Whoever she is

The L Word season 6 comes out on DVD next month.  So I ordered Season 5 from Netflix.  Today, because I am feeling the need to get lost in something, and I didn't think 1 disk of Season 5 was going to provide the depth and breadth of 'lost' I currently feel that I need, I went upstairs and dug Season 4 out of mothballs and decided to spend the rest of my day watching these gorgeous (but occasionally fucked up) women tear through life's little problems.

They played a montage of Season 3 before it started and as is my usual these days, one line jumped out of the speakers and right into my head:

Jenny (a lesbian), to Max (a woman transitioning to a man):

When you get the body you want, who's going to live inside it?

First of all, before I address that, I want to say this: It may sound as if the last several posts I've written about myself and my relationships, that I am angry with the men I've been with in my life.  For the most part, with the exception of my almost-ex, that's not true.  I'm much much more angry with myself, my behavior, my beliefs and my issues.  It started as a mild irritation and has over the last few weeks, grown into what I hope is a healthy dose of anger.

When they psychic said that I had a life changing event 3-6 years ago (which is my separation), she was right.  My life has changed significantly in that time.  To the point that right now, if I weren't feeling a little deja vu in one area, I'd swear that I bore little resemblance to that girl who drove out of Virginia 5 years ago next month. 

But those occasional bouts of negative deja vu keep reminding me.  A good thing? A bad thing? I dunno.

Oh don't get me wrong.  There are pieces of me that are inherently part of me, and will likely never change: my sarcasm, my wit, my intelligence, my sexual curiosity and interest. 

But other parts of me have changed in some pretty drastic ways, so when I heard the quote above, it echoed around in my brain like someone had hit a gong.

Who *is* going to be living inside me -- if and when -- I get the body I want?  How much of the physical is going to -- or, already *has -- changed the emotional/mental? (I could conceivably make a joke about how downsizing from a mansion to a condo and why that means having to clean house and let go of things but honestly it sounds cliche, no matter how true it might be)

Whoever she is, I hope I like her.