BDSM Community
Rants from a Burn-out

I already made a few references to how I feel about BDSM community in some entries, so now I guess is the time to get this out.

First, I’ve only experienced a few communities in this country. Some were great experiences (San Jose/smOdyssey and Portland, Oregon’s PLA among them). Some were not so great experiences (No, I’m not going to list those). Second, a community is made up of many many people, and some of those people will be good, and some of those people will be assholes. You find that anywhere. Even in a knitting circle *grin*. My experiences, while they may be colored by a few people with bad attitudes and arrogant perceptions of right and wrong – are just that. Mine. Please don’t base your participation in any BDSM community on my opinions. Get out there and try it for yourself.

I hate politics. I hate community leaders who use SSC as a rule, not a slogan. I hate power struggles. I hate back-stabbing and free-loaders. I hate whining. I hate “black lists” (a list of “bad dominants” as prescribed by one person). I hate gossip-mongering. I hate carpet-bagging and wishy-washy-ness. I hate people who complain, but will do nothing to help a situation. And I hate people who can’t make up their minds. For these reasons, and many others, I’ve spent the last four years out of the public BDSM community. The last event I attended was KinkFest in Portland in 2001. I had a great time – hell, I even DM’d for a shift. I saw some friends. Met some new friends. But by that time, C had already left for his Navy training in Chicago, and I just wasn’t interested enough to get involved on my own. Fact is, after 4 years of organizing community in Monterey, I was burnt out. Leather leadership, for me, was over. C and I have been here since November, and I’ve been looking lately at a couple of local groups, trying to decide if I really want to get back into all that again. And I’m thinking – maybe I do. But not as a leader. My patience for that is gone.

All those things I listed above are some of the things I hate about BDSM communities. Other things – as in the entry previous to this one – and the assumption that if you do d/s, you must also do SM. Not everyone does.

I understand, having started a community (or two or three – ugh – don’t ask) myself, is that you have to have rules. But rules that are born purely of fear are dangerous. Rules need to be born of logic, and have a solid anchoring in reality. Making up rules for the sake of hearing yourself talk is – well – stupid. But if you think people don’t do that – well, take another look.

Something else I abhor is this: I am not your babysitter. You are not paying me 2.00 an hour to keep you safe. You are not a child. If you are a mature adult (as you should be, if you’ve come out in BDSM), you need to learn to use your common-fucking-sense and be responsible. Don’t get me wrong – I think safe calls and introductory discussions are awesome for people just coming out. I think they’re necessary. But be prepared, when you do start going out there and meeting with potential partners – to make your decisions based on common sense and not hormones. I’m adamant about this. And I’ll be honest to you as to why: When I first started meeting people in a BDSM context (after C and I had met, and broken up), I did it badly – meaning – I was unsafe. I was in a hurry. I was letting the desire overtake my common sense. And you know what? No one told me different. No one said to me “Be fucking careful.” All anyone ever said was “We’ll be here to catch you if you fall.” Now, I tell people: Be fucking careful. I’ll be here for you, if you fall – once. If you don’t learn your lesson the first time, do NOT expect me to baby-sit you forever. There are too many “victims” in today’s society. If you can stand there and tell me that “submissive does not equal stupid” then be prepared to back that up. There are people involved in BDSM communities that *live* to be babysitters. They love feeling like the “group protector” and the “daddy” of all the female submissives. Fine. But if you aren’t teaching those submissives how to be their own protector, and something happens to you (or, as in one case I know personally – you get pissed off and leave the community) – you’ve ended up doing much more harm than good in the long run.

Please. Do Auntie Screamer a favor. Stop. And THINK. With your HEAD. The BIG head, not the little one. Thank you.

This is not to say that safety shouldn’t be taught; it should be. And it should be taught well.

I’ve been told in the past, that as someone who’s been doing this awhile that it’s my DUTY to teach new people the rules and safety. No, I don’t think so. It’s not that I won’t – if I’m asked, I will most certainly. But when you start telling me I *have* to, I’m going to get very pissy. People like me – people who write – either online, or in print – often get mistaken for experts. Most of us aren’t. Please remember that. Just because someone wrote a book doesn’t make them the be-all, end-all authority on anything EXCEPT their own experience. It’s okay to disagree with them. Those books aren’t bibles, after all. If you’re reading a book on BDSM and you run across something in it that doesn’t sit well with you, please don’t feel like you have to take it as *law*. You don’t. After having encountered some of these “so-called” experts in face-to-face venues, all I can tell you is – most of them aren’t anything more than people who enjoy BDSM, and have a flair for writing.

Now, having said *all* of that, let me assure you that I do think BDSM community is good over-all. I think in general it fills a space that desperately needs to be filled, and I do support many of these organizations. Groups like TES, Black Rose, Society of Janus – these guys have been around a very long time. And they’re excellent at what they do. I also think BDSM books are, by and large, great additions to your library and even better when you can read them objectively. I think events are *fun*. I think munches are *great*. And I think that the people who are leaders in all of this should be much more appreciated than they are by all of us.

My issues with community are seen through my lens. And I’ll admit that I’ve had some just purely awful experiences in and about the communities I participated in. But over-all, I wouldn’t trade one minute of it – or any of the friends I’ve made during that time.