First of all, you guys are great. The emails and messages I’ve gotten recently – cause of my absence, and from new readers – you blow me away. You give me a great deal of reason to come back and start running off at the mouth yet again. And I thank you for that. The motivation had left me, I hope it’s starting to return.

Second, you’ll notice a relative lack of d/s in anything I’ve written lately, or may write currently, cause – there’s no d/s in my life. The man who I thought was my dominant for life – well – I’ve already told you we’re separated. Not divorced, not yet. There’s no cause for me to go looking for anyone else, and frankly – I’m just not up to it.

Why?

Cause men confuse the very fuck out of my being.

(yes, I’ll elaborate, you knew that I would.)

In the first place, I don’t like to play games in a relationship. I suck at it, it feels bad, and I’m never sure which way to flip or fly if I’m not being 100 percent *me*. I don’t fake pout and I don’t pull away to see how far I can make a guy go to pull me back. I don’t make them play favorites between their friends and me, or their family and me. I just don’t. It’s pointless. If you want someone to love you – for *you* - why would you act in a way – deceptively – if you aren’t? I don’t get it. And I don’t know that I want to.

It seems like, though, that you almost have to play some kind of games to keep guys interested. Giving your all doesn’t keep their attention. They need a challenge, they need to be kept on their toes. Is that it? Is that really how this is supposed to work?

This is not to say that the gentlemen I’ve shared my life with have not played games with me. *chuckle* No, not by a long shot. The games are many and varied. Let’s see if I can put them into words.

There is the “let’s push to see how far I can make her go to make sure she has me.” I hate that shit. Look, if I’m there, I’m there. I’m not going anywhere. Why must I be tested?

There is the Silent Treatment – which used to work exactly as intended with me, but over the years, I’ve learned that countering his silence with my own usually suffices. And that’s not playing games on my part. I really *don’t* wanna talk to someone who is trying to make me give in by cutting me off. Not even in d/s. That’s unfair and frankly shows very little respect for me.

There is “she’s submissive and she loves me. What can I make her do, just for kicks.” Okay, look. If you truly have a desire to see me in bed with a live chicken and a chainsaw, great. If you’re just doing it to try to prove to yourself how much control you have over me, I think its shitty behavior and if I catch you in it, I will call you on it.

I guess maybe I just feel testing someone *is* playing games and I don’t like it. I don’t need to be tested for fucks’ sake, take me at my word. Not doing so simply shows – again – a lack of respect for me, and a lack of faith *in* me. How do you think that endears you to me? It don’t. Period.
Is this common submissive response? Nah. Probably not. But this is *my* response right now, and I still do consider myself a submissive.

There is a line that can be crossed between being dominant and being a dick. Testing your partner crosses that line. Do you really wanna be John the Dick? Or John the Dominant? Think about that.

This, of course, is not to say that some submissives don’t like that behavior – yadda yadda yadda – your mileage may vary. (why do I still feel a need to put disclaimers on this shit?)

And here’s another thing I don’t get about men. What is it about the word “need”? You either love it or hate it, and women walk a fine fucking line every time they get into a relationship with that very word. C didn’t mind it if I said I “needed” him (but by god he hated it if I said he “needed” to do something. His response was always “I don’t need to do anything but eat sleep and breathe, everything else is optional.”). But M. hated the very idea of that word and if I so much as uttered it in the middle of a good sound fucking his hackles went up and the mood was spoiled. We want you to know we want you around. We want you to know we want you in our lives. We want you to know we miss you when you’re gone. Sometimes, that’s a need. Why must we stop and think each time before we use that word?

Do I sound frustrated? Yea, I am. Because I’m damn near 40 years old, with one divorce and one separation and one termination of a 4-year-live-in-relationship on my shoulders and it’s got me wondering – what the fuck.

[-----]

So, in trying to piece all this stuff together, which is what I’ve been doing recently in addition to working on my apartment, making candles and playing Worlds of Warcraft, I’ve not figured anything out.

Except, that something I said to M. once – during one of those famous tearful drawn out emotionally draining relationship talks – is that maybe I’m not meant for a long term relationship. Maybe I’m just a catalyst in other people’s lives. With my first husband, I got him out of a dingy 1 room apartment where he kept cash only in a drawer in his waterbed, into a house with a bank account, credit cards, and a better grasp on finances. With C, it was helping direct him back to the military and helping him handle his dad’s death. With Mark, it was helping raise the girls. I mean, seriously, is that what I’m supposed to be doing?

If so, screw relationships. I’ll find a fuck buddy and be done with it.

I am way too old for this shit.

[-----]

*chuckle* Well. Where did all that come from?

On the upside, it’s been snowing a lot and I’m happy watching it fall.

Sophie is spastic as ever. But we like our new bed, and we like our new place, and we’re warm and toasty and safe and free.

And now, you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find something productive to do, rather than rant all over you guys. *smile*.

I know, I know. I promised to finish that thought. Been a busy week sorta, and my parents will be here soon for the day, so lemme finish that thought and make all nice-and-good for my folks.

Secretary: The Movie. I like this movie. As a regular old fashioned movie, it's got a clear plot, with plenty of subplot action. The actors are good (I love James Spader - yummy). It's just - odd enough to be cultish, and most "regular Joe" people would probably be offended at the whole thing, so -- yea, I like it.

What I don't like is that both of these people appear to be mentally ill :( Her especially. Why do they find it necessary to show d/s in movies only when they can link it with someone who has a history of cutting, of alcohol abuse in their family, etc? What's up with that? Is that the only thing that makes it palatble for the rest of the world? And that's a heck of an image to be portraying.

But I can't help but like it, despite that *chuckle*

I watched Secretary again the other night.

My opinion that these 2 charectars are pretty messed up still stands. But I still like the basis of the movie, and the d/s elements of it.

Acck...gotta run. I got more on this. Will finish my thought later.

Seems our friend Spankboss has riled up the touchy feely d/s crowd. Ugh.

When are people gonna get it? Not everyone has their D/s wrapped up in pretty pink bows in the bedroom?

And when are people gonna stop bashing those of us who don't want it that way?

It'd also be nice if people stopped making excuses for their behavior and started accepting that life is about choices. But I don't see that happening any time soon.

I wish I had something more exciting to write about :(

I find myself being very frustrated with C the last few days. Despite phone calls and emails, I've gotten no response from him. Maybe he's punishing me. I dunno. But the stuff I need to speak with him about - are bills and such that need to be put in his name since I'm gone - it's not trivial bullshit.

I said to him before I left - right before, actually, while I was standing by the car - that I believe he thought he was a lot more dominant and I thought I was a lot more submissive. The wording there is wrong.

It's just that I don't want to submit to someone who's got no interest in being submitted to.

When a relationship disintegrates, you're looking for answers. I'm still kinda looking for them. Between the Navy and the way C's Dad's death affected him - I probably have them, but I don't want to leave it there. I know I'm not blameless here.

In the mean time, Happy Thanksgiving. Hug your loved ones. I'll be hugging my parents and my niece tomorrow.

Greetings and Salutations from Wisconsin.

I've been here about 2 weeks, and am settling in - even though I had a horrible move so far. My furniture still isnt' here. But I bought a new bed, and have been filling the apartment with new things, so that when it does arrive, I'll have a full house. I brought Sophie with me, and she is adjusting to being without Star, tho she still pines for him I think. Who could blame her? So do I.

So, without television, I've been watching DVDs on my laptop before I go to sleep. The movers missed some of the DVDs in the TV cabinet, and I ended up with my copy of BDSM: Alternative Loving with me. It hadn't even been opened. It was one of those movies I meant to watch with C., and never did. Last night, I popped it in.

First impressions: not bad. There were many things about this documentary that I liked, and just as many that I did not like. The use of "real" and "true" in reference to dominants and submissives grated on my last nerve (see: Real And True and Their Misplacement in BDSM ). Some of the people interviewed were believable, some not. I could have done without the Gorean example completely. But there was a great diversity shown - as far as gays/lesbians/het folks, and different play styles. Professional dominance was touched on, which was nice.

The best part of the entire documentary was getting to listen to Vi Johnson speak. I have read
To Love, To Obey, To Serve, and found it fascinating. I've also exchanged email with Vi, though it was ages ago. I've never gotten the opportunity to meet her, but hope that some day, I do.

All in all, it was worth the 30 bucks, if for no other reason, to confirm my gut instincts about some of the people I heard speak for the first time in the film. It was a good introduction (gawd I love to watch fireplay. Would never do it, but it's so dramatic to watch) for people, albeit perhaps a bit scary. They choose mostly good people to interview, as most of them were normal everyday people.

If you have 30 bucks laying around, and are curious, pick it up. If you don't, you're not gonna miss all that much.

Again....Where did I go?

Well, shit. I wish I could tell you.

Things around here turned to hell in a handbasket recently. Many reasons for that, but the jist of it is, I'm in the process of moving closer to home for awhile. Probably a long while. I don't know yet.

Yup, C and I are separating.

I've got some really mixed emotions about this. In a lot of ways, it's good because my needs were surely not getting fulfilled in this relationship - and this will give me time to decide if those needs are really needs, or just things I conditioned myself to want. Time to re-evaluate not only my base self, but D/s in general and my place in it. In a lot of ways, it's bad, because despite everything - I love C. Have loved him for the better part of 11 years. That hasn't changed, despite the Navy and other things. I doubt somehow it ever will. Doesn't mean it's enough. Doesn't mean it isn't.

Do I sound non-commital? Fuck yes, I am.

Intend to move around the middle or end of the month. Expect much for verbage outta me after that, cause I'll be starting the big evaluation of Screamer.

Introspective


As I’ve mentioned in the past, I run several email lists: Four Strictly lists, Ds, Ms, Spanking, and SM, plus one called Verbal Intercourse, which never got off the ground unfortunately. I’m trying to perk it up now. But the mainstay of my list management is for BDSM based lists.

Sometimes, like the last year, I feel like a fraud in that.

There’s so very little D/s in this house right now. Not only because he’s gone, but because when he’s here he is exhausted. With his dad’s death, and the subsequent estate war (still going on), there just doesn’t seem to be any energy for much of anything.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I’ve had to learn it, and learn it well over the last year. What brought C and I together in the first place, over 10 years ago, was D/s. And it’s not like either of us have changed so much that we don’t need or want that anymore. It’s just not – there.

No doubt, this is difficult. And I frustrate easily in it. But I’m trying to get better within that.

I’ve been chatting with a man on EQ about BDSM. Two of them actually – one seriously and one not seriously. I sent him (herein to be referred to as S.) some of my writing before C. left on his last cruise and he asked me a question about why a man would want to make the woman he loves cry. A few days later, when I was taking C to base in the morning, I asked him that question. His response was very simple: Because it exhibits the amount of control the man has over the woman. When I re-iterated this to S., he said that a lot of this stuff I enjoy seems to revolve around control. And I guess it does. Or, at least, it would appear that way to someone completely vanilla, learning about this stuff for the first time. It was interesting to share these pieces of myself with someone who had no experience in kink, and I actually learned a lot about myself in doing that. I’ve been pretty introspective about it, and some other things, for the last couple weeks, and I expect quite a bit of thought and writing to come from that. At least, I hope it will.

Okay, well, I'm still alive.

YAY!

It's been a bad winter/spring here. Christmas was insane, and 7 days after we returned home from our trip to Iowa and Wyoming, my father in law passed away and we had to return to Wyoming for three weeks. Since then, C has gone out to sea again for a short cruise and is now out on a long cruise. No idea when he'll return. So I'm left at home dealing with the estate and various other things - and playing a lot of EQ.

Expect to see me back ranting and raving real soon, if anyone is still checking....hello...hello...echooo.....

Again -- my lack of writing is not for lack of wanting to. I just got back from 9 days in Iowa with my folks', and came home to 3 big candle/soap orders - YAY!

C. is due home next month - and immediately afterwards, we'll be leaving for Christmas in Wyoming and Iowa - so I don't expect to have much time to write until after the first of the year or so. Boooooooo.

And I'm about to get even busier....

Damn, I'm pissed off that I've not been able to write. Orders are flowing (holiday season), and now I'm going to be taking a trip home next week - for about 10 days.

All of your emails and comments are greatly appreciated. Hopefully I'll get back to my normal rambling soon!

Geez, talk about a busy week.

The candle orders have been rolling in. I'm tickled about that, for the business' sake, but it's left my free time - well, not free. I also had company this week for a few days, so it's been - busy.

I appreciate your comments and emails about my last posting. I haven't heard from the 'gentleman' who wrote the initial email, so perhaps he's taken a hint. That'd be nice.

I'm pouring candles and making bath bombs today, so I probably won't have a lot of time to write, but I have an entry half written, so maybe I'll get to finish it up.

I got an email from someone recently, about my "SSC" rant. I won't share the email here, but I do want to talk about its context.

Basically, what this gentleman told me, was that I have a responsibility, as one of the “louder” voices of the greater BDSM community – that I shouldn’t be saying things like I say because people look up to me. That as a ‘celebrity’ (ugh!), I have accountability to people just starting out in the community, to teach them right from wrong. He said that in writing like I have been here in my blogger, I could be giving people the wrong idea about what it is that we do (I hate that WIITWD shit, so I refuse to use it). He suggested that I delete what I’ve got here and replace it with some of my older essays from my website.

I politely told him to go fuck himself.

In the first place, what it is that HE does is not necessarily what it is that *I* do. I am not duty-bound to tell the ‘BDSM community’ anything. I tell it like it is. I am honest about *my* experiences and *my* feelings. That’s all I *can* do. That’s all *any* of us can do. And frankly, the idea that he wants me to *LIE* about my feelings for the sake of the newbies pissed me off to such a degree that I had to get up and walk away from my computer. I pointed him to the graphic at the top of this blogger (also included on my web page, and the Strictly lists), and told him in a straightforward manner that I would not be coerced into insincere writing simply because he thinks what I write about isn’t fit for newbie consumption.

I’ve said before in this blogger that I don’t feel any great responsibility to educate anyone. If my writing helps people, I’m flattered. If my essays lead people to a new way of thinking, I’m honored. But I’m not writing to educate. I’m writing because it’s what I *do*. I am not an authority on anyone’s BDSM relationship. I will not tell people they have to do SSC or RACK or any of those other phony-ass acronyms. I will not tell people how to behave. I will not put a fucking disclaimer on my blogger that says it’s not for newbies to read (as he kindly suggested).

I expect people to have at least normal intelligence. I expect people to use their common sense. If they don’t, I can’t be blamed for their immaturity or their disregard for their own safety.

He also made mention that my discussion of my ex’s punishment scene in this entry was inappropriate because it might scare new submissives off from a punishment dynamic, or scare them away all together.

I don’t know about you folks, reading this, but I can tell you something about me. I like honesty. If someone is scared off by what I’ve written about my ex, maybe they weren’t ready for BDSM in the first place. I told the gentleman e-mailer that, and added that if he’s expecting me to be cuddly and sweet and romantic, and thus lure more new submissives to the scene for him to choose from, he’s got the wrong girl.

I’m not sure why this guy’s email (I’ve gotten emails like this before – it’s nothing new) struck me the way it did, but I can guarantee you, he thought he was doing the BDSM community at large a favor by flattering me (the celebrity comment) and then telling me how wrong I was by writing what I know and feel. I dislike being censored, but even more than that, I dislike being told I should be censored because MY truth isn’t someone ELSE’S truth. I take a lot of crap for being sarcastic, for being forthright, and for being honest. And I’ll continue to take it, because I’d rather be honest and take a lot of crap from people, than be insincere and a “celebrity”.

There is very little I hate more than being sick. Somewhere along the line, I picked up a horrible cold. It doesn't seem to be getting any better (three days now) and I have so many things I want to do, but can't. It pisses me off. I can't even do soap or candles because I can't SMELL the stuff.

I'm going to try and write some today, but feeling as woozy as I do, I doubt I'll get much done. I spent most of yesterday on the couch watching TV and I hate the idea of doing that again today. At least I started the laundry.....

Keeping Busy

We're under 60 days now until C comes home. I'm trying to stay very busy so I don't think about it :) So far this week, I've made 5 dozen votive candles, 12 jar candles and 4 batches of soap *grin* More on the plate for today.

You can tell I really love you, and agreed to submit to you if…
I let you fuck my ass

(‘Let’ is not the right word, but I’m short on “right” today)

I wish I were one of those women who really get into anal sex. But I’m not.

Anal sex for me has always been about pleasing someone else. I’ve had several lovers in the past who were truly into it. (One boyfriend, in my mid twenties, preferred it to vaginal sex – which got tiresome and another took it forcefully and without my consent more than once). Even with proper lubrication and plenty of warm up, it still hurts. The best I can muster is relaxing enough so that the pain slips into the background quietly while I concentrate on my partner’s pleasure. It’s a very submissive act for me.

C doesn’t care much for anal sex (too much work, according to him *chuckle*), so I guess I got lucky there. I don’t offer it to him (who am I to push something neither of us really wants? lol), and he doesn’t bring it up. It doesn’t fit into my ‘rape’ fantasies, either. The idea of being taken anally without lubrication is – shiver – unthinkable (painwise).

So, why am I talking about it, since it’s not part of my life? Am I subconsciously wishing for it?

No. *chuckle*.

I’m talking about it, because it’s on my list of topics. If I was ‘going somewhere’ with it when I put it on the list, I don’t remember.

So that’s all I gotta say about that.

Still Here

It's been an odd week around here. Good parts, bad parts, stressful parts. The worst of it, I suppose, is now that we're almost to 2/3 down with this cruise of C's, I'm starting to count days, which is *not* helping.

I've been working on soap and candles, and not finding much energy to write. I'll be trying to rectify that over this weekend.

Spirituality
Or, why I believe what I believe

I made mention earlier of me being a pagan . I guess it’s time to explore that with y’all a little, so you don’t get the wrong idea.

I was born and raised Catholic. (That, in and of itself is enough to make one run screaming for un-organized religion, eh?). I started to have my doubts about my ‘chosen’ spiritual path (oh yea – I chose it. I chose to go so my dad wouldn’t kick my ass) in my teens, and by my early 20’s, it was all over. Eventually, I got booted out of the church (I spent way too much time on television, as our local NOW president, promoting access to family planning and the like). It was a good excuse to stop going, actually. After the age of 17, I just went to please my folks. (I didn’t find CFFC until later, but it probably wouldn’t have helped much)

I started reading tarot cards and runes around that time. I started working with candles. I started meditating (though badly). I started to seek other ‘options’.

When I moved in with C in 1995, he bought me a copy of “To Ride a Silver Broomstick” . I read it. I related to some of it. C considers (or, at least, did at the time) himself to be Wiccan. I don’t. But the paths are remarkably similar.

I still play with my tarot cards and my runes. I still work with candles quite frequently – sometimes daily – depending on what I’m trying to achieve. I studied Reiki (and had my Master attunement in Portland in 2001), and try to use it whenever I can. I’m always researching other healing paths (that seems to be where my interest lies), as well as ritual and intent.

I do believe in God. I also believe in the Goddess. I believe that there is not one singular thing at work in the universe – there are several. I believe that if you want something badly enough – and your intent is pure – you’ll receive it when you’re ready. I believe in Karma (big time). I meditate. I ask. I listen. I send out energy and hope to receive the same kind of energy in return.

I strongly dislike organized religion (though C and I were married by an old Southern Baptist at the Courthouse in Chicago because he preferred it to a judge). I strongly dislike the structure and rules (of which, most are paternalistic at best, and misogynistic at worst) of organized religion. I believe what I believe. I do not think I have to spend an hour a week in a building to prove those beliefs.

I’m not opposed to Wicca as a path. I just do not feel it fits as my path. Again, it’s formal and organized, and I just don’t feel like it fits what I accept as true. As to the question if I consider myself a witch, the answer is yes. (in more ways than one – HA!). About a year ago, I started to develop a shock of grey hair at my right temple. C calls this my “witch’s lock” It seems to come and go at will *chuckle* Sometimes, it’s very clear, and others it seems to fade into the blonde. When I work on body products, I tend to blend together essential oils that have specific purposes, and colors that translate into magickal messages. I’ve seen and felt these rituals and intents work. I believe in them.

One lesson that I’ve concentrated on recently is gratitude. If I send gratitude out into the universe – so that it’s known I’m thankful – and acknowledge the gifts of the Earth given to me, I’m able to pursue other gifts.

Okay. I think you know all you need to now *grin*.

Vive Le Resistance!
Or, Interrogation Role-play, and other reasons to resist

So, I’ve made no secret of the fact that I like role-play. I guess it appeals to the dramatic in me, as well as the escapist. Besides that, it’s just *fun*. In a small package I sent to C, I included one of the lace gloves from the “FiFi the French Maid” costume I bought (and used) before he left, and he got a big charge out of that *chuckle*.

C and I have discussed other forms of role-play. When we first got back together in Las Vegas, the one that came up (and seemed to appeal to him) was the interrogator/prisoner. I find that very telling, in light of my discussions recently about being “broken”. It occurred to me, after I finished my last post about “broken” that that particular scenario fits in quit cleverly. I’m not sure why it appeals to C. I can only speak for myself.

I love resistance. I love fighting ‘it’. C and I wrestle around a lot, although he says I always end up getting hurt *chuckle* (sometimes I do. The man doesn’t know his own strength). I like to struggle on the couch. I like to tussle in the kitchen. I like to fight in bed *evil grin*. I’ve no idea why this appeals to me like it does. Nor do I really care that much. I just know I like it.

I/P (interrogator/prisoner, I love shorthand) appeals to me for that reason. Try to *make* me tell you a secret. I dare you. Torture me all you want. I’m going to resist. Not only for the *fun* of it, but because it empowers me to do so. It’s a test of wills. I love that. Especially when I know no real harm will come to me if I keep defying him. The pomp and circumstance of being tied to something, and then tortured with whatever-means-necessary to get me to reveal some secret knowledge that I have not only satisfies the dramatist in me, it gets me incredibly *hot*.

Ain’t that why we do some of these things, anyway?

I do have a problem though. During some of our experiments with role-playing, I *laugh*. (See my post about laughing during a spanking) . It’s not something I’m real good at keeping from happening. I’m not sure why it happens. The harder I try to resist it, the more it happens. I’m happy to have such a keen sense of humor, but damn…*chuckle*. I’m afraid that, unless C is really *into* his role as “I”, I’m going to start laughing like a mad woman. And maybe that’s okay. But I’m thinking if I do, neither of us are going to get that feeling we’re trying to achieve.

The more I think about that last paragraph, the more I’m chuckling to myself as I write this. C and I are cut-ups. We laugh so much. Neither of us takes ourselves too seriously. And in most situations, that’s perfect. But in situations like this – not so much.

I guess we’ll see how it goes *grin*.

What’s up here today

I have a blogger entry started, but I’m not sure I’ll get it done today. I feel my blockage (writer’s block) coming back and I’m trying to stave it off. Hopefully, I’ll be able to.

So I spent the morning packing up a few soap and candle orders, and made a pre-wash oil recipe for my hair. It smells wonderful – we’ll see if it works (I’ll find out in 25 minutes – ha, ha). I have long hair – maybe the middle of my back – but it hasn’t seemed to have gotten any longer in the last few years, so I’m trying a few hints I read on the web. I’m also going to go get it “dusted” (barely trimmed) this week. C always said he’d be happy with the length as long as he could fully wrap it around one of his fists *chuckle* and I got there before he left, but I’d like it longer. I’ve got a lovely curlish-wave to my hair. No one else in the family has this, although my Dad had curls before his first hair cut, as did my niece. Mine, though – are here to stay. And I like that. At least it doesn’t just hang there, lifeless. I’ve been having it cut recently so it comes in towards my face a little on the sides. It’s the first real change I’ve done to my hair since high school (eeeek). I still feather the top back, though *chuckle*.

As far as my progress on my self-image/weight issues goes, I have good days and bad days. Most times, I eat low-fat or low-cal dinners and lunches (granola bar or yogurt for breakfast), and I do pretty well. Problem is, this is the time of year when that gawd-forsaken candy-corn with the brown bottom comes out (ohhhh…I love that stuff. It’s the devil’s spawn), and I’ve bought a couple bags of it. I also made fudge Friday night and drank a whole bottle of Arbor Mist (ha ha), so I can definitely tell when it’s “emotional eating” and when it’s not. So far, just being able to identify it isn’t helping me stop doing it. But I’ve started riding my exercise bike again, so I feel good about that. I keep telling myself that it took a long time for those habits to be set, it’ll take a long time for them to go away. I also ask the Universe for guidance (I’m a pagan. Have I mentioned that?). So I’m hopeful that eventually, I’ll get to a place where I’m more comfortable.