Breaking the Final Wall


I don’t want to be given a choice.

That’s not to say I’d like that all the time in my life – frankly, I’m a little too Type A for that. But when it comes to certain things, I don’t want any choices. I don’t want to feel like I can get out of something just by saying “no”. For most of my life, I’ve been able to talk my way out of things – punishment as a kid, groundings, speeding tickets. It’s been easy for me to put a smile on my face, and flirt my way out of too much. I don’t want to be able to do that all the time. There’s a certain security in knowing that there’s one person in the world that I cannot plow over.

I talked the other day about breaking that final wall down, and about how I feel about that. It’s something I want. And I think it’s something C wants, too. All his accusations about me being vague have been true, and he *knows* that’s he’s not getting “all the way in there” (meaning my twisted little mind). Without saying it in so many words, I know he wants that.

I thought about that last night, after I’d posted my little discourse on the subject. And what I thought about was this: What is it going to take to get me there? To plow through that last concrete barrier?

I don’t want to be given a choice.

(This is an incomplete thought - will return to it soon)