Well, despite what I said earlier, I’ve decided to go into some of what I’m thinking about and why I haven’t been writing. Maybe it’ll make more sense if I actually put it into complete sentences and paragraphs.

Here are the main feelings. I’ll dissect them in a bit:
Neglected
Over-worked and under-paid
Lonely
Introspective
Self-centered

That’s a start.

C’s been working 12 hours days most days of the week. Which means, since we got the plates for the car and he’s driving himself again, I see him for maybe 30 minutes before he goes to bed. During that time, he’s de-stressing and trying to unwind and it’s not “talk” time. He’s still doing the 36-hour stints every four days as well. This weekend, he went in Friday morning and I picked him up Saturday morning (in a foul mood). We came home, messed around on computers for awhile, and then he took a 4 hour nap. He got up, and we went to dinner with friends (he was still in an odd mood – I won’t say foul, but definitely odd), had a nice time, came home, and shortly thereafter, he went to bed. Sunday morning, we went to have breakfast with out-of-town friends, came home, played Everquest until dinner – had dinner – watched TV for awhile, and he went to bed.

So, yes, we spent time together – in the same room/car/restaurant. I shouldn’t have anything to complain about. But inside, I’m screaming. I feel selfish and needy and I hate that fucking feeling almost more than anything else. When I’m in that mood, anything will set me off.

One other thing that happened this weekend is I did something I never thought I’d be able to do. I asked C to spank me. I never thought I’d get past that, and do it. Thing is, as you can see from the itinerary above, he didn’t. So now, this will probably go on the pile of everything else “I never thought I’d be able to do”, and I probably won’t do it again, because it yielded less than positive results this time. There are a couple other things I’ve done – that he asked for – that he doesn’t know about yet – that I probably won’t be able to tell him about/do for quite awhile because of the headspace I find myself in now. That just makes it worse.

This morning I get up and the trash is still here. He has the car; so I can’t take it to the dumpster. It’s been sitting on the front porch for a couple of days and for some reason, I got incredibly pissed off about that. His boot-polishing stuff was on the living room floor. I put it away. He has duty tomorrow, and his cammies are in the laundry basket. I washed them. The living room looked like shit. I cleaned it. The kitchen floor looks like shit. I cleaned it. The rest of the laundry needs done. I’m doing it. I’m doing all the little stuff he doesn’t have time to do, just like I should be, but for some reason today, I’m feeling really pissed off about doing it. I’m not working right now. I still have money in the bank from the last job I did, and we’re paying bills with it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing.

I should be writing. I promised myself that when I took this time off from work that I’d write. Am I writing? No, unless you count the blogger. I do not have any headspace to write.

It’s not so much that I’m mad at C about any of this. I don’t expect him to be superman. And it’s not so much that I’m mad at the Navy about it, because – well – this is his job. And it’s not so much that I’m mad at myself about this, although I’m a little pissed off that I’m feeling the way I do – because frankly, I have every right to feel neglected – because I am. But it’s not malicious. It’s just the way it is right now.

So I guess what it boils down to is that I’m frustrated beyond fuck and I can’t get past it. I’d like to blame it on PMS but not everything can be blamed on that. I’m sure there are other things contributing to this mood. I’m typically not a whining-type of person. But lately, I just feel too much stacked between where I am, and where I want to be. And it’s hard. I’m just not as patient as I wish I were.

All right. Enough of that.