Introspective


As I’ve mentioned in the past, I run several email lists: Four Strictly lists, Ds, Ms, Spanking, and SM, plus one called Verbal Intercourse, which never got off the ground unfortunately. I’m trying to perk it up now. But the mainstay of my list management is for BDSM based lists.

Sometimes, like the last year, I feel like a fraud in that.

There’s so very little D/s in this house right now. Not only because he’s gone, but because when he’s here he is exhausted. With his dad’s death, and the subsequent estate war (still going on), there just doesn’t seem to be any energy for much of anything.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I’ve had to learn it, and learn it well over the last year. What brought C and I together in the first place, over 10 years ago, was D/s. And it’s not like either of us have changed so much that we don’t need or want that anymore. It’s just not – there.

No doubt, this is difficult. And I frustrate easily in it. But I’m trying to get better within that.

I’ve been chatting with a man on EQ about BDSM. Two of them actually – one seriously and one not seriously. I sent him (herein to be referred to as S.) some of my writing before C. left on his last cruise and he asked me a question about why a man would want to make the woman he loves cry. A few days later, when I was taking C to base in the morning, I asked him that question. His response was very simple: Because it exhibits the amount of control the man has over the woman. When I re-iterated this to S., he said that a lot of this stuff I enjoy seems to revolve around control. And I guess it does. Or, at least, it would appear that way to someone completely vanilla, learning about this stuff for the first time. It was interesting to share these pieces of myself with someone who had no experience in kink, and I actually learned a lot about myself in doing that. I’ve been pretty introspective about it, and some other things, for the last couple weeks, and I expect quite a bit of thought and writing to come from that. At least, I hope it will.