In Action

So I'm flipping channels tonight, and I come across the E TV True Hollywood Story about Jenna Jameson. I was trying to decide if I'd seen it before ....

Then, Tammy Bruce's uptight ass comes on my screen.  And I remember that yes.  I had seen this. 

I am even less impressed with Bruce than I was 6 years ago.

But never mind that.  I've already written about that.

It got me thinking about how much of an activist I used to be.  Pro-choice issues, sex worker issues, pornography issues,  women's rights and feminism.  I was the president of my local chapter of NOW for 2 years in Illinois.  I volunteered at a family planning clinic that performed abortions.  I am still a member of NARAL.  These issues remain important to me, but I no longer actively participate in their support.

Maybe I should.  Maybe not to the extent that I used to be, but maybe a little more than writing checks like I do now.

Any action -- even writing checks -- is better than nothing.

But I strive to be better than better than nothing.

I am not the exception....

..........I am the rule.

I am a unique person. But  I am not any more special than anyone else.
I am basically a happy person, but I have been increasingly angry (with myself, I think) lately.
I am grateful for what I have, but I long for more.
I am...not that different from most people.
But.

There isn't anyone else like me.  I am mostly optimistic, silly, smart and sexy.  I'm affectionate but independent.  I am a great friend, an exceptional daughter, a hard-working employee, an always-interesting fuck, and an incredible catch for the right guy.

I am me. 

Exception, rule, unique, special -- everything and nothing.

And I am pretty all right with that.

Shot Skirts #14

No.  Stay right there.  That chair? That's for you to sit in. 

You always seem to enjoy those scenes in porn movies where the girl plays with herself. I'm going to give you the live version.  I hope you're ready.

Does the red on my nails contrast well with the black tops of the thigh high hose and my pale skin?  How does it look against the pink inside my cunt? Shiny nails against shiny lips....see how swollen and wet they are?  Yes, I do like you watching me.  I like it that you're having trouble sitting still. Look how swollen my clit is. 

No, don't get up.  This is my game.  You play by my rules.  Sit on your hands if you have to.  Better yet, pull your cock out and play along.

I like you watching me play.  I want you to see me cum without being distracted by making it happen.  Can you see well enough?  Can you see the muscles in my legs tense?  You know that means I'm close ....

No.  Don't get up.  Please... I'm going to....stay there.....


~ there is a pause for a quick hard orgasm and then ~

...you got up. 

Now you owe me something.

Go back to your chair.  It's your turn to show me.

Short Skirts #13

Don't make me beg. I want you fucking me. I want you fucking me right now.

Yes, I know you l you like it when I beg.  You like it when I ask for more and more and more. You like it when you change my mind mid-stream.  You like it when I say no, but you know I don't mean it.

But I don't want to beg now.  I don't want to have to ask.  I want you to give me what you know I want.

And you know what I want.

I will beg, if I have to.  But don't make me.  Please don't make me...

Fuck me like you mean it.  And make me believe it.

And when you think I've had enough, make me believe it again.

Energy

I poured 60 votive candles today.  I haven't done that, I don't think, since I moved over to Sun Prairie 3 years ago. I've poured tarts and maybe a couple pillars and containers, but no votives. Of all the types, votives are the most time consuming, and take the most precision.  They're awesome, but they're a lot of work.

I'm using up scents from the ADC days (when I had my business).  Some of them were still good, and rather than waste them, I am going to pour them up and put them in my give-away at work, like I did with my soap earlier this year.   There are a couple batches of said soap I intend to do as well soon, but one major project per weekend, please :)

I buy candles (well, before I started making them again), and I do burn them when I think to light them.  I love the flickering light, the scent, the ambiance they create in a room.  They speak to my sensual, romantic side -- which is a side that's always at the surface, but rarely gets to come out and play.  I miss her.  She's a shitload of fun.

All this creative stuff is therapeutic for me. It burns off energy that I build up that I can't burn off in other ways.  I'm lucky that I have ways to do that, and I'm grateful for it.  Writing used to be my biggest outlet, but I don't seem to write as much as I'd like to.  Although, I have blogged a LOT for me this month, and I'm grateful I've been able to do that, too. 

I'm in the mood for .....

I want this shirt.

And I want these, too.

I am in the mood today for what they advertise. I'm not sure why, but I am. 

I need to feel something.  This is as good as anything else, right? Nice solid spanking followed by a nice sound fucking?  Hell, yes.  Order me up two of those.

Short Skirts #12

It's so hot outside.

I know we're supposed to go out tonight but wouldn't you rather just stay home and strip down in front of the AC?

I know you're hungry.  I'm hungry, too.  But wouldn't you rather be home and cool than standing around waiting for our table? Having a nice cool drink and enjoying nice cool food in a nice cool house?  We could have a picnic in the living room and put in a sexy movie.

Still not convinced?

What's it going to take to convince you?

Really? That's it? Cancel the reservations and order a pizza. I'm going to hang up my dress and put on something much less appropriate. We're going to eat naked, watch porn, and take advantage of the air conditioner. 

Maybe later, we'll turn it up and get the ice out ......

Short Skirts #11

Now, how did that door get open?

I was so happy that you agreed to come shopping with me so I could buy something nice to wear for you and now the surprise is ruined. 

Do you like them?  Do you want a closer look?  Come in, quick, before anyone sees you.  And close that pesky door.

So now tell me.  Do you like them?  This is the first pair you picked. 

Is that going to help you decide if you like them?  Slipping your hand inside them and grabbing my ass?  Doesn't matter... your hand feels so good. 

Ohh...that's even better but I'm not sure what that has to do with telling me if you like them or not.  If you make me wet while I'm wearing these, you know I'm going to have to buy them....

Putting my hand on your cock is not helping.... you do like them, right? Because if you keep stroking my cunt lips with your finger, I'm going to have to...I'm... I'll have to....

Oh that's not fair.  Stopping so close is not fair. What are you... oh...yes, I guess they are as good as sold, aren't they?  Take the tag, yes.  I'll be along shortly.... once my heart slows down..

One more question before you open the door...

Did you like them enough to fuck me in the when we get home?

Nourishment

The TV is off.  I am not in the mood.

I updated iTunes on the laptop.  I need music. Headphones into the laptop.  Loud.  Good.

I have always had a very strong connection to music.  I played in all possible band configurations in high school and even wrote a little music.  I used to sing.  Lyrics will make or break a song for me; even if I like the music, if the lyrics suck, I probably won't buy the song.  But if I can't stand the music, the lyrics won't get listened to. I am fond of many kinds of music, from 60's Motown to 70's rock and sappy ballads, 80's hairbands, 90's alternative and even some of today's stuff.  I enjoy some New Age music, a select few country songs, and some odd stuff here and there.

Music is entertainment.  Therapy.  Relaxation or invigoration, whichever is needed.  It sets a mood.  It fixes a mood.  It lays groundwork.  It breaks up previously laid groundwork.



Music is breath.
And if music *is breath, then books are food.

I spent my lunch hour today doing what I love: browsing a used book store for bargains.  I took in 2 bags of library inappropriate reading material and turned them into (with 12.00) another full bag of books.  Some library appropriate, some not *smirk.

Every day, I take care of myself and my house and my job and my car and my cat and my family and my finances and my friends.

Today, I am taking care of my soul.

Short Skirts #10

I'm sorry ... I tried to wait up for you.  I had such a nice surprise planned.  I thought about it all night while you were out with your friends, and tried to come up with the perfect outfit to wear...and now I've slept in it and it's ...

Ohhh....that feels nice.  So the outfit is still all right? And you're not disappointed that I ... oh...don't stop...god that feels good.  Are you sure you're not disappointed that I fell asleep....ohhhh...your hands are so warm and..

At this point, he finds himself impatient with her drowsy carrying-on, and he kisses her while he removes his cock and then finds another use for her mouth.


No, he's not disappointed. Finding a scantily-clad, sex-ready woman asleep in his bed with her nearly bare ass the first thing he saw when he entered the room?  Disappointed?  No.  He's anything but disappointed.

Today's Lesson

You can't get upset at someone for behaving in such a way that you've previously allowed them to behave.

Well, you can.

But it's pointless and confusing.

Short Shorts #9

I'm sorry. You don't look happy.  Or are you in shock?

Was I supposed to put on more under the coat?  You didn't specify that when you asked me to come pick you up at the office this late.  You just asked me to come get you and we'd grab something to eat.

I have something for you to eat.  And I know you have something for me.   I know your office door locks.  Why can't we eat here first?

I promise I'll get you a burger on the way home.  Consider me an appetizer.  I promise you'll be even hungrier before we're done.

Learning to Walk Again

One byproduct of me having been as overweight as I was, and spending several years with a man who was shorter than I was, and then spending the following 5 years by myself is that I have to re-learn how to walk in real heels again.

I have a pair of 2" pumps, which I find very easy to walk in.

I have a pair of 3" heels but they're a wider heel, not like the heels to the left.  They're black and t-strap and sexy as hell, but they're not spiky-heels.

I have a pair of 4" heel ankle boots that I haven't worn since I lived in California, because they're bright red and frankly not all that appropriate in most situations.

So I ordered myself a pair of 3" skinny heeled pumps to get used to. When I can run in those, I'm going to get a pair of 4", similar to the ones above.

It's a whole different world walking in them now, as opposed to before I lost the weight.  While I'm still not the most graceful swan in the pond, a lot of the balance issues I've had in the past are gone.

As are the self-conscious issues I've always had about my height and wearing heels.  At 5'9", putting on 3" heels makes me 6', and if you add my former weight self-consciousness into that, you get way more than one person can comfortably deal with.  I don't know that I feel that way anymore.  I mean, I was gifted with these incredibly long legs.  Why not show them off rather than hide them in flats?

Instead of them making me self-conscious now, I'm pretty sure they're going to go miles in building self-confidence.

I need feel that way more often.  I certainly feel that way right now.

I'm going to find myself a sweet little pair of shiny black 2" pumps (the ones I have are off-white..ick) to wear to work once in awhile before the ice starts falling from the sky.  I think it would do wonders for my self-confidence.

At the very least, it's going to make my ass look hot in my jeans.

Unexpected Places

So, last time I took a big ol' pile of "library inappropriate" material to Half Price Books I picked up this book How To Set His Thighs On Fire, thinking I was going to get a book jam packed with writing ideas (What, you think every inspiration for a post comes from my own experiences?  lol no.  Some, yes.  Many, yes.  All, no.)  .

What I got was something very different.

In amongst the Cosmo-inspired chapters about sex are several that are more that are about your work life, your personal life, your family life, your friends... It was a perfect book for those "in the car sneaking a smoke at work" moments, and Kate has a very clear writing style that makes her very easy to read.  I didn't agree with all of it, but I did enjoy most of it.

One of the chapters in the book, toward the end, really made me think.

She says (And the book isn't right here, so I'm not quoting) that sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself "What's missing?" when it comes to making goals and life decisions. She goes on to say, in a later chapter about solving problems and coming up with ideas, that sometimes you just have to pose your problem in the form of a question and take it out into the world to look for the solution. 

I like that idea, and I'm definitely going to give it a try where my writing is concerned.

As far as the "What's Missing?" question goes, it's a question I've asked myself quite often in the last year, but I think I've been ignoring the response from the universe.  I think I'm going to have to pose the question again when my mind is mellow and I can sit quietly without needing to be distracted.  It's been awhile since I could do that.

You just never know what you're going to get and where it's going to come from.  I was looking for sex ideas, and I got life ideas instead.  This is not to say she didn't mention sex at all -- she did.  But unfortunately, I didn't pick up anything new, nor was I inspired to write in that vein.

I wonder if I went and picked up a self-help book, I could get some sex ideas.  Cause honestly, I'm a little stalled there *smirk.

Whoever she is

The L Word season 6 comes out on DVD next month.  So I ordered Season 5 from Netflix.  Today, because I am feeling the need to get lost in something, and I didn't think 1 disk of Season 5 was going to provide the depth and breadth of 'lost' I currently feel that I need, I went upstairs and dug Season 4 out of mothballs and decided to spend the rest of my day watching these gorgeous (but occasionally fucked up) women tear through life's little problems.

They played a montage of Season 3 before it started and as is my usual these days, one line jumped out of the speakers and right into my head:

Jenny (a lesbian), to Max (a woman transitioning to a man):

When you get the body you want, who's going to live inside it?

First of all, before I address that, I want to say this: It may sound as if the last several posts I've written about myself and my relationships, that I am angry with the men I've been with in my life.  For the most part, with the exception of my almost-ex, that's not true.  I'm much much more angry with myself, my behavior, my beliefs and my issues.  It started as a mild irritation and has over the last few weeks, grown into what I hope is a healthy dose of anger.

When they psychic said that I had a life changing event 3-6 years ago (which is my separation), she was right.  My life has changed significantly in that time.  To the point that right now, if I weren't feeling a little deja vu in one area, I'd swear that I bore little resemblance to that girl who drove out of Virginia 5 years ago next month. 

But those occasional bouts of negative deja vu keep reminding me.  A good thing? A bad thing? I dunno.

Oh don't get me wrong.  There are pieces of me that are inherently part of me, and will likely never change: my sarcasm, my wit, my intelligence, my sexual curiosity and interest. 

But other parts of me have changed in some pretty drastic ways, so when I heard the quote above, it echoed around in my brain like someone had hit a gong.

Who *is* going to be living inside me -- if and when -- I get the body I want?  How much of the physical is going to -- or, already *has -- changed the emotional/mental? (I could conceivably make a joke about how downsizing from a mansion to a condo and why that means having to clean house and let go of things but honestly it sounds cliche, no matter how true it might be)

Whoever she is, I hope I like her.

I take that back

Not the fear thing.

But the fact that sometimes I think I need to be chemically altered.

Fear

"People who live in fear need to be chemically altered." -- Californication, Season 2.

I'd like to say this is why I don't drink very often.

But I don't think that's the whole story

Out of Bounds

Californication, Season 2.  One of the sex scenes in Episode 6 (I think).  The weird blonde chick under David Duchovny says

Make me your bitch.

I wrote that down in my little notebook I keep here by my chair for just such an occasion.

I mean, what is it about that sort of stuff that just makes my breath stick in my throat? The scene was actually incredibly annoying but that phrase just makes me close my eyes and say "yea, do it."

I liken it to being cum on; to crawling across the floor; to anal sex even.

It's taboo.  It's out of the bounds of normal.  It's dirty.  It's wrong.  It's...it's....

It's fucking hot, that's what it is.

If you ask any 100 people about this picture here, I'm guessing 60% would say outright that it was degrading to the woman. 30% would secretly tell you in a whisper that it was an intriguing photo.  And the other 10%  would ask for a copy to masturbate to.

I'm a ten percenter.

It took me a long time to get out of the 30 percenters, but I have in the last ten years, accepted the fact that I like it dirty. *grin

Oh, sex doesn't always have to be a big taboo fuckfest, but I cannot deny that it's a whole different experience when I get to be a very very bad girl.

Learn something new every day

I've said before that when I can't find anything else to watch on TV, I've taken to watching reality TV...something I used to dislike intensely.

Bravo is one of my go-to channels for my reality distractions, and the home to a show called "Millionaire Matchmaker", hosted by Patti Stanger.  She drove me crazy for awhile, but she is entertaining (she yells at men when they treat women badly, it's really quite funny to watch) and occasionally she has some wisdom to depart on those of us who don't understand this whole 'dating' thing.

Awhile back, when I decided half-heartedly that I was sick of being alone and it was time to get rolling into the dating scene and I was cruising around Amazon for the geek equivalent of "Dating for Dummies" (there is none.  I mean, there is a "Dating for Dummies" but I skipped it), I ran across Patti's own How to book,  Become Your Own Matchmaker, and bought a used copy of it (used books on Amazon are my not-too-guilty pleasure).  I read some of it when I got it, and then got distracted by something else, so it was just sitting here.

Since I do occasionally go have a smoke in my car at work now, and since I discovered that if I'm not just sitting there, staring at the dashboard I don't smoke as much of the cigarette, I've taken to putting books in the car that I can't seem to find time at home to read.  Mostly non-fiction. Mostly stuff that's broken up into short chapters.  (This is where I read the entirety of "Everything you wanted to know about sex....").  This week, Patti's book graced my front seat.

I'll admit that I probably haven't got much out of reading the book.  Maybe I'm resistant.  Maybe I'm stubborn.  Whatever the reason, I just don't think I've learned much, though I *have been entertained. (She has a co-writer, but you can definitely tell that it's her stories and her words in most places).

So I didn't really learn anything.

Until today.

In a chapter entitled "Adventures in Dating", in a sub-chapter called "The 4:1 Rule", Patti says:

...you must give something back to him, but you can't top him.  The woman who gives more than the man in a relationship reverses the masculine/feminine roles.  First, the man will appreciate it, then he'll expect it, and eventually, he'll resent it.

Fucking hell. Are you kidding me? Is that what I've been screwing up this whole time? *chuckle (okay, no, I'm sure that's only a portion of what I've been screwing up *grin)

Look, there has only been one relationship that's lasted longer than 2 weeks that I've been in where the man made more money than I did.  One.  Just one.  Because I have an innate sense of fairness, I always figured if I had more, I should spend more.

I mean, no.  That's not the only reason I've broken Patti's Golden Rule thousands of times in the course of my life.  There's the insecurity and wanting to give give give to try to get get get.  There's guilt for not being *quite what someone wanted and trying to compensate for what I felt were my shortcomings.  Thankfully, those last two sentences are no longer issues for me, but looking back at it now, what she says - the outcome portion of it anyway - seems to be...wow.  Right the hell on.  And reading it gave me one hell of an AH HA moment.

So much so that the book actually came inside tonight (I usually leave whatever I'm reading in the car until I'm done with it) so that I could write this and then maybe spend some more time seeing if she can find anymore of my dumb blonde moment fuckups to share with me.

I mean, look.  If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be single, would I? *grin

Options

(Picture: Nene Thomas.  The only faerie pictures I have ever been drawn to.)

I read an awesome quote today:

"What side of this boat am I supposed to be rowing on, anyway?"

What's the problem, right?  You have two options! Pick one, and get on with it!

Yea, not so fast.

Options are good.
But options are also tricky.

You can over-think decisions.  I do that too much.  I'm trying to trust my instincts more. The more I can do that and be right, the more I'll be able to trust in what I feel - good, bad, or ugly.