Breaking the Wall (Yes, again)
Final Conclusions

A couple entries ago, I started writing about not being given a choice. I’ve also said that I think that’s the only way that final wall is going to tumble into rubble. After I finished writing my “BDSM Community Rant” last night, I started to think back on this “wall-breaking” thing. And trying to decide why that’s so important to me right now.

This morning, I read this week’s Leather Views column by Jack Rinella, and I had to laugh. He’d written the opposite side of my masochist entry from yesterday. I felt compelled to write him and tell him of my own thoughts on this (something I rarely, if ever do). And in keeping with the spirit of what I told him “I came to a point when writing my article (which I titled "Pain Hurts. No
Really, it does"), when I had to admit "out loud" that I don't know why I like what I like. And frankly, I've spent too much time recently trying to figure those things out. I love to work with the intellectual side of myself to rationalize and expound on my thoughts, but there comes a time when it's best to say -- Fuck it. I like it. Good enough. “

I wonder if I’ve come to that point with this whole “last wall” thing, too. I’ve run it over and over in my head – 100 different ways or more – and have yet to be able to put together any kind of cohesive decision. I want it. I believe it’ll make the relationship between C and I stronger. That should be enough, right?

So rather than continue figuring out the “why” (we already know the “what”, “who” is a given, and “where and “when” are completely out of my control), I thought I’d spend some time thinking at that “how”.

I did a whole entry about bondage awhile back. One thing I said, as I was listing its virtues was this: But inside their head, they can use the experience as "not having any choice in the matter". This person - the binder - the dominant - the top - has all of the control. And I’m not talking about (necessarily) having to be tied up or down with leather or ropes or metal. Those things are nice and pretty for bondage – but not necessary. Actually, they make things way easier for the submissive. It’s when you’re told to “stay” and “don’t move” without use of any accoutrements that it gets disgustingly difficult to maintain. Sure, I like the bondage “materials”. As a matter of fact, I prefer them. But in no way are they a necessary thing.

For the most part, bondage is the illusion of “not having any control”. Thing is, though – for this purpose – the “wall-destruction” - it’s going to have to be more than an illusion to me. I’m actually going to feel like I don’t have – a choice.

The way my mind works, if I get to a “scary” place, I’m going to try to get out of it. I’m going to work real hard at looking for a loophole. It’s not that I’m going to do this consciously. I just know how my mind works. My “fight or flight” mechanism is in great working order. I can only remember one time – in nine years – that I was ‘forced’ to stay in a situation that made me uncomfortable (BDSM wise). Sometimes, I’ll do it willingly, as a matter of pride. But that time, it certainly wasn’t willing. I was coerced. It stopped long before I got to the wall, but it went on longer than I would have normally let it to go before I started trying to get out of it. This is not to say that I’m someone who “tries to get out of things” as a rule. I don’t. Most of the time, my desire to remain submissive to my dominant well over-rides any “fight or flight” feelings that may come up. Then again, to be honest, I haven’t really been pushed that hard that often. Not to say I haven’t been hurt *chuckle*, but saying that I just don’t hit the “run away! run away!” feeling very often.

(Geez, now I’ve wandered way off topic and I’m going to have a hell of a time getting back!)

(Then, I wandered WAY off into the living room and got a phone call from C *grin* so I’m wayyyy off track. But it’s all good *grin*)

Okay. Back to “not having a choice”. The reason I brought up bondage in the first place is to take away part of the “choice”. There are, of course, many ways to accomplish this whole thing (and I’m certainly not going to tell C how to do it, but you know that if I don’t offer any input he’ll be telling me to quit being so damn vague). If we’ve agreed, at the beginning, that he’s not going to take me out of any bondage – real or mental – just because I ask him or beg him to (in other words, not without a mental or medical emergency), the idea that I “can get out of it” is gone. There won’t be any struggle for me mentally with that.

And I do struggle. Mentally. A lot. Not struggle as in “can’t deal”, but struggle as in “trying to be the best person I can be, and debating between ‘what I want’ and ‘what’s best for US right that minute’”. While talking with C on the phone today, I told him that the reason this is all flowing so easily for me right now is because a) we’re not both living in this apartment as ‘overworked individuals’, and b) because I’m not afraid of him thinking that when I say “I want this” and him thinking I mean “right this minute”. That struggle, for the time being – is gone. Right now, I can freely write about and freely want anything I care to. Because we both know I ain’t getting any of it til he gets home, anyway *grin*.

That struggle is part of the reason that that wall is still standing. The struggle helped build it, and the struggle keeps it alive. Take away the struggle – take away the choice – and the wall will crumble. Bondage is one way to get that started. Pain is another. Ultimately, that decision will be out of my hands. Which is exactly what I want.

For those of you out there saying “If your Master tells you to take the wall down, that should be enough.” – And I know you’re there – let me tell you that I’ve tried that. No matter how desperately I want to please, I can’t break it. I don’t want to just breech it, or build a porthole through it. I want it destroyed.

I ain’t got that kind of wrecking ball.