Pain Hurts No, it really does. I’m not kidding.


I’m not a masochist.

I meditated on that long and hard for a long time, and I finally came to that conclusion. I do not get any sexual satisfaction from the feeling of pain. I cannot have orgasm simply from having pain inflicted on me, even in a BDSM sense.

I do get satisfaction from pain, in a d/s sense, however. There are several ways this can be achieved.
- The feeling of submitting to another’s will, or;
- The depth of meditative space I can get into during the scene, or;
- The feeling of accomplishment once it’s over

I used to believe that I had orgasms from pain. But it was never that. Instead, it was the use of dominance, aggression – and simply, the feeling of being submissive in a scene – bending my will to that of another.

On those occasions when I’ve bottomed to someone that I’m not submissive to, the feeling is more of the meditative space kind; where I close my eyes and concentrate on the pain itself, and allow the energy building inside me to convert any pent up antipathy/aggression/resentment inside me into energy that I can release when I release the yells/screams/cries from the pain. Single tails are great for this purpose. The sting of a whip – especially if done in a nice rhythm and with sharp impact gives a great backdrop. Thuddy things like floggers can also be good. But if the pain is too light, I get more into a dreamy space, and never quite get to the meditative space.

There is one time that I like pain, though. I like pain during sex.

I like to be bitten. I like to have vile, evil nasty things done to me. I like to be talked to meanly, to be held down and tortured with fingers, teeth and cock. I’ve mentioned before that I like rough sex, so this is no surprise to you, right? I don’t want to be treated gently. Save that for afterwards, when I’m sore. *grin*.

I want to be taken. But it’s more than that. And this following word, having been on my list of blogger topics for quite some time, is finally going to get to be explored:

Used. .

Sex is one of the times when I feel the most submissive. It’s when I want to be the most pleasing and put to the “best use”, so to speak. It may have to do with proximity, with hormones, with breathlessness and heat. I go at sex with abandon. It’s one of the few times out of a day where I can completely “let go”. I can’t really identify any one thing in particular, but something about fucking brings the submissive part of me front and center in a hurry. And I think that’s where ‘used’ comes in.

For me to feel good about being submissive, I have to be doing something pleasing or helpful. I want to feel like I’m making C’s life easier in one way or another. This is why when he first went into the Navy and was in Chicago, I kept asking him for things to do – or finding things to do and then telling him that I’d done them.

I believe that perhaps in sex – and more specifically, in sex with C – I have a healthy outlet for allowing myself to allow myself to be completely pleasing, with no ulterior motives and no concern for myself. I’m there to give him what *he* wants. And in doing so, I get exactly what *I* want. Luckily, this seems to work out well for C and I, and is probably one of the reasons we’re so innately compatible.

I’ve tried to analyze and meditate on that. On why I feel that way. And I’ve never found an answer to it. I’ve come to accept that it’s just how I’m made up – and part of what makes me – well, me.

Side note: There’s so much confusion in the online BDSM community about the delineation between d/s and SM. People *assume* that if you are in a d/s relationship, that you ‘play’. That’s not always the case. ‘Play’, in this house, is a rare thing. Our d/s contains very little use of SM or restraint – and if we do utilize those accoutrements, it’s less a part of d/s and more a part of ‘fun time’ for us. A discussion we had recently on StrictlyDs brought this to light. People who come to the ‘online community’ (I still hate that word) looking for answers about d/s are directed to whip workshops and bondage demos. And maybe that’s what they’re looking for. But it’s not always. Maybe what they’re really looking for is a seminar on ‘how to let your dominant know you’re angry with him’, or ‘how to quell a bratty submissive’. There is far less of that out there, than the demonstrations on rope work and caning. (More on the BDSM community later)