Shattering

...what once was.

One of the things I've been doing with my time since I stopped writing is trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want.

I don't have a clear answer to that yet, but I've been down a couple of paths in thought -- one that I determined I don't want, and one I've determined may be what I do want, but I'm not sure.

What I don't want -- and I think I've actually either eluded to or said outright here in the last year -- I don't want to be someone's 24/7 submissive. I cannot begin to tell you how much that used to appeal to me, and how much I've enjoyed it in the past, but for what my life is right now, and for what I want to do with it, that just doesn't seem to fit, no matter which angle I try.

And I'm all right with that. I wasn't at first. So much of my identity was wrapped up in "Screamer", my writing, my submissiveness. But not anymore.

I'm not even remotely saying that I am not submissive, or do not want to be submissive. I do enjoy it, especially sexually (*grin* too, when the connotation is sexy and there is no actual sex in sight, if you know what I mean), and for periods of time, I want to continue to experience that - an evening, a weekend, an hour - whatever works. But what I don't want - is to be kept, to be a 24/7 slave, toy, pet - what have you. Not anymore.

People change and evolve. And I have to stop and consider the fact that perhaps my deep desire to belong to someone 24/7 wasn't wrapped up at least partially in sub-par self-esteem issues of the last ten years. Those issues are fading, have faded substantially actually, and are continuing to fade away - and I haven't quite determined if the lack of desire for 24/7 is a direct effect, or just a by-product. But whatever the case may be, I'm nearly 100% sure that it's not in the cards for me now, if ever, again.

(And before I get yelled at, I'm not insinuating that submissive = low self-esteem. I'm not. I'm talking about my personal experiences here, not yours)

So that's what I don't want.
What I might want will have to wait for the next post~