where I belong.
You can leave your hat on ...
I'm having such a great time with the questionnaire, but I figured I'd better take a break from it so that my answers stay fresh :) I still have a long list of questions to go, and will probably get back to working on them tonight.
In the mean time, I ran across a page with some quotes I liked recently, and this one keeps coming to the top of the list for me for some reason:
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
That's all well and good, Mr. Capote, but what if you want to get dressed up for it? *smirk
I understand that masturbation is yet another thing that people view differently. I almost said men and women there, but from my own personal relationships I know it's not that kind of line.
For some people, it's purely a stress reliever and a frustration release valve. Getting off lets off some steam that may not have another outlet. It's quick, either in a bathroom or other private place. And as soon as it's over, it's a quick hand wash (hopefully) and off to something else.
On the other end of the spectrum from the "Quick and Dirty" crowd are the "I make love to me" crowd, who make a huge production out of mastubating. Candles, music, sensual materials, maybe even special silk sheets on the bed. They take their time, prolonging the experience for as long as possible.
You have people who do it, but would never admit to doing it because of their religious or social beliefs. You have married men who do it to porn on their computers every day while their wives are out. You have women who spend half an afternoon in bed with themselves because they can't bring themselves to tell their partner what really makes them cum. You have people who try and fail to have orgasms this way. You have others who simply never have -- and never would -- do it at all.
You would assume that masturbation is strictly for sexual satisfaction, wouldn't you? Not so. As I said above, it's also good for stress relief. For some people, the sexual satisfaction is simply a byproduct of the real emotion driving their jacking-off: anger, revenge, grief, shame, hurt. And yet others do it for no other reason than it's become a habit or a nice warm security blanket that they curl up before they go to sleep at night. In that vein, it can also be used as a sleep aid. Ask me how I know /wink.
You have people who consider masturbation when you have a partner to be as bad as cheating. I'm not in agreement with that, however, having had some experience with Mr Internet Porn While The Wife is Busy that I wrote of above, I can tell you that if it becomes a frequent occurence it's likely indicative of other problems in the relationship.
But back to Mr Capote ....
Have I ever dressed up to masturbate? Yes. Not often. But I have, either by request (from a dominant or dominant partner) or because I wanted to. Have I ever made a big production out of playing with myself? Candles and soft music? no. Special sheets? no. But a locked door, a variety of toys at my disposal and an erotic novel or some other stimulant handy? Yes, I have. I've been known to spend an hour or so getting myself off over and over when it was something I felt the desire to do.
It's unfortunate that most of the time that's not really a viable option. Frequently, having an orgasm is the last thing I do before I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. I'll get ready for bed, turn off the light (most of the time *grin), and have one,maybe two good orgasms before I roll over and go to sleep. Timing, more than anything else, dictates that.
That's not to say that I don't do it at other times of the day. I do. But that time of the day is most consistent, and happens almost nightly.
Timing is not always the deciding factor. Sometimes, the deciding factor is the fact that I need to get off, right then. I've been known to masturbate in the bathroom in the warehouse at work, in my car and a couple of other less inappropriate places. When the need is enough that I need to ask myself if it's worth the risk, it usually is.
So, no, Mr Capote, you don't have to dress up to jack off. But you certainly can. And maybe sometimes, you should ~
In the mean time, I ran across a page with some quotes I liked recently, and this one keeps coming to the top of the list for me for some reason:
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
That's all well and good, Mr. Capote, but what if you want to get dressed up for it? *smirk
I understand that masturbation is yet another thing that people view differently. I almost said men and women there, but from my own personal relationships I know it's not that kind of line.
For some people, it's purely a stress reliever and a frustration release valve. Getting off lets off some steam that may not have another outlet. It's quick, either in a bathroom or other private place. And as soon as it's over, it's a quick hand wash (hopefully) and off to something else.
On the other end of the spectrum from the "Quick and Dirty" crowd are the "I make love to me" crowd, who make a huge production out of mastubating. Candles, music, sensual materials, maybe even special silk sheets on the bed. They take their time, prolonging the experience for as long as possible.
You have people who do it, but would never admit to doing it because of their religious or social beliefs. You have married men who do it to porn on their computers every day while their wives are out. You have women who spend half an afternoon in bed with themselves because they can't bring themselves to tell their partner what really makes them cum. You have people who try and fail to have orgasms this way. You have others who simply never have -- and never would -- do it at all.
You would assume that masturbation is strictly for sexual satisfaction, wouldn't you? Not so. As I said above, it's also good for stress relief. For some people, the sexual satisfaction is simply a byproduct of the real emotion driving their jacking-off: anger, revenge, grief, shame, hurt. And yet others do it for no other reason than it's become a habit or a nice warm security blanket that they curl up before they go to sleep at night. In that vein, it can also be used as a sleep aid. Ask me how I know /wink.
You have people who consider masturbation when you have a partner to be as bad as cheating. I'm not in agreement with that, however, having had some experience with Mr Internet Porn While The Wife is Busy that I wrote of above, I can tell you that if it becomes a frequent occurence it's likely indicative of other problems in the relationship.
But back to Mr Capote ....
Have I ever dressed up to masturbate? Yes. Not often. But I have, either by request (from a dominant or dominant partner) or because I wanted to. Have I ever made a big production out of playing with myself? Candles and soft music? no. Special sheets? no. But a locked door, a variety of toys at my disposal and an erotic novel or some other stimulant handy? Yes, I have. I've been known to spend an hour or so getting myself off over and over when it was something I felt the desire to do.
It's unfortunate that most of the time that's not really a viable option. Frequently, having an orgasm is the last thing I do before I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. I'll get ready for bed, turn off the light (most of the time *grin), and have one,maybe two good orgasms before I roll over and go to sleep. Timing, more than anything else, dictates that.
That's not to say that I don't do it at other times of the day. I do. But that time of the day is most consistent, and happens almost nightly.
Timing is not always the deciding factor. Sometimes, the deciding factor is the fact that I need to get off, right then. I've been known to masturbate in the bathroom in the warehouse at work, in my car and a couple of other less inappropriate places. When the need is enough that I need to ask myself if it's worth the risk, it usually is.
So, no, Mr Capote, you don't have to dress up to jack off. But you certainly can. And maybe sometimes, you should ~
Thursday, April 03, 2008
The Questionnaire, Part 8
Do you have your nipples pierced? Not now, not ever. Listen, I like my nipples just how they are right now. I’m even nervous about having a breast lift when I do my plastic surgery because I don’t want to give up the sensitivity that they have, and how I react to having them played with. So, no. No piercing. Ever.
How many genital piercings do you have? I had my clit hood pierced for several years. One day, a year or so ago, I just took it out. I don’t know why, I just felt that it had served its purpose and I was over it. I enjoyed having it. I stand by the reasons I got it. But I just didn’t seem to need it anymore. Was it painful when I got it? Fuck, yes. Did it add to my sexual experience? Yes. Do I miss it? Not really.
How many tattoos do you have? One. I have a flower on my right shoulder blade. I have a dragonfly picked out for the left one, I just need to get off my ass and go get it done.
Have you ever participated in a double penetration? Yes *grin. Both with two real cocks and one real/one fake. There is definitely a difference, although both experiences were enjoyable for different reasons. Having two real cocks entails having two real bodies against you – two different skin temperatures and textures. Two sets of hands of different sizes. Two sets of lips. It’s a little bit of sensory overload, which at times can be a good thing, and at other times can be unnecessarily distracting. That, and I never did feel like I could devote enough attention to either man. It’s a wholly sensual experience but it comes with its own set of pitfalls. One real cock, one fake cock leaves a bit more head room for concentrating on just two people’s pleasures. Although I can’t speak from personal experience, I’m guessing that having your cock inside a woman’s ass while her cunt is also stuffed full must make the experience more intense for the man, too. Not only because she’s probably a whimpering ball of ‘fuck me’ but also because of how the fake cock must feel against the inside of her. I have to imagine that it would make being inside her a warmer, tighter experience. From my perspective, all I can tell you is that I was that whimpering wet ball of ‘fuck me’ and I enjoyed it immensely.
Have you ever participated in a gang bang? No, although the fantasy of that is hot. I had a very good friend who I never really did ‘cyber’ or phone with although I talked extensively about sex with him in both venues – who told me that his fantasy for me would be to line up 5 or 6 of his friends to fuck me until I couldn’t take anymore, and then to fuck me himself and prove me wrong. I’ll admit that that story kept me… um occupied while I masturbated for a few weeks *grin. The reality of it might be a very different story. While I enjoy feeling ‘used’ in a sexual manner with someone that I know isn’t really using me specifically for that, I’m not sure the actuality of it would be quite so hot.
Have you ever peed on or been peed on by your partner (golden showers)? No. M got it in his head once to try that. We went into the shower and we both tried, and failed to ‘produce’. Again, the fantasy of that scenario – being marked as belonging to someone – is extremely erotic, and I’d be willing to give it a try with someone, but I’m not sure it’s something I’d want to do as a regular thing. Given a certain situation with a certain purpose, possibly though.
Have you ever had sex while you or your partner was having their period? Yes. Funny thing, my orgasms while I’m on my period are often stronger than those when I’m not, and to be honest, orgasms during my period relieve a multitude of problems that are associated with ‘that time of the month’. However, depending on where at in my cycle I am, the mess isn’t worth it. It all depends on the ‘when’ and the ‘where’. As far as my experience with men’s reactions to it, M was just fine with it, and C wanted nothing to do with it. I guess it all depends on the man.
Do you like being marked by your partner? Yum. I don’t bruise easily on most parts of my body but some do. My neck does. My forearms do. And my thighs and breasts do. If I am marked in any of those places, depending on the intensity, they can last up to a week to ten days. Marks on my ass, again depending on intensity, don’t last nearly as long, but I think that’s typical of most people in general. It also depends on the instrument or body part used to mark. Bruises on my arms or wrists from being held down can last up to a week or longer. Bite marks on my breasts, neck and thighs will last for a week if they are dark to start with. Paddles will bruises me whereas a hand spanking usually does not, and I’ve had mixed experience with floggers. A single tail mark on my ass can last up to two weeks. Again, it all depends on intensity. And intent.
Have you ever taken a shower with your partner? A few times, yes, although the experience wasn’t really sexual. Sensual, yes. But not sexual. I’ve never fucked in the shower. I do however have a fantasy of stepping into a shower in a white tshirt and giving a blowjob under hot streaming water…. *smirk.
How many genital piercings do you have? I had my clit hood pierced for several years. One day, a year or so ago, I just took it out. I don’t know why, I just felt that it had served its purpose and I was over it. I enjoyed having it. I stand by the reasons I got it. But I just didn’t seem to need it anymore. Was it painful when I got it? Fuck, yes. Did it add to my sexual experience? Yes. Do I miss it? Not really.
How many tattoos do you have? One. I have a flower on my right shoulder blade. I have a dragonfly picked out for the left one, I just need to get off my ass and go get it done.
Have you ever participated in a double penetration? Yes *grin. Both with two real cocks and one real/one fake. There is definitely a difference, although both experiences were enjoyable for different reasons. Having two real cocks entails having two real bodies against you – two different skin temperatures and textures. Two sets of hands of different sizes. Two sets of lips. It’s a little bit of sensory overload, which at times can be a good thing, and at other times can be unnecessarily distracting. That, and I never did feel like I could devote enough attention to either man. It’s a wholly sensual experience but it comes with its own set of pitfalls. One real cock, one fake cock leaves a bit more head room for concentrating on just two people’s pleasures. Although I can’t speak from personal experience, I’m guessing that having your cock inside a woman’s ass while her cunt is also stuffed full must make the experience more intense for the man, too. Not only because she’s probably a whimpering ball of ‘fuck me’ but also because of how the fake cock must feel against the inside of her. I have to imagine that it would make being inside her a warmer, tighter experience. From my perspective, all I can tell you is that I was that whimpering wet ball of ‘fuck me’ and I enjoyed it immensely.
Have you ever participated in a gang bang? No, although the fantasy of that is hot. I had a very good friend who I never really did ‘cyber’ or phone with although I talked extensively about sex with him in both venues – who told me that his fantasy for me would be to line up 5 or 6 of his friends to fuck me until I couldn’t take anymore, and then to fuck me himself and prove me wrong. I’ll admit that that story kept me… um occupied while I masturbated for a few weeks *grin. The reality of it might be a very different story. While I enjoy feeling ‘used’ in a sexual manner with someone that I know isn’t really using me specifically for that, I’m not sure the actuality of it would be quite so hot.
Have you ever peed on or been peed on by your partner (golden showers)? No. M got it in his head once to try that. We went into the shower and we both tried, and failed to ‘produce’. Again, the fantasy of that scenario – being marked as belonging to someone – is extremely erotic, and I’d be willing to give it a try with someone, but I’m not sure it’s something I’d want to do as a regular thing. Given a certain situation with a certain purpose, possibly though.
Have you ever had sex while you or your partner was having their period? Yes. Funny thing, my orgasms while I’m on my period are often stronger than those when I’m not, and to be honest, orgasms during my period relieve a multitude of problems that are associated with ‘that time of the month’. However, depending on where at in my cycle I am, the mess isn’t worth it. It all depends on the ‘when’ and the ‘where’. As far as my experience with men’s reactions to it, M was just fine with it, and C wanted nothing to do with it. I guess it all depends on the man.
Do you like being marked by your partner? Yum. I don’t bruise easily on most parts of my body but some do. My neck does. My forearms do. And my thighs and breasts do. If I am marked in any of those places, depending on the intensity, they can last up to a week to ten days. Marks on my ass, again depending on intensity, don’t last nearly as long, but I think that’s typical of most people in general. It also depends on the instrument or body part used to mark. Bruises on my arms or wrists from being held down can last up to a week or longer. Bite marks on my breasts, neck and thighs will last for a week if they are dark to start with. Paddles will bruises me whereas a hand spanking usually does not, and I’ve had mixed experience with floggers. A single tail mark on my ass can last up to two weeks. Again, it all depends on intensity. And intent.
Have you ever taken a shower with your partner? A few times, yes, although the experience wasn’t really sexual. Sensual, yes. But not sexual. I’ve never fucked in the shower. I do however have a fantasy of stepping into a shower in a white tshirt and giving a blowjob under hot streaming water…. *smirk.
The Questionnaire, Part 7
Do you like to be spanked? If you’ve read much of this blog, you know the answer to that one already *grin. For the sake of a quick explanation, I am not a person who likes pain for pain’s sake but I do enjoy it for what it feeds me through my sexuality. Pain given in a sexual way something that elevates my senses; makes my experience more intense. So yes, I like to be spanked by someone I’m going to fuck, have fucked, or am in the process of fucking at that moment *grin.
How do you like to be spanked? Over the spanker’s lap, or with me up on my hands and knees on a bed. Building in intensity over time.
Do you like spanking your partner? Not really, no. I’ve said many times that I enjoy topping women but I do not enjoy physically topping men. If it’s something that my partner wants to try on, I’m happy to oblige, but as a part of a long term relationship, not so much.
Do you like having your hair pulled by your partner? Yes, please. This goes back to that whole primal aspect of sex. There are many reasons I keep my hair long, and it’s definitely one of them.
Do you like to pull your partner's hair during sex? Not typically, but I am not opposed to using my fingernails or teeth to make the same sorts of points. *grin
Have you ever been handcuffed or tied down while your partner had his/her way with you? Yes, but not nearly often enough. Every bdsm relationship I’ve been in, this has been discussed but it rarely happens. M didn’t feel comfortable with bondage unless it was during a physical pain sort of scene. C said it was too much like work. *shrug. But the times I have gotten to experience it, I’ve enjoyed it immensely.
Have you ever handcuffed or tied your partner down so that you could have your way with him/her? You know, I’ve only done that with a lover twice, and I enjoyed it much more than I had anticipated. I found out that day that I really get off on being a tease and I also found out that I cave far too easily. Oh well. There’s always the next time….
Have you ever done a heavy sadomasochistic (S&M) session with a partner? Yes. For many years, I was involved heavily in bdsm – clubs, parties, events. I played at all of them, both with partners and friends.
Have you ever played in a public dungeon with your partner? Yes. And for a long time I enjoyed doing so. I might occasionally enjoy it again, but not nearly as often as I did previously. I think that M sort of turned me off that. After awhile with him, I started to feel like I could have been just a toy he pulled out of the bag to show off rather than his partner. I did play in public after we broke up, but never again with a partner, always with friends or play dates. Because of who I was (and am, I guess), Screamer Girl, I had a certain notoriety, and I think M enjoyed portraying to the world that he was the one man who could ‘own’ me. If given the opportunity to play in public again for whatever reason with someone I trusted, I’m sure that I’d be open to doing so.
Do you crave being in control of or being controlled by your partner? Crave may not be the right word here, but I do enjoy it. Both sides. I wouldn’t have said that five years ago, but over the course of the last five years I’ve explored that part of myself – the ‘bitch in control of you’ part – and she does occasionally enjoy coming out to play. As far as being controlled, yes, I more than enjoy that. Even if it’s something small – just a hint of control – it adds a whole new level of sexuality to the experience for me.
Do you own a flogger, a riding crop, a human collar, wrist cuffs, or restraints for tying up your partner? All of the above, and more. The toybags in my closet are probably worth well over three thousand dollars and I’ve sold and given away another two thousand dollars worth of stuff over the years. Shame that the only things that have been used in the last several years are a flogger, my cuffs and a paddle. I’m not sure why I hold onto it all. But there is apparently a part of me that hopes to be able to use some of it again someday.
Would you be willing to mutilate your body to please your partner? No, not unless it was something that I wanted for myself.
To you, the term "vanilla" describes: simple sex without power, control or kink.
How do you like to be spanked? Over the spanker’s lap, or with me up on my hands and knees on a bed. Building in intensity over time.
Do you like spanking your partner? Not really, no. I’ve said many times that I enjoy topping women but I do not enjoy physically topping men. If it’s something that my partner wants to try on, I’m happy to oblige, but as a part of a long term relationship, not so much.
Do you like having your hair pulled by your partner? Yes, please. This goes back to that whole primal aspect of sex. There are many reasons I keep my hair long, and it’s definitely one of them.
Do you like to pull your partner's hair during sex? Not typically, but I am not opposed to using my fingernails or teeth to make the same sorts of points. *grin
Have you ever been handcuffed or tied down while your partner had his/her way with you? Yes, but not nearly often enough. Every bdsm relationship I’ve been in, this has been discussed but it rarely happens. M didn’t feel comfortable with bondage unless it was during a physical pain sort of scene. C said it was too much like work. *shrug. But the times I have gotten to experience it, I’ve enjoyed it immensely.
Have you ever handcuffed or tied your partner down so that you could have your way with him/her? You know, I’ve only done that with a lover twice, and I enjoyed it much more than I had anticipated. I found out that day that I really get off on being a tease and I also found out that I cave far too easily. Oh well. There’s always the next time….
Have you ever done a heavy sadomasochistic (S&M) session with a partner? Yes. For many years, I was involved heavily in bdsm – clubs, parties, events. I played at all of them, both with partners and friends.
Have you ever played in a public dungeon with your partner? Yes. And for a long time I enjoyed doing so. I might occasionally enjoy it again, but not nearly as often as I did previously. I think that M sort of turned me off that. After awhile with him, I started to feel like I could have been just a toy he pulled out of the bag to show off rather than his partner. I did play in public after we broke up, but never again with a partner, always with friends or play dates. Because of who I was (and am, I guess), Screamer Girl, I had a certain notoriety, and I think M enjoyed portraying to the world that he was the one man who could ‘own’ me. If given the opportunity to play in public again for whatever reason with someone I trusted, I’m sure that I’d be open to doing so.
Do you crave being in control of or being controlled by your partner? Crave may not be the right word here, but I do enjoy it. Both sides. I wouldn’t have said that five years ago, but over the course of the last five years I’ve explored that part of myself – the ‘bitch in control of you’ part – and she does occasionally enjoy coming out to play. As far as being controlled, yes, I more than enjoy that. Even if it’s something small – just a hint of control – it adds a whole new level of sexuality to the experience for me.
Do you own a flogger, a riding crop, a human collar, wrist cuffs, or restraints for tying up your partner? All of the above, and more. The toybags in my closet are probably worth well over three thousand dollars and I’ve sold and given away another two thousand dollars worth of stuff over the years. Shame that the only things that have been used in the last several years are a flogger, my cuffs and a paddle. I’m not sure why I hold onto it all. But there is apparently a part of me that hopes to be able to use some of it again someday.
Would you be willing to mutilate your body to please your partner? No, not unless it was something that I wanted for myself.
To you, the term "vanilla" describes: simple sex without power, control or kink.
The Questionnaire, Part 6
Have you ever had a threesome? Yes, both with 2 men and with 2 women. I’ve been both the extra woman, and the woman in the relationship. The former is considerably easier in some ways, and much more difficult in others. You do not have the intimate connection with the people you're fucking but you’re also not mired down in the bullshit of ‘is this right or wrong?’. As for two men at once, it was something that a boyfriend in my early twenties wanted to do for his birthday. He wanted to have my ass while another man fucked me. It took a bit of convincing for me to agree, but I finally relented. The friend of his that he picked had a….let’s just say he had a larger (longer and wider) than average cock. I don’t know if my boyfriend-at-the-time knew that or not, but I think that it intimidated him in the end. He seemed to enjoy the experience (and I know I sure as hell did) but afterwards he had some pretty severe jealousy issues that ended up with him screaming at me to ‘go fuck his friend’ and walking out on me. It was painful at the time and I felt betrayed because it was his idea to begin with. But after a few days I realized that it really wasn’t a big loss. In the end, I did fuck his friend a few times after a respectable period of time but that’s all it really was. Since then, it’s never come up. I’ve not had a partner that would consent to even talk about it. I did have a threesome with M (two females) but C wouldn’t discuss it at all. C has some kind of weirdness about ‘bisexuals’ and that part of me was completely shut down both times we were together. (I’ll come back and revisit this topic again in a future blog. I have plenty more to say on the subject *grin).
What kind of threesome would you prefer? I enjoyed both ways, but if I could only have one, I think I’d be selfish and go for two men. *grin
Have you ever watched someone else have sex? Yes. I mentioned early that M and I went to a swinger’s club a couple of times. It was there, and also in a BDSM club in San Francisco, and a couple of BDSM house parties I went to in California. It’s a little odd if you’re without a date and very hot if you have one.
Have you ever let someone watch you have sex? At the swinger’s club, yes.
Have you ever had sex in the same room with another couple who was also having sex? Again yes, at the same place as above.
Have you ever switched partners while having sex? Outside of the threesomes I have had, no. I think if the people were right and the time was right and I felt that everyone felt comfortable, it might be an interesting experience to … experience. As a casual experience with people that I didn’t know well, I don’t think this would be comfortable fr me.
Have you ever participated in an orgy? No. I don’t think that’s my thing. I’m not one to really rule things out entirely but I’m guessing I wouldn’t enjoy that.
What kind of threesome would you prefer? I enjoyed both ways, but if I could only have one, I think I’d be selfish and go for two men. *grin
Have you ever watched someone else have sex? Yes. I mentioned early that M and I went to a swinger’s club a couple of times. It was there, and also in a BDSM club in San Francisco, and a couple of BDSM house parties I went to in California. It’s a little odd if you’re without a date and very hot if you have one.
Have you ever let someone watch you have sex? At the swinger’s club, yes.
Have you ever had sex in the same room with another couple who was also having sex? Again yes, at the same place as above.
Have you ever switched partners while having sex? Outside of the threesomes I have had, no. I think if the people were right and the time was right and I felt that everyone felt comfortable, it might be an interesting experience to … experience. As a casual experience with people that I didn’t know well, I don’t think this would be comfortable fr me.
Have you ever participated in an orgy? No. I don’t think that’s my thing. I’m not one to really rule things out entirely but I’m guessing I wouldn’t enjoy that.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
The Questionnaire, Part 5
Have you ever been attracted to someone of the same sex? Yes. I don’t know, still, if I’d classify myself as bisexual in the generally accepted definition. Personally though, I do enjoy sex with women, if I am attracted to her physically and mentally. But I don’t think I could have a serious long term relationship with another woman. So technically, I could be considered bisexual, but not bi-amorous. *chuckle
Have you ever had sex with someone of the same sex? Yes. There have been a few occasions in my life where this opportunity has presented itself to me. The first time was while I was still in high school and I didn’t do it for attraction, I did it because my much older boyfriend wanted me to. The second time was with a close friend of mine. It only happened a few times, but it was a sweet and sexy. There have been a few other occasions after that, but it’s never been beyond just pure sex. I’ve not shied away from it, it just has come into my life.
Would you let someone of the same sex go down on you if you didn't have to touch them or return the favor? I would, sure, but I’m not sure what the point would be, unless it was part of a scene for either them or me. I can see it that way.
Have you ever had a one night stand? Yes. Not for a long time. And I don’t know if I’d be ever open to doing it again. Sex is so much better with someone you have a friendship or a connection with. You don’t get that with a one night stand. It’s not that I’m morally opposed to the idea, it’s just not conducive to me getting what I want out of a sexual experience.
Have you ever had sex on the first date? Yes. C and I met in a hotel between where I lived and Wyoming. 45 minutes after he walked in, we were having sex. I guess that’s what happens when you fall for someone on the Internet, right? When I was younger, sex on the first date was completely acceptable. I’d say more often than not. Though when I dated after my separation from C, the answer would be no. It wasn’t how I wanted to start a relationship with someone.
Have you ever had sex in public? Well, define public. I’ve had sex in a swinger’s club. I’ve had sex in cars. I’ve given blow jobs in moving cars and been partially exposed while doing it. I had sex out in the country, on the trunk of a car. So the answer is yes. For future reference, the answer would likely be yes if the opportunity presented itself in such a way that I felt comfortable doing it. The very idea of being caught, or being watched adds a whole new level of shiver to the experience.
Have you ever given your partner your underwear as a souvenir? Panties? No. However …When C was out to sea for six months, I sent him the garter from the French maid’s costume I’d worn for him before he left. I’ve left a stocking in such a place that my partner would find it at perhaps not the best time. I had a friend from a game once that I had phone sex with a few times, and once he asked me to wear a pair of my lace elbow length gloves while I masturbated. He then asked me to send it to him. He says he still has it *grin. For some reason, that still really does make me grin.
Have you ever kept your partner's underwear as a souvenir? No. I’m not sure a pair of boxer shorts would be the same as a man with a pair of women’s panties. Maybe. *grin
Which pair of underwear would you give him/her? That all depends. Is there a certain kind he likes more than others? Is there a certain pair that I’ve worn specifically for him? That perhaps he picked out, or bought for me? Am I giving them to him clean or worn? Most lingerie is disposable. And I certainly don’t mind sparing them for a good cause ….
This process just keeps getting more and more fun …
Have you ever had sex with someone of the same sex? Yes. There have been a few occasions in my life where this opportunity has presented itself to me. The first time was while I was still in high school and I didn’t do it for attraction, I did it because my much older boyfriend wanted me to. The second time was with a close friend of mine. It only happened a few times, but it was a sweet and sexy. There have been a few other occasions after that, but it’s never been beyond just pure sex. I’ve not shied away from it, it just has come into my life.
Would you let someone of the same sex go down on you if you didn't have to touch them or return the favor? I would, sure, but I’m not sure what the point would be, unless it was part of a scene for either them or me. I can see it that way.
Have you ever had a one night stand? Yes. Not for a long time. And I don’t know if I’d be ever open to doing it again. Sex is so much better with someone you have a friendship or a connection with. You don’t get that with a one night stand. It’s not that I’m morally opposed to the idea, it’s just not conducive to me getting what I want out of a sexual experience.
Have you ever had sex on the first date? Yes. C and I met in a hotel between where I lived and Wyoming. 45 minutes after he walked in, we were having sex. I guess that’s what happens when you fall for someone on the Internet, right? When I was younger, sex on the first date was completely acceptable. I’d say more often than not. Though when I dated after my separation from C, the answer would be no. It wasn’t how I wanted to start a relationship with someone.
Have you ever had sex in public? Well, define public. I’ve had sex in a swinger’s club. I’ve had sex in cars. I’ve given blow jobs in moving cars and been partially exposed while doing it. I had sex out in the country, on the trunk of a car. So the answer is yes. For future reference, the answer would likely be yes if the opportunity presented itself in such a way that I felt comfortable doing it. The very idea of being caught, or being watched adds a whole new level of shiver to the experience.
Have you ever given your partner your underwear as a souvenir? Panties? No. However …When C was out to sea for six months, I sent him the garter from the French maid’s costume I’d worn for him before he left. I’ve left a stocking in such a place that my partner would find it at perhaps not the best time. I had a friend from a game once that I had phone sex with a few times, and once he asked me to wear a pair of my lace elbow length gloves while I masturbated. He then asked me to send it to him. He says he still has it *grin. For some reason, that still really does make me grin.
Have you ever kept your partner's underwear as a souvenir? No. I’m not sure a pair of boxer shorts would be the same as a man with a pair of women’s panties. Maybe. *grin
Which pair of underwear would you give him/her? That all depends. Is there a certain kind he likes more than others? Is there a certain pair that I’ve worn specifically for him? That perhaps he picked out, or bought for me? Am I giving them to him clean or worn? Most lingerie is disposable. And I certainly don’t mind sparing them for a good cause ….
This process just keeps getting more and more fun …
The Questionnaire, Part 4
Have you ever played fantasy with your partner? Yes *grin* There are so many possibilities here that I can’t even begin to list them all. I’ve written extensively about fantasy and it’s place in the bedroom, and I could seriously write a book on the subject (oooo….) Putting on a different persona with a partner allows you to explore pieces of your personality that you may or may not have known existed. It lets you try it on like an outfit and explore what it does for you. I have no issues with playing the fantasy game, and though it’s not something I’d want to do every time I had sex, it’s something I welcome in my sex life.
Have you or your partner ever pretended to be a vampire? Hah. No. That’s one I haven’t tried, although I do so enjoy being bitten …
Have you or your partner ever cross dressed and had sex? There’s another I haven’t considered or experienced. To be honest, I like men to be men, and women to be women and I’m not sure how I’d feel about doing this. I’d be all right trying it, but it’s not something I’d actively seek out.
Have you or your partner ever shaved off all your pubic hair? Both. I used to be completely shaved most of the time but now I just shave my inner/outer lips and trim the rest. I have no opposition shaving it all, but because I do not have a serious sex partner, it’s not a priority for me. I’ve been with me who were completely shaved, and it’s not my preference. Again, I like my men to be men … but then again …
How do you prefer your partner's pubic hair? Trimmed. While I don’t like my partner’s shaved, I’m not exactly attracted to overly long pubic hair either. The same issues men have with getting hair in their mouths during oral sex, women get, too. Just because we might not consistently go down to the root of your cock doesn’t mean the hair doesn’t sneak up on us *grin
Have you or your partner ever involved a fruit or vegetable in sex? Not that I can recall.
Have you ever had phone sex? Yes. I’ve had both good and bad experiences with this. If the man makes a little noise and can be creative along with me, mores the better. It can be incredibly fun to tease and torment someone over a phone line and to be teased and tormented in return. I enjoy the same things in that venue that I do in the flesh.
Have you ever had cybersex? Yes, and for me, it’s on the same lines as phone sex. Provided the other people stays engaged and creative and participates in it fully, it can be a lot of fun.
Have you ever had sex with someone you met in a chat room? Yes. I met both M and C on AOL several years ago. And if you consider mmorpg gaming as a ‘chat room’, then you can add two more to the list. I’d like to iterate that I didn’t just met someone and go fuck them. There was either a strong friendship or a potential for a serious relationship that formed online and over the phone and email before I even considered sleeping with any of them. I need to have that before I invite someone to come to me, or I fly across the country to someone else.
Have you ever been to a nudist camp or beach? No. And I’m not sure I’d be comfortable doing it. Nudists really don’t have much to do with raw sexuality. It’s more like a lifestyle.
Have you or your partner ever pretended to be a vampire? Hah. No. That’s one I haven’t tried, although I do so enjoy being bitten …
Have you or your partner ever cross dressed and had sex? There’s another I haven’t considered or experienced. To be honest, I like men to be men, and women to be women and I’m not sure how I’d feel about doing this. I’d be all right trying it, but it’s not something I’d actively seek out.
Have you or your partner ever shaved off all your pubic hair? Both. I used to be completely shaved most of the time but now I just shave my inner/outer lips and trim the rest. I have no opposition shaving it all, but because I do not have a serious sex partner, it’s not a priority for me. I’ve been with me who were completely shaved, and it’s not my preference. Again, I like my men to be men … but then again …
How do you prefer your partner's pubic hair? Trimmed. While I don’t like my partner’s shaved, I’m not exactly attracted to overly long pubic hair either. The same issues men have with getting hair in their mouths during oral sex, women get, too. Just because we might not consistently go down to the root of your cock doesn’t mean the hair doesn’t sneak up on us *grin
Have you or your partner ever involved a fruit or vegetable in sex? Not that I can recall.
Have you ever had phone sex? Yes. I’ve had both good and bad experiences with this. If the man makes a little noise and can be creative along with me, mores the better. It can be incredibly fun to tease and torment someone over a phone line and to be teased and tormented in return. I enjoy the same things in that venue that I do in the flesh.
Have you ever had cybersex? Yes, and for me, it’s on the same lines as phone sex. Provided the other people stays engaged and creative and participates in it fully, it can be a lot of fun.
Have you ever had sex with someone you met in a chat room? Yes. I met both M and C on AOL several years ago. And if you consider mmorpg gaming as a ‘chat room’, then you can add two more to the list. I’d like to iterate that I didn’t just met someone and go fuck them. There was either a strong friendship or a potential for a serious relationship that formed online and over the phone and email before I even considered sleeping with any of them. I need to have that before I invite someone to come to me, or I fly across the country to someone else.
Have you ever been to a nudist camp or beach? No. And I’m not sure I’d be comfortable doing it. Nudists really don’t have much to do with raw sexuality. It’s more like a lifestyle.
The Questionnaire , Part 3
If I'm not careful I'll finish this tonight *grin*. I'm actually enjoying working on this while watching TV, so I'll keep going until I hit a spot that I can't answer, or until I feel a need to do something else.
Have you ever had anal sex? Yes, many times, with several different partners.
Do you enjoy anal sex? I do. I’ve experimented with anal sex with most of my long term partners. My first experiences with it were not enjoyable. Whether that was from a lack of experience on both of our parts, or just a general attitude about the whole thing, they almost turned me off the possibilities that anal provides. My first husband wanted absolutely no part of it, not even a little exploration with hands. He just refused to talk about it or do it, and I accepted that. C and I tried it a few times when I moved to Wyoming but the fact his, his cock has a pretty strong bend in it and not in a way that made it comfortable for me, and it was a lot of work for him. M and I did it a few times but only when one of us was drunk. In between a few other partners, I have a pretty wide range of experience with it. It’s only been in the last several years that I’ve found a deep erotic experience from anal play, and I consider anal to be a sexual activity that I hope to continue to explore.
While having sex, would you like having your partner stick his/her finger in your ass? Oh yea. Anal play, aside from actual cock-in-ass sex, is extremely erotic for me. During sex or foreplay, playing with my ass or even inserting a finger or a toy adds to the experience and changes it into something completely different. I occasionally play myself when I masturbate, too.
Would you let a partner give you a rim job? Probably. It’s not something I have any experience with personally but it sounds incredibly sexy. I think as long as I felt clean I’d be perfectly comfortable with this.
Have you ever given a partner a rim job? Yes. Again, if my partner is clean, I see absolutely no problems with doing this, especially if I know he enjoys it. Part of what drives me in bed is knowing what makes my partner just absolutely melt into his own sexuality. And if knowing that my partner like to have his ass played with in this way, I’d take it on with great enthusiasm.
Some of my favorite subjects coming up in this questionnaire ..... *grin*
Have you ever had anal sex? Yes, many times, with several different partners.
Do you enjoy anal sex? I do. I’ve experimented with anal sex with most of my long term partners. My first experiences with it were not enjoyable. Whether that was from a lack of experience on both of our parts, or just a general attitude about the whole thing, they almost turned me off the possibilities that anal provides. My first husband wanted absolutely no part of it, not even a little exploration with hands. He just refused to talk about it or do it, and I accepted that. C and I tried it a few times when I moved to Wyoming but the fact his, his cock has a pretty strong bend in it and not in a way that made it comfortable for me, and it was a lot of work for him. M and I did it a few times but only when one of us was drunk. In between a few other partners, I have a pretty wide range of experience with it. It’s only been in the last several years that I’ve found a deep erotic experience from anal play, and I consider anal to be a sexual activity that I hope to continue to explore.
While having sex, would you like having your partner stick his/her finger in your ass? Oh yea. Anal play, aside from actual cock-in-ass sex, is extremely erotic for me. During sex or foreplay, playing with my ass or even inserting a finger or a toy adds to the experience and changes it into something completely different. I occasionally play myself when I masturbate, too.
Would you let a partner give you a rim job? Probably. It’s not something I have any experience with personally but it sounds incredibly sexy. I think as long as I felt clean I’d be perfectly comfortable with this.
Have you ever given a partner a rim job? Yes. Again, if my partner is clean, I see absolutely no problems with doing this, especially if I know he enjoys it. Part of what drives me in bed is knowing what makes my partner just absolutely melt into his own sexuality. And if knowing that my partner like to have his ass played with in this way, I’d take it on with great enthusiasm.
Some of my favorite subjects coming up in this questionnaire ..... *grin*
The Questionnaire , Part 2
Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex? No, but the concept of that is interesting to me. It’s not a tape that I’d keep; I’d want to erase it right after we watched it (and fucked again *smirk) but the idea of a mechanical voyeur appeals to me on some level. I don’t know if I’d be more inhibited or if I’d be able to relax and put the camera in the back of my mind. But I find the idea of it incredibly erotic.
What type of picture would you prefer to take for your partner? I like to tease. Pictures of myself naked would not be nearly erotic as me dressed in some sexy little outfit, simply because when I put on a piece of lingerie, it gives me some kind of charge, some kind of sexual power that makes my body quite ready for sex. Being naked for me isn’t sexual. Being dressed up to fuck is. When I look like I exerted some effort to show exactly how much I want someone to be with me, it feeds me as well as it feeds them. It lets me take that little slut inside myself to a whole new level.
Have you ever had sex with more than one partner in the same day? Yes, at the same time.
Do you like to receive oral sex? Short answer, yes. But it hasn’t always been that way. Most men will say that they love to go down on women but very very few actually do enjoy it. And frankly if the man isn’t enjoying eating me, I’m not going to get anything out of it, either, and for most of my sexual experience, that’s how it’s been. I did have a relatively recent experience that was better. But I guess the long answer is, it depends on the man.
When your partner goes down on you, and you are about to cum, what do you like him/her to do? A little bit of intensity and pain when I’m getting ready to cum will push me right over the head into a very hard orgasm.
Do you like to give oral sex? I do. I didn’t always, but I’ve discovered through my own sexual explorations just how erotic it can be for the giver as well as the receiver. I like to both be in control when I’ve giving head, and not be in control. The experiences are totally different, and both can be very exciting. I’ve had partners who didn’t enjoy receiving oral sex (no, really) and partners who couldn’t cum from it (no, again, really) and partners who liked it almost better than regular fucking. For me, a full on blow job is fun, and using oral as foreplay is fun. (There will be more on this in a future post)
Would you let your partner cum in your face? Yes. And have. And I love it. There is something so utterly guttural and primal about sharing that with a partner – letting them use your body as a receptacle for their cum. It’s dirty and hot and sexy and it’s something that I’ve grown to welcome as a side dish in the banquet of sex.
Have you ever let your partner cum in your mouth? Yes. I have never for the life of me understood women who don’t do this – or spit after. As long as your partner is healthy and hasn’t eaten anything weird, there is absolutely no reason to not give them the extra charge of cumming in your mouth.
Have you ever swallowed his/her cum? Yes. I can’t remember ever spitting. Ever.
Have you ever kissed your partner after he/she went down on you? Again, yes. Sharing that with your partner is incredible. And there is something very special to me about a man who doesn’t shy away from sticking his tongue in my mouth after I’ve sucked his cock, too. I’ve had partners who have utterly and absolutely refused to do this, and it just leaves me cold. It says to me that it’s okay for me to taste them, but they’re too good for it. Additionally, I think for a man, a woman tasting her own wetness off them gives them a bit of a ‘bisexual vibe’ that charges them up, and I like watching their eyes when they get that.
I’m enjoying filling this out. It’s opening a few doors for me that I hadn’t considered opening and you know how I love that ….
What type of picture would you prefer to take for your partner? I like to tease. Pictures of myself naked would not be nearly erotic as me dressed in some sexy little outfit, simply because when I put on a piece of lingerie, it gives me some kind of charge, some kind of sexual power that makes my body quite ready for sex. Being naked for me isn’t sexual. Being dressed up to fuck is. When I look like I exerted some effort to show exactly how much I want someone to be with me, it feeds me as well as it feeds them. It lets me take that little slut inside myself to a whole new level.
Have you ever had sex with more than one partner in the same day? Yes, at the same time.
Do you like to receive oral sex? Short answer, yes. But it hasn’t always been that way. Most men will say that they love to go down on women but very very few actually do enjoy it. And frankly if the man isn’t enjoying eating me, I’m not going to get anything out of it, either, and for most of my sexual experience, that’s how it’s been. I did have a relatively recent experience that was better. But I guess the long answer is, it depends on the man.
When your partner goes down on you, and you are about to cum, what do you like him/her to do? A little bit of intensity and pain when I’m getting ready to cum will push me right over the head into a very hard orgasm.
Do you like to give oral sex? I do. I didn’t always, but I’ve discovered through my own sexual explorations just how erotic it can be for the giver as well as the receiver. I like to both be in control when I’ve giving head, and not be in control. The experiences are totally different, and both can be very exciting. I’ve had partners who didn’t enjoy receiving oral sex (no, really) and partners who couldn’t cum from it (no, again, really) and partners who liked it almost better than regular fucking. For me, a full on blow job is fun, and using oral as foreplay is fun. (There will be more on this in a future post)
Would you let your partner cum in your face? Yes. And have. And I love it. There is something so utterly guttural and primal about sharing that with a partner – letting them use your body as a receptacle for their cum. It’s dirty and hot and sexy and it’s something that I’ve grown to welcome as a side dish in the banquet of sex.
Have you ever let your partner cum in your mouth? Yes. I have never for the life of me understood women who don’t do this – or spit after. As long as your partner is healthy and hasn’t eaten anything weird, there is absolutely no reason to not give them the extra charge of cumming in your mouth.
Have you ever swallowed his/her cum? Yes. I can’t remember ever spitting. Ever.
Have you ever kissed your partner after he/she went down on you? Again, yes. Sharing that with your partner is incredible. And there is something very special to me about a man who doesn’t shy away from sticking his tongue in my mouth after I’ve sucked his cock, too. I’ve had partners who have utterly and absolutely refused to do this, and it just leaves me cold. It says to me that it’s okay for me to taste them, but they’re too good for it. Additionally, I think for a man, a woman tasting her own wetness off them gives them a bit of a ‘bisexual vibe’ that charges them up, and I like watching their eyes when they get that.
I’m enjoying filling this out. It’s opening a few doors for me that I hadn’t considered opening and you know how I love that ….
The Questionnaire , Part 1
I got one of those "Read then erase my answers, insert your own and send on to 100 of your closest friends" emails the other day. You know the ones I'm talking about. Most of them ask inane questions about what you had for breakfast and when was the last time you cried.
This one was a little different though. I haven't answered it yet, and I know that I won't be sending it out to my '100 closest friends' because typically I abhor those kinds of emails to start with.
But I will answer it. Because it's about sex.
It's a lot of questions, so I'll break it up over the course of the next week or so. But some of them will be quick answers and some won't. Maybe it'll be inspiring to me. Or you.
I guess we'll see....
...go!
Do you masturbate? Uh, yea. Usually at least once a day, sometimes two or three times. Occasionally not at all, but that's pretty rare.
Have you ever masturbated for a partner while they sat and watched? Yes, and it's something that I enjoy when I am comfortable with the person. It's very arousing to share that.
Have you ever wanted to watch a partner masturbate? Yes, and I've asked several of them.
Have you ever had a partner masturbate for you while you sat and watched? Rarely, but I have watched a lover masturbate. I find that there are basically two schools of thought with a very thick line in between. Either men find it highly erotic to be watched, or they are deathly opposed to it. You can guess which kind I find more attractive.
When do you like to watch pornography? It's funny. I don't watch near as much of it as I have in the past. I have a bit on the computer and a few DVDs around. Maybe I should start looking into some classic stuff *smirk* I do enjoy watching porn with a partner and teasing while you watch. That’s not something I’ve gotten to experience very often but when I have, I’ve liked it.
Have you ever used sex toys? You're kidding right? Yes. I own several toys that are purely for sex. A couple of vibrators, a couple of anal plugs and a very special dildo that only comes out for special occasions *grin*. I don't always use a toy when I masturbate, but I do have a Hitachi Magic Wand under my bed, and typically use it if I get off before I go to sleep.
Have you ever stripped for a partner? Once. I would be much more comfortable doing it now. I've tried like hell to get into a strip aerobics class around here but they're always full. I do have Carmen Electra's DVD on the subject and I really should start using it. I also have Sheila Kelley's "The S Factor" book. I didn't used to enjoy having that much attention focused on me, especially when it involved something that felt bad to me, like showing off my body. For some reason, masturbating for someone doesn’t bring up the same feelings for me. Maybe because it’s more about sex than it is about me.
To be continued …
This one was a little different though. I haven't answered it yet, and I know that I won't be sending it out to my '100 closest friends' because typically I abhor those kinds of emails to start with.
But I will answer it. Because it's about sex.
It's a lot of questions, so I'll break it up over the course of the next week or so. But some of them will be quick answers and some won't. Maybe it'll be inspiring to me. Or you.
I guess we'll see....
...go!
Do you masturbate? Uh, yea. Usually at least once a day, sometimes two or three times. Occasionally not at all, but that's pretty rare.
Have you ever masturbated for a partner while they sat and watched? Yes, and it's something that I enjoy when I am comfortable with the person. It's very arousing to share that.
Have you ever wanted to watch a partner masturbate? Yes, and I've asked several of them.
Have you ever had a partner masturbate for you while you sat and watched? Rarely, but I have watched a lover masturbate. I find that there are basically two schools of thought with a very thick line in between. Either men find it highly erotic to be watched, or they are deathly opposed to it. You can guess which kind I find more attractive.
When do you like to watch pornography? It's funny. I don't watch near as much of it as I have in the past. I have a bit on the computer and a few DVDs around. Maybe I should start looking into some classic stuff *smirk* I do enjoy watching porn with a partner and teasing while you watch. That’s not something I’ve gotten to experience very often but when I have, I’ve liked it.
Have you ever used sex toys? You're kidding right? Yes. I own several toys that are purely for sex. A couple of vibrators, a couple of anal plugs and a very special dildo that only comes out for special occasions *grin*. I don't always use a toy when I masturbate, but I do have a Hitachi Magic Wand under my bed, and typically use it if I get off before I go to sleep.
Have you ever stripped for a partner? Once. I would be much more comfortable doing it now. I've tried like hell to get into a strip aerobics class around here but they're always full. I do have Carmen Electra's DVD on the subject and I really should start using it. I also have Sheila Kelley's "The S Factor" book. I didn't used to enjoy having that much attention focused on me, especially when it involved something that felt bad to me, like showing off my body. For some reason, masturbating for someone doesn’t bring up the same feelings for me. Maybe because it’s more about sex than it is about me.
To be continued …
Who's driving this car, anyway?
I told a friend of mine last night that I needed to start writing about sex again and write less about emotional bullshit. Sex is safe. Writing about sex can be somewhat impersonal (thought typically not how I write about it) and it's far less about the depth and breadth that is me.
I've been thinking about that this morning. I have a plethora of sexual topics in my little notebook at home that I have in mind to write about. And I have that piece of fiction still gnawing at my brain. I have a drive and a desire to get back to what I enjoy writing about. I'm not sure if it's avoidance of other topics, or just that I really feel a need to get back where I feel I belong.
I mean, my big audience here comes from my personal website. I'm sure that Google and the Blogspot searches bring people in, too. And I'm grateful to all of you who take the time to shoot me an email or make a comment on something I've written. But most people who find this blog and come back, time and time again to see if I'm actually writing or if I'm hiding again - come back because I write about things that drive them, too. And I doubt seriously there are many of the male readers who come to read about my clothing selections for a family wedding *smirk*.
Both of those things - the sexual side, and the emotionally intellectual side - are pieces of me, and can be in any percentage on any given day in any given hour.
But again. Writing about sex feels safer to me. That doesn't mean it is, of course, and I've stirred more than my fair share of pots over the years writing about fucking, submission and general sexuality issues.
Whichever direction I go changes from entry to entry and I'm sure will continue to throughout the course of my blogging history.
But I really want to write about sex *smirk*.
I've been thinking about that this morning. I have a plethora of sexual topics in my little notebook at home that I have in mind to write about. And I have that piece of fiction still gnawing at my brain. I have a drive and a desire to get back to what I enjoy writing about. I'm not sure if it's avoidance of other topics, or just that I really feel a need to get back where I feel I belong.
I mean, my big audience here comes from my personal website. I'm sure that Google and the Blogspot searches bring people in, too. And I'm grateful to all of you who take the time to shoot me an email or make a comment on something I've written. But most people who find this blog and come back, time and time again to see if I'm actually writing or if I'm hiding again - come back because I write about things that drive them, too. And I doubt seriously there are many of the male readers who come to read about my clothing selections for a family wedding *smirk*.
Both of those things - the sexual side, and the emotionally intellectual side - are pieces of me, and can be in any percentage on any given day in any given hour.
But again. Writing about sex feels safer to me. That doesn't mean it is, of course, and I've stirred more than my fair share of pots over the years writing about fucking, submission and general sexuality issues.
Whichever direction I go changes from entry to entry and I'm sure will continue to throughout the course of my blogging history.
But I really want to write about sex *smirk*.
Images
Yea, I took my picture off here. But not forever. Just until I get a new one.
I've had that red sweater picture as an avatar for the last year or more. And while it's a nice picture of me, I need to replace it.
I keep saying every weekend that I'm going to take new ones, and I never seem to get around to it. I made an appointment on Thursday to get my brows waxed and my hair trimmed and straightened, so that's my way of committing to myself that I'm actually going to take some this weekend.
I bought a cheap web cam this week. That's another commitment. Not to cam for anyone but to have it set up so that when the urge strikes me to take a picture, I can do it on the fly. For instance, on my list of blog topics is one about hands - I have great hands - and I want to take a picture of one to use in the blog. Trying to find my camera, check the batteries, turn it on, take it, download it, save it, edit it, upload it...geez that's a lot of messing around. The webcam will cut out some of those steps for me, and I can be free to be much more creative. At least, that's my thought.
When I got all dressed up Saturday night for my cousin's wedding, I actually took the time to do my makeup as well. I don't wear a lot of makeup; most of the time I don't wear any at all. I don't know if it's laziness or antipathy or just a hold-over from not wanting to draw any attention to myself that makes that so, but it is. I forget, until I actually take the time to do it right, that when I do my eyes and my lips, I do look pretty damn cute. I'm hoping new pictures around will remind me of that more often.
I always liked to add a picture to my blog entries. I'd like to do that and be able to use more pictures I take, and less that I take from the internet. It lets me me a little bit exhibitionistic (safely) and a little bit more creative, which is something that drives me.
We'll see how that goes *grin*.
I've had that red sweater picture as an avatar for the last year or more. And while it's a nice picture of me, I need to replace it.
I keep saying every weekend that I'm going to take new ones, and I never seem to get around to it. I made an appointment on Thursday to get my brows waxed and my hair trimmed and straightened, so that's my way of committing to myself that I'm actually going to take some this weekend.
I bought a cheap web cam this week. That's another commitment. Not to cam for anyone but to have it set up so that when the urge strikes me to take a picture, I can do it on the fly. For instance, on my list of blog topics is one about hands - I have great hands - and I want to take a picture of one to use in the blog. Trying to find my camera, check the batteries, turn it on, take it, download it, save it, edit it, upload it...geez that's a lot of messing around. The webcam will cut out some of those steps for me, and I can be free to be much more creative. At least, that's my thought.
When I got all dressed up Saturday night for my cousin's wedding, I actually took the time to do my makeup as well. I don't wear a lot of makeup; most of the time I don't wear any at all. I don't know if it's laziness or antipathy or just a hold-over from not wanting to draw any attention to myself that makes that so, but it is. I forget, until I actually take the time to do it right, that when I do my eyes and my lips, I do look pretty damn cute. I'm hoping new pictures around will remind me of that more often.
I always liked to add a picture to my blog entries. I'd like to do that and be able to use more pictures I take, and less that I take from the internet. It lets me me a little bit exhibitionistic (safely) and a little bit more creative, which is something that drives me.
We'll see how that goes *grin*.
Side Effects
Many years ago, while living in Wyoming with C for the first time, he got very upset with me about the fact that I could not take a compliment to save my life. He went so far as to tell me that it made him feel stupid to say something to me, and to have me deny it, or brush it off as if it didn't mean anything.
It's only been the past few years that I've really understood what he meant by that. At the time of his little speech, I couldn't allow myself to believe anything that he said about my physicality. He could compliment my writing or my intelligence anytime and I accepted that gracefully and thankfully, but one word about my physical appearance and I blushed profusely and shook my head at him, as if he were wrong.
He wasn't wrong. I was. (oh god and how he would love to be reading that about now. His favorite words from me, ever: "I was wrong.")
I realize that it's hard for someone to hear good things about themselves when they can't seem to dredge up anything internally to think about themselves in that way. I realize it, because I lived it for so many years. My change in attitude there is not all about the weight loss I've experienced. It's also about general self-esteem and actually feeling good about who I am most of the time.
But what those of us who have experienced, or do experience, a compliment that you can't mentally digest don't realize is how we're taking an act of genuineness from another human being and basically throwing it back in their face. They're trying to make us feel good. And we're making them feel bad for doing it.
In the case of C and I, my complete denial any time he told me I was pretty or sexy made him feel as if I were calling him stupid; that he didn't know what beauty was. No one likes being made to feel stupid. And no one likes to have their tastes challenged in such a way. He broke me of that, at least superficially, and I started to be able to look him in the eye and be able to just say 'thank you', even if I did still blush a little. I don't know if I ever truly believed it, but at least he broke me of making him feel like an idiot, which was as far from my intentions as I could have been.
You also have to bear in mind that if you think poorly of yourself for long enough, you start to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For many years, I wasn't 'seriously fat'. I was maybe a size 18, which is definitely overweight but not what I'd term 'obese' by any means. But I felt fat. And I looked fat. And I saw fat in the mirror. And I called myself fat. And I stopped caring about how I looked, because I didn't believe anyone *else cared about how I looked and then guess what? I got seriously fat.
I swear sometimes we do more damage to ourselves than anyone could ever do *to us.
It's hard to act with grace when someone says something sincere about yourself that you don't quite believe. But it can be overcome with a little work. You know you don't want to hurt your friend/lover/family member by denying their opinion - making them feel bad - right? A little inner grace, a small smile, a gracious thank you - can make the difference between a good moment and a bad moment.
Give yourself a good moment.
It's only been the past few years that I've really understood what he meant by that. At the time of his little speech, I couldn't allow myself to believe anything that he said about my physicality. He could compliment my writing or my intelligence anytime and I accepted that gracefully and thankfully, but one word about my physical appearance and I blushed profusely and shook my head at him, as if he were wrong.
He wasn't wrong. I was. (oh god and how he would love to be reading that about now. His favorite words from me, ever: "I was wrong.")
I realize that it's hard for someone to hear good things about themselves when they can't seem to dredge up anything internally to think about themselves in that way. I realize it, because I lived it for so many years. My change in attitude there is not all about the weight loss I've experienced. It's also about general self-esteem and actually feeling good about who I am most of the time.
But what those of us who have experienced, or do experience, a compliment that you can't mentally digest don't realize is how we're taking an act of genuineness from another human being and basically throwing it back in their face. They're trying to make us feel good. And we're making them feel bad for doing it.
In the case of C and I, my complete denial any time he told me I was pretty or sexy made him feel as if I were calling him stupid; that he didn't know what beauty was. No one likes being made to feel stupid. And no one likes to have their tastes challenged in such a way. He broke me of that, at least superficially, and I started to be able to look him in the eye and be able to just say 'thank you', even if I did still blush a little. I don't know if I ever truly believed it, but at least he broke me of making him feel like an idiot, which was as far from my intentions as I could have been.
You also have to bear in mind that if you think poorly of yourself for long enough, you start to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For many years, I wasn't 'seriously fat'. I was maybe a size 18, which is definitely overweight but not what I'd term 'obese' by any means. But I felt fat. And I looked fat. And I saw fat in the mirror. And I called myself fat. And I stopped caring about how I looked, because I didn't believe anyone *else cared about how I looked and then guess what? I got seriously fat.
I swear sometimes we do more damage to ourselves than anyone could ever do *to us.
It's hard to act with grace when someone says something sincere about yourself that you don't quite believe. But it can be overcome with a little work. You know you don't want to hurt your friend/lover/family member by denying their opinion - making them feel bad - right? A little inner grace, a small smile, a gracious thank you - can make the difference between a good moment and a bad moment.
Give yourself a good moment.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Better living through Expression
I realize I've posted a lot in the last week, especially considering that I haven't been writing at all for quite awhile. There's a reason for that. I'm just not sure what it is.
But I feel better when I'm writing. Even if it's about inane things like what I wore to the wedding and how little things affect me. I have a whole list of sexual topics to get back to (in case you're waiting for that :p) but getting back into the habit of writing itself takes a little time, and I'm working on that now.
I forget, when I'm mired down in a myriad of bullshit how much better I feel when I'm actually putting words to ...err...screen I guess. There are any number of things that keep me from doing that, but the baseline of it is -- I keep myself from doing it.
I have a piece of fiction (of the xrated variety) still in my head from a dream I had last week, and I hope to get around to that this week, too. If I can set my personal struggles aside long enough to open up my mind. That's typically where my writing stops; when I just don't have the mental and emotional energy to address is.
Fact is, as I've said before, my writing is very personal to me. Sharing things here is something I did not choose to do lightly. Publishing numerous stories, articles, and even my book of poetry was a pretty big leap of faith for me. As Anna Nallick says, in 2 AM
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
I can remember in times past, writing numerous stories for dominants I was involved in, and after the first two or three, the enthusiasm they showed (especially C in this case) dried up, and half the time, they didn't even acknowledge having read them. I found a way around that eventually, and many of those stories went on to be published in Prometheus and other magazines like that. They found an appreciative audience.
But because my words are so personal to me, having them go unacknowledged by someone they were written particularly for, was something I took personally. And while I try not to do that anymore, I do still occasionally run into it.
Then again, I've learned how to not take a lot of things personally. There is even a little post-it index card hanging on my desk at home that says "It has nothing to do with me." I needed it for awhile. I rarely have to look at it anymore.
Regardless, what I share here is different. And if you've ever been curious about why I don't post stories here in their entirety, that's a big part of the reason (the rest of it being that as with most writers on the internet, I have been ripped off before, and I'm not leaving myself open to having it happen again.).
But I feel better when I'm writing. Even if it's about inane things like what I wore to the wedding and how little things affect me. I have a whole list of sexual topics to get back to (in case you're waiting for that :p) but getting back into the habit of writing itself takes a little time, and I'm working on that now.
I forget, when I'm mired down in a myriad of bullshit how much better I feel when I'm actually putting words to ...err...screen I guess. There are any number of things that keep me from doing that, but the baseline of it is -- I keep myself from doing it.
I have a piece of fiction (of the xrated variety) still in my head from a dream I had last week, and I hope to get around to that this week, too. If I can set my personal struggles aside long enough to open up my mind. That's typically where my writing stops; when I just don't have the mental and emotional energy to address is.
Fact is, as I've said before, my writing is very personal to me. Sharing things here is something I did not choose to do lightly. Publishing numerous stories, articles, and even my book of poetry was a pretty big leap of faith for me. As Anna Nallick says, in 2 AM
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
I can remember in times past, writing numerous stories for dominants I was involved in, and after the first two or three, the enthusiasm they showed (especially C in this case) dried up, and half the time, they didn't even acknowledge having read them. I found a way around that eventually, and many of those stories went on to be published in Prometheus and other magazines like that. They found an appreciative audience.
But because my words are so personal to me, having them go unacknowledged by someone they were written particularly for, was something I took personally. And while I try not to do that anymore, I do still occasionally run into it.
Then again, I've learned how to not take a lot of things personally. There is even a little post-it index card hanging on my desk at home that says "It has nothing to do with me." I needed it for awhile. I rarely have to look at it anymore.
Regardless, what I share here is different. And if you've ever been curious about why I don't post stories here in their entirety, that's a big part of the reason (the rest of it being that as with most writers on the internet, I have been ripped off before, and I'm not leaving myself open to having it happen again.).
Dear Campy Camper
(This is reference to a comment I received back in January. )
You didn't leave me an email address - give me a holler at the one here, and we'll catch up.
You didn't leave me an email address - give me a holler at the one here, and we'll catch up.
Appropriate?
The wedding was great fun :) I'm glad that I went, and I even managed to keep from punching my sister out by keeping my back to her the entire time.
Apparently, cream/vanilla/beige are my colors. Everyone commented on my outfit at the wedding Saturday night and said that those colors looked wondeful on me.
How boring is THAT?
I picked the outfit because it was "family appropriate" and "wedding appropriate". There was nothing wrong with it, per se. It was a high-necked sweater with seed pearls sewn on the collar and cuffs, and a just-past-the-knee length linen skirt, and off-white heels. It was approrpriate for the wedding, and would be appropriate for a work function, or a social event that required better than jeans. All in all, it was fine.
But typically, I wear a lot of red, black, white, purple. Beige is... well, beige or off-white are just not in my wardrobe much. I don't wear a lot of dresses or heels. Not because I don't like them, but because I don't have them, or have need to buy them.
I actually bought 2 skirts. The grey-heather one I *really liked didn't feel as appropriate for the wedding, as it was a little shorter. But I'm glad I bought it. I will wear it somewhere and I bought a sweet pair of patent leather t-strap heels to go with it. The grey one is just more - me. It has some black pattern around the bottom of it and it's just more something that I would wear. I'll put a red sweater or blouse with it sometime and actually wear it.
Several years ago, M. bought me a leather trench coat in California. Vented, back-split, lined; it was - and is - a gorgeous coat - a sexy coat. When it got to be too big for me, I gave it to my mom, because she loves it, too. I don't own a long coat anymore, so I had asked her to bring it this weekend so I could wear it over my dress. I can wrap the sides of that coat around to my back now, it's so huge on me. But it did remind me why I loved that coat. And I see a new one in my future very soon. And hey, it's brown, same family as the vanilla/creme/beige, right? right? :)
There were two highlights of the night for me. One was getting to spend some time with my cousin and his wife, both of which I just adore. The other was the jaw-dropped looks on some people's faces who haven't seen me since I had the surgery. Priceless, I tell you.
In addition to that, I got to enjoy myself as a single woman at a function like this. I flirted, danced, had a good time being myself. Brought home a phone number but probably won't call it (shame he's not my type at all), and all in all enjoyed the day.
I also enjoyed the 7 hours over 2 days in the car, because I now have a full list of topics to blog again :)
Apparently, cream/vanilla/beige are my colors. Everyone commented on my outfit at the wedding Saturday night and said that those colors looked wondeful on me.
How boring is THAT?
I picked the outfit because it was "family appropriate" and "wedding appropriate". There was nothing wrong with it, per se. It was a high-necked sweater with seed pearls sewn on the collar and cuffs, and a just-past-the-knee length linen skirt, and off-white heels. It was approrpriate for the wedding, and would be appropriate for a work function, or a social event that required better than jeans. All in all, it was fine.
But typically, I wear a lot of red, black, white, purple. Beige is... well, beige or off-white are just not in my wardrobe much. I don't wear a lot of dresses or heels. Not because I don't like them, but because I don't have them, or have need to buy them.
I actually bought 2 skirts. The grey-heather one I *really liked didn't feel as appropriate for the wedding, as it was a little shorter. But I'm glad I bought it. I will wear it somewhere and I bought a sweet pair of patent leather t-strap heels to go with it. The grey one is just more - me. It has some black pattern around the bottom of it and it's just more something that I would wear. I'll put a red sweater or blouse with it sometime and actually wear it.
Several years ago, M. bought me a leather trench coat in California. Vented, back-split, lined; it was - and is - a gorgeous coat - a sexy coat. When it got to be too big for me, I gave it to my mom, because she loves it, too. I don't own a long coat anymore, so I had asked her to bring it this weekend so I could wear it over my dress. I can wrap the sides of that coat around to my back now, it's so huge on me. But it did remind me why I loved that coat. And I see a new one in my future very soon. And hey, it's brown, same family as the vanilla/creme/beige, right? right? :)
There were two highlights of the night for me. One was getting to spend some time with my cousin and his wife, both of which I just adore. The other was the jaw-dropped looks on some people's faces who haven't seen me since I had the surgery. Priceless, I tell you.
In addition to that, I got to enjoy myself as a single woman at a function like this. I flirted, danced, had a good time being myself. Brought home a phone number but probably won't call it (shame he's not my type at all), and all in all enjoyed the day.
I also enjoyed the 7 hours over 2 days in the car, because I now have a full list of topics to blog again :)
Friday, March 28, 2008
Identify
About six weeks ago, I had three inches chopped off my hair.
Now, anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my hair. It's probably the only thing about me that I'm truly vain about. But because it was down to my waist, and because it grew oddly right after the surgery, it was ragged looking and I wanted it to be more polished. So my beautician - sweet girl that she is - meekly said the most she'd have to take was 3 inches, then asked again a couple times to make sure I was sure before she put the scissors anywhere near me.
It truly did look awesome when she was done. She always straightens it for me, too, and it looks absolutely gorgeous when I leave the salon, every time. It still does look awesome, when I take the time to straighten it.
Now, I love the wave in my hair. Don't get me wrong. And when I put it up in a pony tail or in a headband, I let the wave do it's thing. I think it looks great.
But when I want to wear it down like I plan to for the wedding tomorrow, I straighten it out.
I struggled with wanting to cut it though. Because for so long, I have been "The girl with the long blonde hair". So I wondered if I cut it, would I lose part of what I've been?
I gave up saying that I was a submissive. While I believe that I have strong submissive tendencies and I know that being submissive to a dominant man in bed makes me whimper and beg like a ... well use your imagination... I am not A submissive anymore. I haven't been seriously submissive to anyone in well over 3 years and I can't imagine doing it 24/7 again anytime soon in my life, so I stopped identifying as one.
Do I need to be "the girl with the long blond hair"? No.
No. I think there's plenty of other things about me that are far more interesting than the 3 inches of hair I left laying on the beauty salon floor. I don't need to be identified by any one or two things.
Thank goodness *grin*
Now, anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my hair. It's probably the only thing about me that I'm truly vain about. But because it was down to my waist, and because it grew oddly right after the surgery, it was ragged looking and I wanted it to be more polished. So my beautician - sweet girl that she is - meekly said the most she'd have to take was 3 inches, then asked again a couple times to make sure I was sure before she put the scissors anywhere near me.
It truly did look awesome when she was done. She always straightens it for me, too, and it looks absolutely gorgeous when I leave the salon, every time. It still does look awesome, when I take the time to straighten it.
Now, I love the wave in my hair. Don't get me wrong. And when I put it up in a pony tail or in a headband, I let the wave do it's thing. I think it looks great.
But when I want to wear it down like I plan to for the wedding tomorrow, I straighten it out.
I struggled with wanting to cut it though. Because for so long, I have been "The girl with the long blonde hair". So I wondered if I cut it, would I lose part of what I've been?
I gave up saying that I was a submissive. While I believe that I have strong submissive tendencies and I know that being submissive to a dominant man in bed makes me whimper and beg like a ... well use your imagination... I am not A submissive anymore. I haven't been seriously submissive to anyone in well over 3 years and I can't imagine doing it 24/7 again anytime soon in my life, so I stopped identifying as one.
Do I need to be "the girl with the long blond hair"? No.
No. I think there's plenty of other things about me that are far more interesting than the 3 inches of hair I left laying on the beauty salon floor. I don't need to be identified by any one or two things.
Thank goodness *grin*
Beautiful and Sexy
I seem to be carrying themes today. So I’ll just stick with that. Whatever works, right?
On the subject of positive body confidence – comes this: What makes sexy and beautiful?
Many days, I wake up, brush my hair, look in the mirror and am pleased with what I see. Of course I’d like to get these last 15 pounds off and of course I’d like my skin to be clearer and brighter and of course I’d like my tits to be perfect little ski slopes, but all in all, I’m pretty pleased.
Then there are other days when I am displeased with my appearance. Not painfully so, but enough that I stare into the reflection and give myself a little pep talk about how far I’ve come and how in the back of my mind I know that I’ve gone from who I was to who I am.
And who am I?
I’m a sexy bitch.
That doesn’t all come from the outside. As a matter of fact, the majority of it comes from the inside. As I’ve grown up (and smaller), I’ve accepted that this is who I am.
There are spiritual beings that base their lives on their beliefs. There are family beings that base the value of their lives on having and raising children. There are work-aholics, bar-aholics and game-aholics. Everyone, at some point in their life, has something that they are passionate about. And for the last 20 years or so, for me, that has been sex.
I don’t mean having it non-stop. I mean living it. To me, there is a huge difference. Passion for sex is about much more than the physical aspects of it.
So it’s not such a leap for someone who doesn’t necessarily have the perfect body to be able to look into the mirror and say, “I am a sexy bitch.” I’m not afraid to try something new. I’m not afraid to wear something outrageous. I’m not afraid to let someone direct me and I’m not afraid to direct someone else. There is so little that I fear when it comes to sex. I wish I could carry that fearlessness into all parts of my life.
You don’t have to be a size 2 with C tits to be beautiful and sexy. You don’t have to be 6’4” with blue eyes and blonde hair and perfectly defined abs to be beautiful and sexy, either.
You just have to know, inside yourself, that you are – beautiful and sexy.
On the subject of positive body confidence – comes this: What makes sexy and beautiful?
Many days, I wake up, brush my hair, look in the mirror and am pleased with what I see. Of course I’d like to get these last 15 pounds off and of course I’d like my skin to be clearer and brighter and of course I’d like my tits to be perfect little ski slopes, but all in all, I’m pretty pleased.
Then there are other days when I am displeased with my appearance. Not painfully so, but enough that I stare into the reflection and give myself a little pep talk about how far I’ve come and how in the back of my mind I know that I’ve gone from who I was to who I am.
And who am I?
I’m a sexy bitch.
That doesn’t all come from the outside. As a matter of fact, the majority of it comes from the inside. As I’ve grown up (and smaller), I’ve accepted that this is who I am.
There are spiritual beings that base their lives on their beliefs. There are family beings that base the value of their lives on having and raising children. There are work-aholics, bar-aholics and game-aholics. Everyone, at some point in their life, has something that they are passionate about. And for the last 20 years or so, for me, that has been sex.
I don’t mean having it non-stop. I mean living it. To me, there is a huge difference. Passion for sex is about much more than the physical aspects of it.
So it’s not such a leap for someone who doesn’t necessarily have the perfect body to be able to look into the mirror and say, “I am a sexy bitch.” I’m not afraid to try something new. I’m not afraid to wear something outrageous. I’m not afraid to let someone direct me and I’m not afraid to direct someone else. There is so little that I fear when it comes to sex. I wish I could carry that fearlessness into all parts of my life.
You don’t have to be a size 2 with C tits to be beautiful and sexy. You don’t have to be 6’4” with blue eyes and blonde hair and perfectly defined abs to be beautiful and sexy, either.
You just have to know, inside yourself, that you are – beautiful and sexy.
Style
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
I don't know about grateful. But I do know that he's right.
I'd much rather get naked, or at least down to some cute little piece of lingerie with a man that I would with a woman.
I'm definitely not 'fully there' with body confidence yet. But I do know that I look better than I did three years ago. This weekend, I'm going to see my cousin whom I haven't seen in a long time. The last picture of myself before my surgery that I have is one that was taken with him. This weekend, I'm getting a new picture to set besides it. Before and almost-after. Then, and now.
I went to see a plastic surgeon last year, to see what can be done about the issues that have arisen with my body since I lost all of this weight. Things are not where they're supposed to be. Things do not look like they're supposed to look. And while I don't believe for a minute that I'm a freak of nature or anything, I do know that I can definitely look better than I do right now.
Sure. Soon as I come up with the 25 grand it'll cost to repair all this damage I did to myself for so many years.
In the meantime, there is muscle definition I could build and strength I can gain. I do exercise occasionally but not nearly as much as I should. It's not even that I lack motivation for it - I don't. It's that I seem to lack energy by the time I get home from work every night. I need to find it, though. I know I can do better.
But regardless of the issues I have with all that, again, I know that I look better naked, I have more energy once I am naked and I feel much more comfortable with my surroundings and anyone I happen to be naked with.
Male, that is.
I still don't think I have very good perception as far as what I really look like now as opposed to what I think I look like. But it's getting better.
But I continue to look at other women -- how they dress, how they carry themselves, and compare them to me. We all do that, either consciously or subconsciously (women that is). I catch myself saying "I'd never wear that outfit, it makes her look fat." or "that sweater looks makes her chest look huge". I don't think these are bad things, and I don't think women as a whole are bad for thinking them or occasionally saying them to someone that you're comfortable saying it to.
My style for most of my life has been "Whatever makes me not look fat." If it was red, it was a bonus. If it was black and white, another bonus. And if it was slightly bohemian - score! Had I been the size I am now for most of my life, I'd have probably been one of those girls who dresses like Stevie Nicks. All flowy skirts and high heeled boots. I love that stuff. But now I'm kind of a jeans and sweater girl. Jeans can hide a multitude of things, providing you don't wear them like a sausage skin. And sweaters -- well,sweaters are every girl's friend. For the most part, that part of my style hasn't changed.
But what I wear under stuff certainly has.
I refuse to wear cheap bras anymore. While I'd still wearing a 36DD, (I'd rather be a 36D, but hey, I'll take what I can get), I can get stylish and pretty bras in my size from Victoria's Secret. I won't buy a bra from anywhere else right now, because I like theirs, and they fit me perfectly.
Panties, however, are a whole other story.
I never gave much thought to them before the last three years. They were a necessary evil (except when I was with M. Then, they were totally off limits), and they just did their job. Now though, I'm much pickier about what I wear under my jeans. I'll bet I have 40 pairs in my drawer right now. Thongs, bikinis, boyshorts, tangas. Anything I see that looks like something I'd like, I buy it. I guess I've gotten a little addicted in that regard. What I put on in the morning depends wholly on my mood -- or -- the mood I want to set for the day. Whether I wear any to bed or not depends totally on my feeling as of the moment I get undressed. They've become more than a necessary evil; they are a wardrobe mood-setter.
Fun, huh? :)
I get catalogs from both Frederick's and VS on a weekly basis. I almost have to make myself throw them away anymore *grin*.
I guess I could have a worse addiction.
So, should all of that make some male that I get naked with feel grateful? Not unless it's because he's found himself someone who enjoys looking as good as she can with what she's got.
Because when I look good, I feel good.
And when I feel good, I'm unstoppable *grin*.
Robert De Niro
I don't know about grateful. But I do know that he's right.
I'd much rather get naked, or at least down to some cute little piece of lingerie with a man that I would with a woman.
I'm definitely not 'fully there' with body confidence yet. But I do know that I look better than I did three years ago. This weekend, I'm going to see my cousin whom I haven't seen in a long time. The last picture of myself before my surgery that I have is one that was taken with him. This weekend, I'm getting a new picture to set besides it. Before and almost-after. Then, and now.
I went to see a plastic surgeon last year, to see what can be done about the issues that have arisen with my body since I lost all of this weight. Things are not where they're supposed to be. Things do not look like they're supposed to look. And while I don't believe for a minute that I'm a freak of nature or anything, I do know that I can definitely look better than I do right now.
Sure. Soon as I come up with the 25 grand it'll cost to repair all this damage I did to myself for so many years.
In the meantime, there is muscle definition I could build and strength I can gain. I do exercise occasionally but not nearly as much as I should. It's not even that I lack motivation for it - I don't. It's that I seem to lack energy by the time I get home from work every night. I need to find it, though. I know I can do better.
But regardless of the issues I have with all that, again, I know that I look better naked, I have more energy once I am naked and I feel much more comfortable with my surroundings and anyone I happen to be naked with.
Male, that is.
I still don't think I have very good perception as far as what I really look like now as opposed to what I think I look like. But it's getting better.
But I continue to look at other women -- how they dress, how they carry themselves, and compare them to me. We all do that, either consciously or subconsciously (women that is). I catch myself saying "I'd never wear that outfit, it makes her look fat." or "that sweater looks makes her chest look huge". I don't think these are bad things, and I don't think women as a whole are bad for thinking them or occasionally saying them to someone that you're comfortable saying it to.
My style for most of my life has been "Whatever makes me not look fat." If it was red, it was a bonus. If it was black and white, another bonus. And if it was slightly bohemian - score! Had I been the size I am now for most of my life, I'd have probably been one of those girls who dresses like Stevie Nicks. All flowy skirts and high heeled boots. I love that stuff. But now I'm kind of a jeans and sweater girl. Jeans can hide a multitude of things, providing you don't wear them like a sausage skin. And sweaters -- well,sweaters are every girl's friend. For the most part, that part of my style hasn't changed.
But what I wear under stuff certainly has.
I refuse to wear cheap bras anymore. While I'd still wearing a 36DD, (I'd rather be a 36D, but hey, I'll take what I can get), I can get stylish and pretty bras in my size from Victoria's Secret. I won't buy a bra from anywhere else right now, because I like theirs, and they fit me perfectly.
Panties, however, are a whole other story.
I never gave much thought to them before the last three years. They were a necessary evil (except when I was with M. Then, they were totally off limits), and they just did their job. Now though, I'm much pickier about what I wear under my jeans. I'll bet I have 40 pairs in my drawer right now. Thongs, bikinis, boyshorts, tangas. Anything I see that looks like something I'd like, I buy it. I guess I've gotten a little addicted in that regard. What I put on in the morning depends wholly on my mood -- or -- the mood I want to set for the day. Whether I wear any to bed or not depends totally on my feeling as of the moment I get undressed. They've become more than a necessary evil; they are a wardrobe mood-setter.
Fun, huh? :)
I get catalogs from both Frederick's and VS on a weekly basis. I almost have to make myself throw them away anymore *grin*.
I guess I could have a worse addiction.
So, should all of that make some male that I get naked with feel grateful? Not unless it's because he's found himself someone who enjoys looking as good as she can with what she's got.
Because when I look good, I feel good.
And when I feel good, I'm unstoppable *grin*.
Balconies
...and then I finally finished the one about the balcony last month, too.
“But you’re probably right.” He said, reaching down and pulling her chemise up over her ass, exposing it and her cunt to the warm air. “I probably will fuck you. Well, on one condition.”
She swallowed again. “And what’s that?”
“You’ll have to be quiet.” He teased.
Taking a deep breath in, she replied. “I can probably manage that.”
“Probably? If you can’t, we’ll have to settle for …”
“I can. I can.” She quickly said.
“Good girl.” He ran his hand lightly over her ass, and then slapped it, and listened with a grin as she sucked in her breath.
“That’s not helping.”
“Who said I had to help?”
She groaned, but pushed her ass backward toward his hand all the same.
“You’re wet for me.”
“Yes.” She whispered.
“So soon after I fucked your ass…”
“Yes.”
He tsked at her. “Such a slut.”
“This is news?” she asked, rotating her hips a little, to stay in contact with his hand.
“Hush.” He slapped her ass again, and knew she was grinning. “Don’t make me change my mind about sliding my thick, hard cock into your pussy.”
She moaned softly, and moved her hips back toward him. “Don’t …”
“Don’t?”
“Don’t change your mind …”
“Ask me nicely.” He whispered, leaning over her and grinding against her ass.
She let out a long breath, and said very quietly. “Please fuck me.”
“Please?”
She nodded vigorously. “Please… I want your cock.”
He parted the towel, and guided his cock out of it, rubbing it across her ass. “Are you sure you can be quiet?”
“I’m sure.” She said, her voice barely audible, almost lost in the breeze.
“I hope so.” He took his cock in his hand and parted her slick outer lips with it. “We don’t want to call any attention to ourselves, do we?”
She suppressed a smirk. “No… we don’t.”
“Why don’t I believe you?” he asked, sliding the head of his cock up and down between her legs.
“But you’re probably right.” He said, reaching down and pulling her chemise up over her ass, exposing it and her cunt to the warm air. “I probably will fuck you. Well, on one condition.”
She swallowed again. “And what’s that?”
“You’ll have to be quiet.” He teased.
Taking a deep breath in, she replied. “I can probably manage that.”
“Probably? If you can’t, we’ll have to settle for …”
“I can. I can.” She quickly said.
“Good girl.” He ran his hand lightly over her ass, and then slapped it, and listened with a grin as she sucked in her breath.
“That’s not helping.”
“Who said I had to help?”
She groaned, but pushed her ass backward toward his hand all the same.
“You’re wet for me.”
“Yes.” She whispered.
“So soon after I fucked your ass…”
“Yes.”
He tsked at her. “Such a slut.”
“This is news?” she asked, rotating her hips a little, to stay in contact with his hand.
“Hush.” He slapped her ass again, and knew she was grinning. “Don’t make me change my mind about sliding my thick, hard cock into your pussy.”
She moaned softly, and moved her hips back toward him. “Don’t …”
“Don’t?”
“Don’t change your mind …”
“Ask me nicely.” He whispered, leaning over her and grinding against her ass.
She let out a long breath, and said very quietly. “Please fuck me.”
“Please?”
She nodded vigorously. “Please… I want your cock.”
He parted the towel, and guided his cock out of it, rubbing it across her ass. “Are you sure you can be quiet?”
“I’m sure.” She said, her voice barely audible, almost lost in the breeze.
“I hope so.” He took his cock in his hand and parted her slick outer lips with it. “We don’t want to call any attention to ourselves, do we?”
She suppressed a smirk. “No… we don’t.”
“Why don’t I believe you?” he asked, sliding the head of his cock up and down between her legs.
"Show Me"
I realize I haven't posted many fiction snippets lately. Mostly because I haven't written much. I'm very disappointed about that. I miss it.
Here's something from a relatively recently finished one. Earlier this year, I think.
Enjoy~
I leaned back and moaned. To anyone else, it might look like an ordinary toy, but to me, it was something else. It was his cock. The shape and size were alarmingly similar, almost as if it had been made from a mold of him. I bought it for no other reason; it was for me to have when I couldn’t have him.
I planted my feet firmly on the bed, and lifted my hips up slightly, angling toward the toy.
My back arched up off the bed a little as I pushed more firmly. I felt myself get wetter as the toy pushed me apart and I stretched to accommodate it, shuddering a little.
He didn’t speak. But when my eyes fluttered open, his gaze was fixed firmly between my thighs, watching. That made me take another deep breath, and whimper. His eyes flashed up and caught me watching him.
“What are you watching when you fuck yourself and I’m not here?”
“Nothing.” I whispered.
“Are you fantasizing about me pushing into you? Are you remembering a time when I fucked you hard and fast?”
“Yes.” I pushed the dildo deeper inside myself, feeling my walls expand to accept it greedily, just like they did when it was his cock.
“Then you should do that. And tell me.”
I closed my eyes tightly, feeling my legs shake as I pulled the latex cock out, just to the head, before pushing it back in, deeper.
“Tell you … what I fantasize about?” I asked between gasps.
“Yes.”
I was silent for a moment, my hand toying with the dildo, turning it back and forth a little. “I think about you fucking me from behind.”
“Where?” He asked insistently. I felt the bed move a little, and opened my eyes. His hand was wrapped solidly around his cock again. My legs shook a little, and I pushed the dildo further inside me, gasping as I tried to answer.
“Here. In that hotel. Bent over my desk…”
“It changes.”
I nodded. My left hand slide down the front of the chemise and landed between my thighs, my index finger hovering over my clit again, as I struggled to push the dildo deeper yet inside me, wetting it, getting ready. “It does.”
“Why that? Why not you riding me? Or me lying on top of you?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, and pushed the dildo in deeper; as far as it would go, and let out a whimper. I started to slide it back out slowly, and then pushed it back in hard before I answered. “Because that’s how you like me best.”
He chuckled a little. “Even when she’s getting off for herself, my little slut is always thinking about what I want, hm?”
My index finger started to dance on the top of my clit, and I spread my thighs a little more before starting to fuck myself properly with the toy. “I just know that when you’re getting what you want, I’m getting what I want.” I eeked out.
“Good girl.”
Here's something from a relatively recently finished one. Earlier this year, I think.
Enjoy~
I leaned back and moaned. To anyone else, it might look like an ordinary toy, but to me, it was something else. It was his cock. The shape and size were alarmingly similar, almost as if it had been made from a mold of him. I bought it for no other reason; it was for me to have when I couldn’t have him.
I planted my feet firmly on the bed, and lifted my hips up slightly, angling toward the toy.
My back arched up off the bed a little as I pushed more firmly. I felt myself get wetter as the toy pushed me apart and I stretched to accommodate it, shuddering a little.
He didn’t speak. But when my eyes fluttered open, his gaze was fixed firmly between my thighs, watching. That made me take another deep breath, and whimper. His eyes flashed up and caught me watching him.
“What are you watching when you fuck yourself and I’m not here?”
“Nothing.” I whispered.
“Are you fantasizing about me pushing into you? Are you remembering a time when I fucked you hard and fast?”
“Yes.” I pushed the dildo deeper inside myself, feeling my walls expand to accept it greedily, just like they did when it was his cock.
“Then you should do that. And tell me.”
I closed my eyes tightly, feeling my legs shake as I pulled the latex cock out, just to the head, before pushing it back in, deeper.
“Tell you … what I fantasize about?” I asked between gasps.
“Yes.”
I was silent for a moment, my hand toying with the dildo, turning it back and forth a little. “I think about you fucking me from behind.”
“Where?” He asked insistently. I felt the bed move a little, and opened my eyes. His hand was wrapped solidly around his cock again. My legs shook a little, and I pushed the dildo further inside me, gasping as I tried to answer.
“Here. In that hotel. Bent over my desk…”
“It changes.”
I nodded. My left hand slide down the front of the chemise and landed between my thighs, my index finger hovering over my clit again, as I struggled to push the dildo deeper yet inside me, wetting it, getting ready. “It does.”
“Why that? Why not you riding me? Or me lying on top of you?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, and pushed the dildo in deeper; as far as it would go, and let out a whimper. I started to slide it back out slowly, and then pushed it back in hard before I answered. “Because that’s how you like me best.”
He chuckled a little. “Even when she’s getting off for herself, my little slut is always thinking about what I want, hm?”
My index finger started to dance on the top of my clit, and I spread my thighs a little more before starting to fuck myself properly with the toy. “I just know that when you’re getting what you want, I’m getting what I want.” I eeked out.
“Good girl.”
Ego and Sexuality
Writing about ego, and then writing about sex brings up an interesting topic.
Let's be honest. There are people in this world whose whole identities are wrapped around their sexuality - how they look, how they fuck, and how they look while fucking. Narcissism at it's finest? Or just a lack of self-esteem in other areas of their lives?
And there are other people who simply don't get laid because they think they're bad at it. They'd rather jack off in the privacy of their own bathrooms than risk being laughed at - or pitied - in someone else's bedroom.
People exist that feel that their sexual prowess is their only redeeming quality. Oh - they'd never say that, of course. But you can see it in them if you look closely enough (and you know that I do).
I can't remember a time in my life that I've thought of myself as a lousy lay. Even when I was very heavy, my sexuality tended to supersede any insecurity I felt about being naked with someone, and I tended to enjoy sex completely. (which undoubtedly goes back to the whole "sex is better when I like someone and feel comfortable with them" thing). I may have not been as open as I am now, and I might have had a few more insecurities, but I think I always had a healthy sexual self-esteem.
What a shame I didn't have it out of the sack , too. Better late than never, I suppose *wink*
I think that our sexual-self-esteem has a lot more to do with how we feel about ourselves overall than people believe. You can be an insecure, beautiful woman or a butt-ugly, confident man - why? Because contrary to what the makeup and fashion industries would tell you in this country -- there's more to it than looking good. There's also believing that you *are* good. And part of that *good* is believing that you can entice a member of the opposite (or same!) sex into the sack.
Confidence in yourself can make up the miles between beautiful and butt-ugly. It can also take you quite the opposite way if you don't believe in yourself.
Having said that, one of the biggest 'ick' factors I have ever encountered in bed with someone is arrogance. The line (ooo another line yikes) between healthy self-confidence and arrogance is not all that thick. You can go from "This is fun, we are great together" to "You should be cumming every 20 seconds because seriously, I am just that good. Why aren't you more flattered that I'm fucking you?" in less time than it takes to slip a condom on. Luckily, I haven't encountered much of that.
Why?
Because I'm goddamn picky, that's why :)
Let's be honest. There are people in this world whose whole identities are wrapped around their sexuality - how they look, how they fuck, and how they look while fucking. Narcissism at it's finest? Or just a lack of self-esteem in other areas of their lives?
And there are other people who simply don't get laid because they think they're bad at it. They'd rather jack off in the privacy of their own bathrooms than risk being laughed at - or pitied - in someone else's bedroom.
People exist that feel that their sexual prowess is their only redeeming quality. Oh - they'd never say that, of course. But you can see it in them if you look closely enough (and you know that I do).
I can't remember a time in my life that I've thought of myself as a lousy lay. Even when I was very heavy, my sexuality tended to supersede any insecurity I felt about being naked with someone, and I tended to enjoy sex completely. (which undoubtedly goes back to the whole "sex is better when I like someone and feel comfortable with them" thing). I may have not been as open as I am now, and I might have had a few more insecurities, but I think I always had a healthy sexual self-esteem.
What a shame I didn't have it out of the sack , too. Better late than never, I suppose *wink*
I think that our sexual-self-esteem has a lot more to do with how we feel about ourselves overall than people believe. You can be an insecure, beautiful woman or a butt-ugly, confident man - why? Because contrary to what the makeup and fashion industries would tell you in this country -- there's more to it than looking good. There's also believing that you *are* good. And part of that *good* is believing that you can entice a member of the opposite (or same!) sex into the sack.
Confidence in yourself can make up the miles between beautiful and butt-ugly. It can also take you quite the opposite way if you don't believe in yourself.
Having said that, one of the biggest 'ick' factors I have ever encountered in bed with someone is arrogance. The line (ooo another line yikes) between healthy self-confidence and arrogance is not all that thick. You can go from "This is fun, we are great together" to "You should be cumming every 20 seconds because seriously, I am just that good. Why aren't you more flattered that I'm fucking you?" in less time than it takes to slip a condom on. Luckily, I haven't encountered much of that.
Why?
Because I'm goddamn picky, that's why :)
No Stifling Allowed
While I happen to be a big fan of sex in mostly all of it’s forms and I love to talk about it, dream about it, write about it and do it, it’s still a very personal thing to me. I think that because of my weight for most of my life, I either went one of two ways – casual, mostly anonymous sex, or sex in a serious relationship. In other words, it’s either someone I barely knew, or someone I was close to.
I'm not a big fan of anonymous sex anymore. In addition to the fact that it's now lethal, it just never leaves me with a very good feeling. For me, sex doesn't need to be with someone I love, but it certainly needs to be with someone I *like*. It's not for any moral reason, it's just because that for me to cut loose sexually, I need to have a little trust and faith in the person I'm cutting loose with.
The whole idea of having sex where I can't cut loose - where I feel like I have to hold back - is repugnant to me. It's pointless. I'm not going to get from it what I want to get from it, and as with indifference, pointless aggravates me. Cutting loose - being able to writhe and moan and whimper and beg - these are things that make sex work for me. Even occasionally not being able to do those things; to have the ability removed by place or time - adds to it. But removing them from the activity because I don't feel comfortable enough with the person I'm with is not something I enjoy feeling.
I dislike being stifled, be that sexually or otherwise. And putting myself into a position where that's the only possible outcome is not conducive to me getting back into my creative cycle.
I'm not a big fan of anonymous sex anymore. In addition to the fact that it's now lethal, it just never leaves me with a very good feeling. For me, sex doesn't need to be with someone I love, but it certainly needs to be with someone I *like*. It's not for any moral reason, it's just because that for me to cut loose sexually, I need to have a little trust and faith in the person I'm cutting loose with.
The whole idea of having sex where I can't cut loose - where I feel like I have to hold back - is repugnant to me. It's pointless. I'm not going to get from it what I want to get from it, and as with indifference, pointless aggravates me. Cutting loose - being able to writhe and moan and whimper and beg - these are things that make sex work for me. Even occasionally not being able to do those things; to have the ability removed by place or time - adds to it. But removing them from the activity because I don't feel comfortable enough with the person I'm with is not something I enjoy feeling.
I dislike being stifled, be that sexually or otherwise. And putting myself into a position where that's the only possible outcome is not conducive to me getting back into my creative cycle.
Fuel for Creativity
I draw a great deal of my creativity from sexual energy, be that flesh-on-flesh energy or simply energy that comes from inside me at certain times when I am inspired. Sexual energy fuels my need to create.
When I'm not feeling very sexual (and yes, it does happen), I lose my urge to create.
I started making soap again recently. It started with a comment from my Mom that she was out of the Lavender-Oatmeal soap I made for her, and ended up with me making 8 batches of soap out of supplies I still had. Then I ordered some more. And some new molds. It was a very nice couple weekends, but I've put it on hold for now because I ran out of drying room :) Creating that helped some. It broke me out of the deadzone, but it's not the same for me as writing.
I've mentioned in the past that I have a "friend" that I see occasionally for a weekend. Every 3-4-5 months or so. Typically when I come home from those kinds of weekends, my sexual energy is recharged, and I write. I write here, I write fiction, I write emails. The internal juices start flowing (as the external ones did during the weekend *smirk*) and my vigor is renewed.
Well, the ego bruise (see my last couple posts) got in the way of that this time, and it was frustrating for me. I liken it to being half way to an orgasm and stopping cold, and not going back to finish it in a timely fashion. I don’t like that feeling. It's also like being yanked out of subspace by a rude comment or a mis-directed whip shot.
I'm usually pretty good at pulling myself out of a funk, but this one took a little longer than I'm used to. And it's probably because I just couldn't put my finger on what caused it.
I'm hoping to fix that this weekend. My cousin's (I come from a small family; one first cousin!) daughter is getting married this weekend, and I intend to flirt with all of my cousin's friends. *grin*. Maybe I can find a way to recharge the energy I lost last week and put it to good use.
At least I hope so.
Because I have a lot I'd really like to write about, and I want that sexual energy back to push that forward.
When I'm not feeling very sexual (and yes, it does happen), I lose my urge to create.
I started making soap again recently. It started with a comment from my Mom that she was out of the Lavender-Oatmeal soap I made for her, and ended up with me making 8 batches of soap out of supplies I still had. Then I ordered some more. And some new molds. It was a very nice couple weekends, but I've put it on hold for now because I ran out of drying room :) Creating that helped some. It broke me out of the deadzone, but it's not the same for me as writing.
I've mentioned in the past that I have a "friend" that I see occasionally for a weekend. Every 3-4-5 months or so. Typically when I come home from those kinds of weekends, my sexual energy is recharged, and I write. I write here, I write fiction, I write emails. The internal juices start flowing (as the external ones did during the weekend *smirk*) and my vigor is renewed.
Well, the ego bruise (see my last couple posts) got in the way of that this time, and it was frustrating for me. I liken it to being half way to an orgasm and stopping cold, and not going back to finish it in a timely fashion. I don’t like that feeling. It's also like being yanked out of subspace by a rude comment or a mis-directed whip shot.
I'm usually pretty good at pulling myself out of a funk, but this one took a little longer than I'm used to. And it's probably because I just couldn't put my finger on what caused it.
I'm hoping to fix that this weekend. My cousin's (I come from a small family; one first cousin!) daughter is getting married this weekend, and I intend to flirt with all of my cousin's friends. *grin*. Maybe I can find a way to recharge the energy I lost last week and put it to good use.
At least I hope so.
Because I have a lot I'd really like to write about, and I want that sexual energy back to push that forward.
The Other Fine Line
The other little lesson I learned this week is that while there have been times in my life when my self-esteem was shit, I still had an ego.
It took me nearly a week to define why I was so full of angst about something that happened in my life, but as it turns out, my well-protected ego took a little bit of a smashing and having rarely felt that before, I wasn't sure what to do to heal it.
I'm still not sure. It's still smarting a little.
To get your self-esteem bruised, it takes you believing that whatever has been said to you or done to you, you deserved. To get your ego bruised, you have to believe that what has been said to you or done to you, wronged you. The higher your self-esteem at the point of bruising, the more likely you are to take the bruise to your ego instead.
I don't know if any of that is making sense, but if not, welcome to my world for the last week.
The one saving grace of the whole thing is that - for once in my life - something happened and I didn't immediately say "It's because I'm fat.". Why? Cause I can't say that anymore. *grin* (There, I think I feel the ego healing up lol)
So between this line, and the casual/nonchalant line, I'm learning about what I can tolerate and what I can't tolerate in personal relationships. It's all good, in the long run, but in the short term, even *I* get tired of thinking so much. Yes, you read that right. Little Miss Super-Analyze is tired of thinking so fucking much.
It took me nearly a week to define why I was so full of angst about something that happened in my life, but as it turns out, my well-protected ego took a little bit of a smashing and having rarely felt that before, I wasn't sure what to do to heal it.
I'm still not sure. It's still smarting a little.
To get your self-esteem bruised, it takes you believing that whatever has been said to you or done to you, you deserved. To get your ego bruised, you have to believe that what has been said to you or done to you, wronged you. The higher your self-esteem at the point of bruising, the more likely you are to take the bruise to your ego instead.
I don't know if any of that is making sense, but if not, welcome to my world for the last week.
The one saving grace of the whole thing is that - for once in my life - something happened and I didn't immediately say "It's because I'm fat.". Why? Cause I can't say that anymore. *grin* (There, I think I feel the ego healing up lol)
So between this line, and the casual/nonchalant line, I'm learning about what I can tolerate and what I can't tolerate in personal relationships. It's all good, in the long run, but in the short term, even *I* get tired of thinking so much. Yes, you read that right. Little Miss Super-Analyze is tired of thinking so fucking much.
Casual vs Nonchalant
In the last week, I've found a couple of fine lines in my life.
The one between 'casual' and 'nonchalant'.
Casual is technically defined as "without definite or serious intention". Nonchalant on the other hand is defined as "coolly unconcerned, indifferent, or unexcited". Similar, but with a distinct difference in intent. Remember the old cartoons about casual Friday getting to be too casual? Think that, only moreso. Big difference between nice jeans and a sweater -- and a pair of pajama pants, flip flops and a ratty tshirt you'd be ashamed to wear to the gym. Finding this line this week made me feel more like the ratty tshirt than the nice jeans and I didn't much care for that feeling.
You can be without serious intention but still not be indifferent. One of my favorite quotes is "Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is."
Indifference pisses me off. I've spent most of my life being rabidly passionate about a lot of things. Sex, love, family, friends, books, music. I find it very difficult to middle of the road on almost anything. I'm not entirely sure that's a healthy way to live, but it's the way I live. Not how I choose to live - just how I am.
I put a lot of energy into almost everything I do. When I gain an interest in something new, I read until my eyes hurt and then I practice, play, create. When I make a new friend, I spend the time to get to know them - what they like, what they don't like, and I find things we have in common so that we can create a bond.
I know that most people aren't like me in that, and I accept that for the most part -- I can accept lower levels of energy and less enthusiasm.
But I have a very difficult time accepting indifference.
The one between 'casual' and 'nonchalant'.
Casual is technically defined as "without definite or serious intention". Nonchalant on the other hand is defined as "coolly unconcerned, indifferent, or unexcited". Similar, but with a distinct difference in intent. Remember the old cartoons about casual Friday getting to be too casual? Think that, only moreso. Big difference between nice jeans and a sweater -- and a pair of pajama pants, flip flops and a ratty tshirt you'd be ashamed to wear to the gym. Finding this line this week made me feel more like the ratty tshirt than the nice jeans and I didn't much care for that feeling.
You can be without serious intention but still not be indifferent. One of my favorite quotes is "Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is."
Indifference pisses me off. I've spent most of my life being rabidly passionate about a lot of things. Sex, love, family, friends, books, music. I find it very difficult to middle of the road on almost anything. I'm not entirely sure that's a healthy way to live, but it's the way I live. Not how I choose to live - just how I am.
I put a lot of energy into almost everything I do. When I gain an interest in something new, I read until my eyes hurt and then I practice, play, create. When I make a new friend, I spend the time to get to know them - what they like, what they don't like, and I find things we have in common so that we can create a bond.
I know that most people aren't like me in that, and I accept that for the most part -- I can accept lower levels of energy and less enthusiasm.
But I have a very difficult time accepting indifference.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Unforgettable
"No matter what the relationship, no woman wants to feel as if sleeping with her is so forgettable that the minute a man walks out of the room, he's moved onto immediately to other things." Jill, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Who am I today?
(No, that's not me, but I love the picture)
I looked in the mirror at work today, and saw a college co-ed again. Hair back in a head band, study-girl glasses, turtleneck ...
It's weird seeing myself that way. But kinda neat, too.
I can be anyone I wanna be, really.
Question is, who do I really wanna be?
There isn't really an answer to that. It's mostly rhetorical. I want to be myself. And I want to be loved and appreciated for that.
I spent last Friday/Saturday/Part of Sunday with a group of people that I used to play EverQuest with. These people are friends. Good friends. Friends that make you feel loved, appreciated and special. I see parts of this group 3-4 times a year. And I always come home feeling renewed. When I am around them, I am my affectionate and consummate smart ass self.
I came home feeling good this time, too. But it didn't last very long, because some other issues arose in other parts of my life that made me stop and really think about what is driving me forward.
I saw my folks yesterday for Easter, and the first thing my mom said to me was that I didn't look happy. My parents have gotten used to seeing me happy for the last few years. And apparently yesterday, they didn't see that.
To be honest, I wasn't happy. I put a smile on my face for them because they deserve to have that, but my mind has been whirling for a week or so about things I haven't thought about in either years - or in a few cases, ever.
C and I have been separated for 3.5 years. This is the longest I've been without a special someone in my life, ever. I realize that that's my choice. I haven't been looking that hard and I haven't really put myself out there to be seen or found. My EQ friends hassle me about that. One goes so far as to say that it's not healthy for me to purposefully lock myself away. And maybe he's right. I've considered this time alone to be growing time (and shrinking time physically). I wanted to spend this time alone so that I could be sure that next time, I get what I want from a relationship - not just what's offered to me. I think that is healthy.
But I've also been dragging my feet, and I'll freely admit that. I'm not sure if it's fear, or pride, or ego, or what that's making me do that. Maybe all of them. Maybe none of them. Maybe my heart is just - tired.
And to be honest, I'm tired of analyzing it.
Maybe it's time to stop analyzing it, and just open myself to the possibilities.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Spark
So, I know I said I'd come back and write about what I might want. Something happened after work today that brought that kind of full circle in my mind, so I guess it's time to write it :)
I stopped at the gas station/convenience store tonight to get some cat food (because I'm terrible and forgot it at the store last week), so I decided to grab cigarettes (no, I haven't quit yet) while I was at it.
The clerk, bless her heart -- carded me.
Now, granted, I had on a turtleneck and my hair was back in a headband and I looked a little co-edish today, but still. She carded me :)
I don't look my age. I have never actually looked my age. At 16, I looked 19. At 19, I looked 23. At 25, I looked 18. You get the picture. Time works weirdly on me apparently.
But the fact is, I don't feel my age, either. I'll be 43 in a month. I don't feel it. 33? Maybe. But 43? No.
That in itself is a good thing. I'm healthier than I have ever been (despite the nasty cigarettes) and I feel better, take better care of myself.
I think that for too many years, I was pushing it. I wanted to be older. Settled. Have the marriage and family and such that I was 'supposed' to have -at that certain age-. I dated older men almost exclusively for most of my life. C. was my first 'younger' man, and that's by only 2 years.
Fact is though, I have more in common with younger men these days. Gaming is one example of that. I don't see a lot of 42 year old men playing the games I play, unless they're doing it while their wives are off at the PTA or whatever. Married men with children playing as a cheap hobby, yes. But it's a younger man's world for sure.
Men my age tend (and I say tend, because I dislike generalizations) to be wanting to be married, to either have kids, or having a partner to help raise the ones they have. I have no opposition to playing Step-Mom. I've done it before, and those girls mean the world to me to this day. But it's not something I would actively seek out.
Younger men also seem to have the same sexual drive I do. Two or three or four times in one day is not unusual for me at all. As a matter of fact, it's great exercise /wink.
I got called a "Cougar" the other day. I giggled, but the fact is, maybe I am.
My mom said to me that she thinks I should find a man older than me (as M was ten years older than me), that she wants for me that security.
But I'm pretty secure in myself, and I'm not looking for a man to give me that. I already have it.
What I want in a man is someone who can keep up with me, sexually, as well as intellectually. Someone who understands why I game online and maybe enjoys it, too. And someone who is secure enough to let me keep this independence that I've earned and enjoy now, but not so much that I can't feel them in my life.
I don't know if he exists, but I've finally admitted to myself that maybe if I open up the bottom end of my 'age limit' bracket, he'll present himself. I'm not talking any less than 28 or so. But definitely less than the 36 I had previously though I needed.
Screw what society thinks. If Demi Moore can do it, so can the rest of us.
I stopped at the gas station/convenience store tonight to get some cat food (because I'm terrible and forgot it at the store last week), so I decided to grab cigarettes (no, I haven't quit yet) while I was at it.
The clerk, bless her heart -- carded me.
Now, granted, I had on a turtleneck and my hair was back in a headband and I looked a little co-edish today, but still. She carded me :)
I don't look my age. I have never actually looked my age. At 16, I looked 19. At 19, I looked 23. At 25, I looked 18. You get the picture. Time works weirdly on me apparently.
But the fact is, I don't feel my age, either. I'll be 43 in a month. I don't feel it. 33? Maybe. But 43? No.
That in itself is a good thing. I'm healthier than I have ever been (despite the nasty cigarettes) and I feel better, take better care of myself.
I think that for too many years, I was pushing it. I wanted to be older. Settled. Have the marriage and family and such that I was 'supposed' to have -at that certain age-. I dated older men almost exclusively for most of my life. C. was my first 'younger' man, and that's by only 2 years.
Fact is though, I have more in common with younger men these days. Gaming is one example of that. I don't see a lot of 42 year old men playing the games I play, unless they're doing it while their wives are off at the PTA or whatever. Married men with children playing as a cheap hobby, yes. But it's a younger man's world for sure.
Men my age tend (and I say tend, because I dislike generalizations) to be wanting to be married, to either have kids, or having a partner to help raise the ones they have. I have no opposition to playing Step-Mom. I've done it before, and those girls mean the world to me to this day. But it's not something I would actively seek out.
Younger men also seem to have the same sexual drive I do. Two or three or four times in one day is not unusual for me at all. As a matter of fact, it's great exercise /wink.
I got called a "Cougar" the other day. I giggled, but the fact is, maybe I am.
My mom said to me that she thinks I should find a man older than me (as M was ten years older than me), that she wants for me that security.
But I'm pretty secure in myself, and I'm not looking for a man to give me that. I already have it.
What I want in a man is someone who can keep up with me, sexually, as well as intellectually. Someone who understands why I game online and maybe enjoys it, too. And someone who is secure enough to let me keep this independence that I've earned and enjoy now, but not so much that I can't feel them in my life.
I don't know if he exists, but I've finally admitted to myself that maybe if I open up the bottom end of my 'age limit' bracket, he'll present himself. I'm not talking any less than 28 or so. But definitely less than the 36 I had previously though I needed.
Screw what society thinks. If Demi Moore can do it, so can the rest of us.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Shattering
...what once was.
One of the things I've been doing with my time since I stopped writing is trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want.
I don't have a clear answer to that yet, but I've been down a couple of paths in thought -- one that I determined I don't want, and one I've determined may be what I do want, but I'm not sure.
What I don't want -- and I think I've actually either eluded to or said outright here in the last year -- I don't want to be someone's 24/7 submissive. I cannot begin to tell you how much that used to appeal to me, and how much I've enjoyed it in the past, but for what my life is right now, and for what I want to do with it, that just doesn't seem to fit, no matter which angle I try.
And I'm all right with that. I wasn't at first. So much of my identity was wrapped up in "Screamer", my writing, my submissiveness. But not anymore.
I'm not even remotely saying that I am not submissive, or do not want to be submissive. I do enjoy it, especially sexually (*grin* too, when the connotation is sexy and there is no actual sex in sight, if you know what I mean), and for periods of time, I want to continue to experience that - an evening, a weekend, an hour - whatever works. But what I don't want - is to be kept, to be a 24/7 slave, toy, pet - what have you. Not anymore.
People change and evolve. And I have to stop and consider the fact that perhaps my deep desire to belong to someone 24/7 wasn't wrapped up at least partially in sub-par self-esteem issues of the last ten years. Those issues are fading, have faded substantially actually, and are continuing to fade away - and I haven't quite determined if the lack of desire for 24/7 is a direct effect, or just a by-product. But whatever the case may be, I'm nearly 100% sure that it's not in the cards for me now, if ever, again.
(And before I get yelled at, I'm not insinuating that submissive = low self-esteem. I'm not. I'm talking about my personal experiences here, not yours)
So that's what I don't want.
What I might want will have to wait for the next post~
One of the things I've been doing with my time since I stopped writing is trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want.
I don't have a clear answer to that yet, but I've been down a couple of paths in thought -- one that I determined I don't want, and one I've determined may be what I do want, but I'm not sure.
What I don't want -- and I think I've actually either eluded to or said outright here in the last year -- I don't want to be someone's 24/7 submissive. I cannot begin to tell you how much that used to appeal to me, and how much I've enjoyed it in the past, but for what my life is right now, and for what I want to do with it, that just doesn't seem to fit, no matter which angle I try.
And I'm all right with that. I wasn't at first. So much of my identity was wrapped up in "Screamer", my writing, my submissiveness. But not anymore.
I'm not even remotely saying that I am not submissive, or do not want to be submissive. I do enjoy it, especially sexually (*grin* too, when the connotation is sexy and there is no actual sex in sight, if you know what I mean), and for periods of time, I want to continue to experience that - an evening, a weekend, an hour - whatever works. But what I don't want - is to be kept, to be a 24/7 slave, toy, pet - what have you. Not anymore.
People change and evolve. And I have to stop and consider the fact that perhaps my deep desire to belong to someone 24/7 wasn't wrapped up at least partially in sub-par self-esteem issues of the last ten years. Those issues are fading, have faded substantially actually, and are continuing to fade away - and I haven't quite determined if the lack of desire for 24/7 is a direct effect, or just a by-product. But whatever the case may be, I'm nearly 100% sure that it's not in the cards for me now, if ever, again.
(And before I get yelled at, I'm not insinuating that submissive = low self-esteem. I'm not. I'm talking about my personal experiences here, not yours)
So that's what I don't want.
What I might want will have to wait for the next post~
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The more things change ...
... the more I'm stuck in a rut.
I haven't been writing. Well, here, anyway, and not a whole lot anywhere else, either. I went through a quiet period, where I didn't feel like sharing anything, and now I'm kind of trying to break out of that (forcing it, mostly) because it's starting to get on my nerves.
That's not the only thing that's stuck though.
I noted today, when I went into the restroom at work, that the shirt I put on this morning is too big. Will I put it away? No, probably not. I tend to dump jeans that are too big immediately, but shirts ... it's not so easy. I've always worn my shirts big. Even now, anything that clings too close I'm not crazy about. I go back and forth between chastising myself for that (I wear a size 10 jean now. I mean, do I really need to be wearing clothes I wore 40 pounds ago?), and comforting myself with all that extra material (it *is* cold here in the frozen tundra you know).
It's time for me to get unstuck. In all these little areas I've been sticking in.
I haven't been writing. Well, here, anyway, and not a whole lot anywhere else, either. I went through a quiet period, where I didn't feel like sharing anything, and now I'm kind of trying to break out of that (forcing it, mostly) because it's starting to get on my nerves.
That's not the only thing that's stuck though.
I noted today, when I went into the restroom at work, that the shirt I put on this morning is too big. Will I put it away? No, probably not. I tend to dump jeans that are too big immediately, but shirts ... it's not so easy. I've always worn my shirts big. Even now, anything that clings too close I'm not crazy about. I go back and forth between chastising myself for that (I wear a size 10 jean now. I mean, do I really need to be wearing clothes I wore 40 pounds ago?), and comforting myself with all that extra material (it *is* cold here in the frozen tundra you know).
It's time for me to get unstuck. In all these little areas I've been sticking in.
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