Narrow but Deep

My mom started calling me skinny over the last couple of years. I don't like it, because I certainly do not feel skinny. Am I smaller than I have ever been? Yes. I am no longer 'plus size'? Certainly. But skinny? No. Not even close.

I have taken to saying that I am narrow, but deep *chuckle*

According to the picture to the left, I am between the men's ideal and the women's ideal. I do not feel remotely close to what that picture represents tho. Therein lies my biggest current issue. It's not that I have a bad self-image. It's that I have a confusing self-image.



A few weeks ago, when I was lamenting all of this to a friend of mine, he said very simply "You're not fat." My typical response would be to laugh or argue, but I tried very hard not to do that. Actually, I was trying so hard that I can't remember what my response was.

But right around that time was while I was in the midst of my Cathouse extravaganza. And in the first or second episode, it suddenly occurred to me that while the Bunny Ranch has it's share of very skinny women (See: Sunset Thomas, who was a "regular" there during the filming of the series and the documentary), the majority of these women are not "perfect bodies". And suddenly, I started to feel much less crappy about the issues I have with my body and even though I *knew* before that I was sexy at the size I am now -- I believe it a little more now.

None of those women -- the non-barbie doll ones -- seemed to have one issue with how she looked in a seemingly endless parade of lingerie throughout each episode. They looked sexy, because they displayed confidence -- and you could almost feel how sexy each felt they were. And you know, typically when I put on lingerie, I feel that way, too. It's only when I'm getting dressed in real clothes that I have issues. *chuckle* Trust me to be the weird one.

So I'm not skinny but I am sexy. I'm narrow through the hips but deeper than I'd like.

And all in all, I need to really stop being so damn hard on myself.

I'm getting there.